tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67357995116392583472024-02-19T06:44:03.125-08:00Ryguy's BlogSometimes I wonder if the first person to swallow a sword was actually just trying to kill himself...because he didn't have any talents.Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.comBlogger137125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-3149633789085218262017-09-01T12:36:00.000-07:002017-09-01T12:36:23.035-07:00Romantic Comedy: Extra Side of Love<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">EXT. DRIVEWAY - MORNING</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">AVA gets into her car and puts on her seat belt. BRIAN gets into his car and puts on his seat belt. They both roll down their windows.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love you babe!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">BRIAN puts his car into drive and starts to drive away.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I love you...more!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">BRIAN slams on the brakes, puts it in reverse, parks the car and sticks his head out the window.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">What the eff did you just say?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I said I love you, <i>more!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">That's bullshit and you know it!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">BRIAN aggressively takes off his seat belt, gets out of the car and slams the door. AVA does the same.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">My love for you is like a grilled cheese sandwich with crispy bacon inside of it!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Pfft. My love for you is like a <i>double decker</i> grilled cheese with bacon inside of it!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">My love for you is like a <i>triple decker</i> grilled cheese with bacon inside of it, and extra bacon on the side!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mmmm! My love for you is like a triple decker grilled cheese with bacon inside of it, and bacon on the side. But get this, there's no bread...the bacon <i>is </i>the bread!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Yum! My love for you is like all of that shit you just said, but with a side of cheese fries with bacon sprinkled on top...<i>and </i>the whole thing is deep fried.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">(PAUSE)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Oh my God...That's a heart attack.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Yeah...I know...I would die for you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I would die for you too.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Let's die together, but, when we're old.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Like <i>The Notebook</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Exactly like <i>The Notebook</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">AVA and BRIAN embrace each other.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Let's call out of work.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I'm never going to work again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">They kiss and go inside their house.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">(VOICE-OVER)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I'm glad you didn't go with the quadruple grilled cheese. Because that would have been impractical.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">FADE OUT:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-10501777486804312382017-07-20T13:26:00.000-07:002017-07-21T13:13:31.716-07:00P Vision<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> So, I was standing at the urinal. This guy walks up and stands at the urinal next to me. Now, just know that I didn’t look at his junk. However, my peripheral vision was really on point. So, I unintentionally got a glimpse. And all I wanted to say to the guy was, “Good for you.” But, uhh...so yeah, I did. I did it, I said, “Good for you.” And he was like, “Fuck did you just say?” That’s right. Mmm hmm. He left out the “what” and “the” and jumped straight to “fuck”. So, I thought to myself, “Good question. What <i>did </i>I just say?” And then I was like, “Oh yeah. I said, <i>good for you</i>.” He was like, “Are you trying to get your ass kicked?” It was then that I realized, maybe, just maybe I left the oven on, and also, that I might have pissed this guy off. Then, right off the cuff, I made a joke in my head which was, “Ain’t nothing like getting pissed off at a urinal.” And I laughed. The guy was like, “That’s a dumb joke.” You see, he heard me, because I accidentally said it out loud. I scrambled to think of a way to save myself. Then, I remembered I saw a ring on his finger and I said, “I think we’re having a classic misunderstanding. I noticed your wedding ring. And that’s why I said, “Good for you.” It's not easy finding “the one”. You’re a lucky guy. That’s all.” And he said, “I’m not married...That’s actually my cock ring.” I said, “Oh...well, so it is. I'm going to blame that on my peripheral vision. Do you know any good optometrists?”</span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-36764533907878638172017-06-30T05:46:00.000-07:002017-06-30T05:46:12.405-07:00Atomic Comic Competition<span style="background-color: white; color: #006621; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGLHon_MmsU</span></span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-36067852286247767572017-06-14T13:19:00.002-07:002017-06-14T13:20:31.399-07:00Thinkpad June 14, 2017<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">1. It's unsettling when you have to take an Active Shooter class. But, it's even more unsettling when the instructor tells you, "A pen is a good weapon. <i>And </i>if it comes down to it, stab the shooter in his jugular." What!? Sheeeeit, I ain't Jason mutha fuckin' Bourne, mutha fucka. I think I'd be better off writing him a letter. "Dear Shooter. What can I say? Ummm, please don't shoot me. So...how's it going? How's work been treatin' ya? It's almost lunch time. Ever eat at Taco Bell? Their Cheesy Gordita Crunch is bangin'. Shit, I didn't mean to say bangin'. It's so bomb though. Fuck. I mean, it's very appetizing." At any rate, if anything ever happens...I'll be ready.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5msDrHTBmPdcbMtYCYk6Sdp0kWuSzAfI84EXn-FEd3gj_JiavyLl1c5W5msgk9hxKjBfVIiWJaCpWKc_sFVPjs3eZkH8Ay8TNhCi6PpK8AfMffCRA6AKdNgs_LJuo8jnVmkdpRgkFUZY/s1600/Me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5msDrHTBmPdcbMtYCYk6Sdp0kWuSzAfI84EXn-FEd3gj_JiavyLl1c5W5msgk9hxKjBfVIiWJaCpWKc_sFVPjs3eZkH8Ay8TNhCi6PpK8AfMffCRA6AKdNgs_LJuo8jnVmkdpRgkFUZY/s320/Me.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2. In the early years of photography, people generally didn't smile--which made for very somber photographs. Some say people didn't smile because of poor dental hygiene. But, some believe that people didn't smile because of long exposure rates on the cameras which made people reluctant to hold a smile for a long time. Man, can you imagine how sad a dick pic would have looked back then. Very somber. Very somber indeed. This is the reaction of a guy who got his dick pics developed back in the day.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaD4XQ4WYDj53TYZPOMAZPMwJJh4qlOgVvydSh9qjGzDIej5KBtIy3eSkbGGgrhbvKGgv6Fsq0z6mWHlH62scMqew3mVDrcig1FfI0MpyjNESeoYmwZq4PYidpD0A0Iw3c7ALLHx6PZl8/s1600/Goofy+face.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="260" data-original-width="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaD4XQ4WYDj53TYZPOMAZPMwJJh4qlOgVvydSh9qjGzDIej5KBtIy3eSkbGGgrhbvKGgv6Fsq0z6mWHlH62scMqew3mVDrcig1FfI0MpyjNESeoYmwZq4PYidpD0A0Iw3c7ALLHx6PZl8/s1600/Goofy+face.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">3. At some point, somewhere, a kid had a problem with eating clothes. "Billy's always chewing through his t-shirts," they would say. So, to help out, the town confectioner created cotton...candy. Then one day someone said, "Damn, Billy. Quit eating your shoe laces." So, the town confectioner created shoe strings made out of licorice. And then, one day, the mayor shouted, "All of the townswomen are missing their...underwear. Where the hell is Billy?" Then the town confectioner exclaimed, "There's no fucking way I'm making edible panties!" But, as you know...he sure as shit did.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">4. People hate to admit when they're getting older. I don't mind getting older. However, I do hate when I realize that I'm turning into my father. I hope it never gets as bad as this one incident. One day my dad meant to yell out for me, but he said, "Sean! No! Robert! Shit! Erin! Ah! Seamus! No! Ryan!" Sean, Robert, and Erin are my siblings. Seamus is the dog. My dad called out the dog's name before mine. That's fucked up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">5. I'm not racist, but...I was standing at a concession stand and in front of me stood an African-American man and his son who was probably like 7 years old (also African American). They ordered. The little boy got ice cream on a cone. Then he proceeded to sing the ice cream song. You know the one, "I scream. You scream..." Well, he sang, "I scream. You scream...We all <i>yell </i>for <i>soft serve</i>." Ummmm, what? I guess it's safe to say, he'll never be a rapper. The kid can't even finish a simple rhyme. Yikes.</span></span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-16470403712700121282017-06-08T12:10:00.003-07:002017-06-08T12:16:45.760-07:00Thinkpad June 8, 2017<span style="font-size: large;">1. Those Matthew McConaughey <i>Lincoln </i>commercials are pretty ridiculous. But, now he thinks he can just chill in the back seat. Which begs the question, "Who the fuck is driving the car!?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">2. The other day someone asked me, "Whatchu 'bout to eat?" I said, "I'm about to eat a cheese stick." He was like, "You're going to eat a cheese dick?" And I said, "No. I said cheese dick. Shit!" He had me convinced that I was about to eat a cheese dick. "That's it, I'm switching to Babybel."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">3. One time I was watching people run in a marathon. Then I thought to myself, "This would be so much more interesting if they were all wearing clown shoes."</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpglRcZka7iTYxJDAfjfoVMDVskBOsr-1ZWeOB9cYKmNpwc4ery1F0XA1hoj4giz29pjjx9mCTpqaeLV9REScQqzoUs8nco9emVcHetR1QqYV7hIi2wl5s7h7zBfNns2J6RD9z6ciq6Z8/s1600/clown+shoes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="172" data-original-width="293" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpglRcZka7iTYxJDAfjfoVMDVskBOsr-1ZWeOB9cYKmNpwc4ery1F0XA1hoj4giz29pjjx9mCTpqaeLV9REScQqzoUs8nco9emVcHetR1QqYV7hIi2wl5s7h7zBfNns2J6RD9z6ciq6Z8/s1600/clown+shoes.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">4. Post-it Notes come in handy when you have to label your...Post-it Notes.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnv_g_0I0hfOjugBlrdokCOnUSQ9vfv6KeDoNU97FxCIrzvrqGPVamOyqkk9JaH7fro7TN3UyuOw9GaWcASf8fOwvOwDomH1SqugHrRpnRkoVIRRlpalVCQjJ3tE1Q99In8swXeRRF5hc/s1600/Post-it+Notes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnv_g_0I0hfOjugBlrdokCOnUSQ9vfv6KeDoNU97FxCIrzvrqGPVamOyqkk9JaH7fro7TN3UyuOw9GaWcASf8fOwvOwDomH1SqugHrRpnRkoVIRRlpalVCQjJ3tE1Q99In8swXeRRF5hc/s320/Post-it+Notes.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">5. When you're wealthy, you drink fine wine with your girl at a fancy art gallery. When you're poor, you drink Boone's Farm with your girl, beside the railroad tracks and wait for a train to go by.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3gsuMIGSQp5frdYK3StGQ-q7H_B4fqHvby3wN9SyL2j3NVWXf1GWS05SGSXDFb1dm2QrDaKOSRhjBWaXgBfyPi6fNvZEvecyZUNn_6dYx-edBNTpJ1e0qikp9UsYRdsUUqM-en5kxd9g/s1600/train.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="194" data-original-width="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3gsuMIGSQp5frdYK3StGQ-q7H_B4fqHvby3wN9SyL2j3NVWXf1GWS05SGSXDFb1dm2QrDaKOSRhjBWaXgBfyPi6fNvZEvecyZUNn_6dYx-edBNTpJ1e0qikp9UsYRdsUUqM-en5kxd9g/s1600/train.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">GIRL</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I wonder what this artist is trying to say here?</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">GUY</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">It's graffiti. It literally <i>says </i>what it's trying to say. It says <i>Deez Nutz</i>. Don't read too much into it. Now, pass me the bottle.</span></div>
Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-40785493825277601462017-05-23T13:25:00.001-07:002017-05-24T11:24:43.581-07:00Legal Pad<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I write all of my thoughts and jokes on a legal pad. I just hope no one ever takes legal advice from it. Excerpt from 10/21/2013:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Thought #147: I think it's okay to rob a bank, if you trick the teller into giving you the money.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">How can I help you today?</span></div>
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">(Taunting)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You won't give me all that money behind the counter.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Um......That is correct.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Pfft. Rosalita was right...You <i>are </i>a little bitch.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rosalita? The branch manager? She said that?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yup. Are you really surprised?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rosalita.....<i>She's</i> the little bitch.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Whoa! Hey guy! That's derogatory.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I know. I'm sorry. I just can't believe she said that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">(PAUSE)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">(Taunting)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You won't give me all that money behind the counter.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Oh yeah?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Uh-huh.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Well...you're right.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Pfft. Kenneth was right...You <i>are </i>a pussy vag.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Kenneth? The loan officer? Pussy vag? <i>Pussy vag</i>...that's just redundant.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Does that surprise you? Kenneth has two N's in his name...One would have sufficed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Very true. Has anyone else said anything about me?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Well, Marybeth thinks you're a slob.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I spilled coffee on my shirt one time!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Stu thinks you're too nice, which inevitably makes you everyone's little bitch. And you don't stick up for yourself which makes you a pussy vag. So, Stu thinks you're a really nice, little bitch, pussy vag.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">God damn it!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Oh, and I heard they're going to fire you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What the fuck!? Who did you hear that from?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I overheard Rosalita telling Stu...who was also telling Kenneth, Marybeth and Chuck.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Who the fuck is Chuck?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">ROBBER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Oh, he's the guy that's taking your position.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">TELLER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That's it! I'll show them! Here, take all the money behind the counter! Go! Go! Go!</span></div>
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Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-45793527475396855582017-03-16T06:50:00.001-07:002017-03-16T07:19:47.704-07:00Appreciation for Self-Deprecation<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When I was a kid, I was little...a little bitch. And now, I'm a big bitch. By the way, going from little to big is usually a good thing. For instance, "When I was young, I played little league baseball. I kept at it. And today I'm in the big leagues...When I was young, I had a little dick. And today, it's slightly bigger." But no, it's quite different when it comes to being a bitch. I'm such an easy target because of that fact. That's why I try to beat people to the punch, and make fun of myself first. But, it doesn't always work out.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">One day I was outside with a friend, enjoying the fresh air. The sun was beating on my face. I took a deep breath, smiled, and said, "Now, this is what life's about." Then suddenly a bird swooped down and almost hit me. And I shouted, "Ouch!" The bird didn't even touch me. I wasn't even hurt. But, I shouted, "Ouch!" I did one of those moves where you turn, arch your back, and put your hands up like you're afraid to touch something cacky. Side note: Not <i>khaki, </i>as in the color. I have a pair of khaki pants. I'm not afraid to touch them. If I was, I probably wouldn't wear pants to work. Side note deux: If I was ever in the military and I had to go into battle. You bet your ass I'd be running through a field, shouting, "Ouuuuuuuuuuuuu...ch!" So, after I almost got assaulted by a bird (Not the penis type--but, the flying type. And if your penis does have wings and can take flight, then shit, that's fucked up.) So, after I almost got impaled by a bird, I quickly said, "If I was a flower, I'd be a pansy. Ha!" Then my friend said, "Nah...You'd be one of those little flowers on a pussy willow." And I said, "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit. <i>Yeah </i>I would." Mothafucka took me out with that horticultural shit.</span></span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-81740676986862175222017-03-09T12:18:00.000-08:002017-03-13T07:43:41.191-07:00Childhood Memories<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>The Truth Hurts</u></b>:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When I was a kid, I got punched in the nose and nearly bled to death. <i>Okay</i>, maybe I didn't really, nearly <i>bleed, to death</i>. But, I did bleed <i>a lot</i>--like a crazy amount of blood. <i>Anywho</i>, I can't really feel sorry for myself because I sort of deserved it. I talked some serious shit on this kid, and he walked up to me and punched me clean in the schnoz. However, that's not how my older brother remembers it. My older brother says to me, "That's not how I remember it. Here's how it really went down. You talked some serious shit on this kid. He walked up to you. Then he proceeded to do a karate warm-up/exercise, which lasted like 5 minutes, enough time for you to do <i>something</i>, like, step back, put your hands up, or I don't know, run the fuck away? But no, you just stood there...mesmerized by his Kung Fu. Then he punched the shit out of your face." It was kind of ironic, because once again I just stood there, but instead taking verbal abuse this time. Bewildered and frustrated by his recollection, all I could muster up was, "Um...no. That's not how I remember it!" Then I ran off like a little bitch.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><u>Town Patrol</u></b>:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When I was a kid, my older brother, two cousins Jenna and AJ and I formed our very own law enforcement called, <i>Kid Cops. </i>We even had our own catch phrase. While riding down the suburban streets on our Huffy's, we'd shout, "Kid Cops motherfucker!" (Sometimes at the most inappropriate moments) For instance, we rode by Mrs. Dutch while she was out in her garden on a beautiful day. Mrs. Dutch said, "Good morning kids!" And we responded with, "Kid Cops motherfucker!" I mean, she had to know who we were and that we were well respected in the community. Sure, we <i>were </i>just <i>kids</i>. <i>But</i>, we were also just <i>cops</i>, doing our job. Some might say we were "pretend cops". But hey, it sure felt real. The truth is though, we didn't do any good in our town. Actually, we just ran amuck and used an obscene amount of profanity--and brought zero joy and not one bit of justice to anyone. The great thing was that we were just kids and we couldn't be held accountable for our actions, <i>legally</i>. Because we were just in elementary school for Christ's sake. We sure did have fun though. Man, those were the days. Kid Cops forever......</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">motherfucker!</span></span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-23775936782041862672017-03-09T11:05:00.001-08:002017-03-09T11:06:32.613-08:00Valentine's Day Hangover (Comedy Showcase)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://youtu.be/uHsmI0HcvUs" style="font-size: x-large;">https://youtu.be/uHsmI0HcvUs</a></div>
Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-14489239563990417432017-01-27T13:25:00.000-08:002017-01-27T13:25:07.429-08:00Thinkpad 1/27/2017<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">1. I think it's okay to brag about being good in the sack. But, I don't think it's okay if you're actually referring to...potato sack racing. That's just something you shouldn't be bragging about. There's probably a guy out there who is an avid potato sack racer. That's the one thing he sort of has going for himself. He's probably at a dinner party just waiting for someone to ask him, "Can you pass the potatoes?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Speaking of potatoes..."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">2. I've always been a little slow. I've always been behind--like 1 or 2...hundred steps. For example, back in high school my friends were talking about this masseuse that would give you a happy ending if you requested it. One friend said, "That's fucking awesome!" Another friend said, "Sign me up!" And I said, "Yummy!" I pondered, "Hmm, I wonder how she's affiliated with <i>Friendly's." </i>Later that day I went to the masseuse and got a massage. At the end, I asked for a <i>Fribble</i>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">3. Surveys ask you to rate something using a scale from 1 to 10. It's hard to narrow it down to just one number. I think they should go back to basics. "If you were happy with your service, <i>and you know it</i>, clap your hands. If not, then say Womp, Womp, Womp."</span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-45144213878568596862016-12-23T13:12:00.002-08:002016-12-23T13:12:28.195-08:00Parenting<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Growing up I really didn't learn a whole lot from my parents--parenting wise. I wasn't focusing on what I could one day use as a parent myself, as far as skills and techniques. The only thing that did transfer is the old adage, "There are starving kids in China." So, the other night, when my daughter didn't want to eat her dinner, I told her, "Sweet Pea, there are starving kids in China." Apparently she felt pretty sympathetic toward the starving kids in China, because she ate her whole dinner. Score. I'm great at parenting.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Later that night my daughter didn't want to go to bed and this is the conversation that transpired.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">DAUGHTER: I don't want to go to bed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">ME: You have to go to bed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">DAUGHTER: Why?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">ME: Because you'll be cranky tomorrow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">DAUGHTER: Why?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">ME: Because you will have not slept.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">DAUGHTER:Why?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">ME: That's what we're trying to figure out right now...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">(Pause)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">DAUGHTER: Why?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">ME: Look, there are tired kids in China. They're exhausted. Now go to sleep.</span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-46876507947226272992016-12-22T13:16:00.000-08:002016-12-23T06:51:45.023-08:00Prince <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I really dig <i>Prince's</i> music. He had an eclectic point of view and always laid down some funky fresh beats. It's interesting though, you can definitely tell which songs he wrote when he was sober and which ones he wrote when he was high. I'm pretty sure he was sober when he wrote songs such as <i>Little Red Corvette</i> and <i>Raspberry Beret</i>. Because, I saw<i> </i>a little red corvette once. And you know what? It <i>was</i> going <i>much too fast. Raspberry Beret? </i>Yup, I've seen one of those too, <i>in a second hand store</i>. I didn't buy it, but I <i>did </i>try it on. It didn't go with my outfit though. And <i>Purple Rain</i>...<i>well</i>, he was definitely fucked up when he wrote that one. If you're sober, you're thinking, "<i>Purple Rain</i>? What the hell is he even singing about?" But, if you're high, you're thinking, "<i>Yes. </i>The rain <i>is </i>purple. It's so...fucking purple." <i>When Doves Cry</i>? If you're sober, you're thinking, "I've never ever heard a dove cry, or any bird cry for that matter. And I'm sure it wouldn't sound like the music which follows the lyrics, "This is what it sounds like <i>when </i>doves cry."" But, when you're <i>high</i>, you're thinking, "...Yes. That <i>is </i>what it sounds like...<i>when doves cry</i>. I've heard it time and time again, and that is spot on." I swear if I ever hear a dove cry, and the sound of Prince's music comes out it's mouth, I will lose my shit and say, "Damn, Prince was right...or I'm just fucking stoned."</span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-50381114804753676362016-12-21T13:17:00.000-08:002016-12-22T07:45:29.598-08:00Squirrels be like<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></span></span>One
day I brought a ham and cheese sandwich to work. When I got to the break room,
I checked my bag and my sandwich was missing. Where in the hell could it be? I
informed the authorities, being the sheriff officers who worked in the
building. But, they just looked at me like I was crazy. I said, "There's a
ham and cheese sandwich <i>missing. </i>And you're not going to do
anything about it? I guess I'll have to go at this alone. I just hope it's not
lost forever or even worse, half eaten...If it was a donut, you'd give a
shit!" (I shouted that last part from a distance, then took off running).</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
So, I decided to do some backtracking, which
was extremely hazardous, <i>because </i>I had to walk backwards the
entire time." I got to the parking lot and suddenly I heard a certain
sound, like<i>, </i>the sound of a sandwich in a Ziploc bag that just got stepped on. "Son of a bitch!" It must have fallen out of my bag when I got
out of my car. Well, it's not like I still could have eaten it. It's been
sitting on this asphalt for quite some time. So, I picked up the sandwich
and threw it in the trash can right outside of the building.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
The next day I went to work and the sheriff
officers were laughing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
"Hey, I think I found your sandwich," said one of the officers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
"Impossible! I closed that case yesterday. I found it in the parking
lot. Then I threw it away in the trash can outside," I replied. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
"Ohhhh. That makes sense. Because I saw a squirrel on top of the trashcan
this morning eating it. Now, picture that."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
"I am, and it's a very odd picture. Was he holding it like you and I
would?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
"Yeah. If he wasn't sitting on top of the trash can, and wasn't being all
squirrel-like, then I would have thought, "Hey, now there's a guy enjoying
a sandwich.""<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
"I guess I'm just a little flabbergasted. I thought squirrels only ate
nuts. I can see if it was a PB & J, because of the peanuts. But no, this
was a fucking ham and cheese fucking sandwich. I mean, where do we go from
here? So now squirrels are just hanging around eating second hand
sandwiches?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
"It appears so. At least it didn't go to waste."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
"That's true. And I guess if I ever see someone trying to lure </span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">a squirrel
in with a nut, I can say, "You're doing it all wrong! Here, try this ham
and cheese sandwich."</span></span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-10699582293684083362016-12-14T13:20:00.001-08:002016-12-22T06:22:10.614-08:00Bob In A Box<span style="font-size: large;">Growing up, my dad was <i>sort of</i> a handy man. He was quick to fix things. Well, he was more or less quick to <i>want to</i> fix things (this excludes his attitude, temper, and general asinine way of thinking). But, he didn't necessarily get the job done in a timely fashion, nor did he conduct his work in the most practical way. Let's just say he was a <i>Master Duct Taper & Caulksman </i>who never completed his apprenticeship in <i>Spackling</i>. More often than not his projects were fueled by alcohol--beer specifically. With each beer, his perspective became slightly more askew. His measurements got progressively less accurate, to the point where my room looked like something out of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory--where all of the walls started closing in. "Watch your head. I know, I'm sorry. It looks like an optical illusion. It's not though. It's just poorly constructed. I know, it <i>does </i>look like a drunk guy did it."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">My dad has 6 stages of drunkenness. And these stages of drunkenness coincide with the progression of each project. Let's call this project: <i>Studding and Sheet Rocking</i>. The first stage is the happy go-lucky, free-form jazz stage. "We're just going let it flow...man." The quality of workmanship is good, and it's the best it's going to get for the remainder of the day. The next stage is the lovey dovey, adult contemporary/easy listening stage. "I'm in awe of what I'm creating. I'm going to sit back and admire it." The project is still looking pretty decent. The third stage is the argumentative, punk rock on a static radio stage. "Who the hell put all of these dashes on this tape measure? Fuck it, I'm just going to wing it. Fucking fuck! That's way off. I should have not winged it. Wung it? Wanged it? Shit. I'll just make up my own word...flubbnugg. Perfect. I will no longer flubbnugg it. They say it's okay if you talk to yourself, as long as you don't answer. Isn't that right? Yup. Damnit! You just answered yourself. I can't get a word in edgewise and I'm talking to myself. That's really bad. If Abraham Lincoln was around, he'd just cut down his own tree and use that wood. And then he'd snack on some cherries. He was a great president." The fourth stage is the belligerent, politically driven, hardcore death-metal stage. "Abraham Lincoln was an asshole! I should be president. I would send all of the assholes to their own island so they can battle it out. May the biggest asshole prevail! And then I would get rid of teacher's pensions." By this point, he has created an enclosed structure and has trapped himself inside of it. The fifth stage is the reminiscent, extremely emotional, awkward, cinematic, depressing soundtrack stage. "(Excessive crying)." The sixth stage is the quiet, glazed over, super awkward, introspective stage. "Where am I right now? Who the hell built this structure? It doesn't seem structurally sound. Sound...sound. I can't hear anything except my inner voice...which isn't audible at all. Which means I can't really hear it. I can't feel it, see it, taste it, smell it. It must be a new type of sense. I discovered a new sense! I'll call it...flubbnugg."</span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-74763587176779645322014-10-30T06:39:00.001-07:002014-10-30T10:19:17.295-07:00Man Oh Man<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> Men are perverts. It’s true. There’s definitely something wrong with us. Even the really, really, really, really good guys have their moments. And trust me, I’m one of them. You’ll be driving down the road and see a girl jogging 200 yards away. Your initial reaction is to say something sleazy like, “Mmm girl!” moaning like you just enjoyed a delicious brownie--in fact you did. You wipe the crumbs off of your shirt because you're a slob.Then you begin talking like your favorite black entertainers. First you channel your inner Will Smith. “Don’t call me Mr. Rogers, but it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. You know what I’m sayin’? You know what I’m sayin’?” Then your Martin Lawrence comes out. “Deeamn Gina!” You don’t even know if her name is Gina. You don't even know who the hell she is. But, you continue to keep on, keep keepin' on. You start saying some really perverted stuff like, "Mmm girl, you got my crotch moaning and groaning. You got it groining. I just made up a new word. You make me want to be a rapper. For rizzle."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> Quickly approaching, about 30 yards away, you say something like, "Awww yeah. Awww yeah. Awww...no. That's a man. That is a <i>man </i>with a pony tail." You're so disgusted with yourself. "I can't believe I misread that. I can't believe I thought this guy was a chick. I can't believe...how tone he is. He must do a lot of squats. Because you don't get an ass like that just by jogging. Good for him. Good for his ass."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> You finally come within 20 feet of this guy. Then you realize, "Oh shit. I can't believe this...It's my Uncle Billy. Son of a bitch." Completely embarrassed and ashamed, you proceed to roll down the window, "Hey Uncle Billy! Lookin' good! You've been doing squats, haven't you? I knew it!" Then you turn to your wife who has been sitting next to you the whole time, "Say hello to Uncle Billy, honey." She just shakes her head and says, "There's something seriously wrong with you."</span></div>
Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-87687771590633605292014-10-01T07:32:00.000-07:002014-10-01T07:32:34.655-07:00Some Women<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is about <i>some</i> women.</span><div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's easy for some women to say to men, "You don't understand." It's easy to say because it's almost entirely true--it's almost a full proof argument. Men don't know what it feels like to have a period or give birth or go through one of the many things that only women have to endure. However, women shouldn't be able to use the "You don't understand" line, if it in fact can be comprehended by a man. Here is a little scenario which encompasses the types of rebuttals or responses that women use.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">WOMAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You don't even know.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">MAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Alright. Well, explain it to me then. I want to know.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">WOMAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I just...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">MAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You just <i>what</i>?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">WOMAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I just can't.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">MAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You just <i>can't</i>?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">WOMAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I can't even.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">MAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You can't even what?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">WOMAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I just can't even.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">MAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You just can't even...?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">WOMAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I can't deal.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">MAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, you just can't even deal?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">WOMAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Exactly.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">MAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh...You just can't even deal with what?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">WOMAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I just can't even deal...with the Philadelphia Eagles losing to the San Francisco 49ers.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">MAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Awww, honey. Is that what all the fuss is about? It'll be alright. I feel the same way. There were just way too many incomplete passes and missed opportunities. Look, if you want, we could do a recap of the game and see how we can do better next time.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">WOMAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I can deal with that.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-69462189846738004282014-04-02T12:52:00.000-07:002014-04-02T13:21:35.135-07:00Color Me Dad<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><i>I'm a man. But, I'm a dad first. I'm a daddly man.</i></span></b><span style="font-size: large;"><i> </i> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">My daughter is beautiful. Everyone tells me so. But, don’t
worry; I’ll make sure it doesn't go to her head. People say that she looks like
me. That’s great to hear because for the longest time I wasn't sure who she resembled.
Then I started thinking: If my daughter is beautiful and she resembles me, does
that make me a beautiful man? I mean, I’m not going to lie, I've been told that
I’m very handsome—and not just by my mother. But, I've</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> never been told that I’m beautiful. It’s probably just an unspoken kind of thing or politically incorrect thing. Whatever. So, I guess it’s safe
to say that my daughter gets her beauty from me and not necessarily from her
mother—which is usually the assumption. Not to take any beauty away from my
wife, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">but </i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">maybe I’m just more beautiful.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>I put the arm in karma. And by arm I mean muscle.</i></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Being away from your child can be very hard. Sometimes a
whole day seems like an eternity. </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Well</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">, not an eternity. An eternity is just a
ridiculous exaggeration isn't</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> it? We’ll just say it can be somewhat </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">unbearable</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">. But, when
you finally get home everything falls into place right? Nope, that’s not always
the case. Sometimes you arrive home and your child wants nothing to do with
you. That’s when you jokingly shout, “Go to your mother!” or “Go to your
father!” This got me thinking: I'm going to wait for the next time my wife brings
our daughter with her on a long day of shopping. When they arrive home I’m going
to ignore my daughter and maybe throw a fit. No, two fits. After she has endured a little
slice of karma, I’ll take her aside like one of those really dramatic scenes
from </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Full House</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">, and explain to her that, “You’ve just been karmaed! In your
face!” Sure, it might be a little uncalled for, a little spiteful even. But,
sometimes you can’t wait for real karma to come straggling along. Sometimes you have to conjure up some
self-made karma (imitation karma if you will) roll it up, flatten it out, throw it in the oven, let it cool down, slice it up and serve it.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>The straw that helped get the camel addicted to narcotics and then maybe broke his back.</i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">My daughter drinks from a sippy cup with a straw. The
other day I caught her sticking the straw in her nostrils. Initially I laughed
and told her to knock it the hell off. Then I started thinking: Addiction is a
serious matter. I really don’t want her getting used to sticking straws up her
nose. With that said, I think <i>now</i> is
the perfect time to switch her from a sippy cup to a big girl cup.</span></div>
Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-35521626100435281042014-03-14T22:06:00.000-07:002014-03-14T22:17:09.608-07:00Steak & BJ Day<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Steak and BJ Day sounds pretty great. I just have a few questions and concerns.</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">1. Since it's indeed Steak <i>and </i>BJ Day, do I have to be eating steak while getting a BJ? Or can I eat it later, after the BJ--a post BJ snack if you will? Because it might be a little awkward getting a BJ while trying to enjoy a delicious steak. "Oh, I'm sorry honey, but can you hand me the A1? Just reach for it if you can. Further. Just a little further. No, that's the soy sauce. I'd get up, but you're giving me a BJ. So...There it is. You got it. Great, thanks. Oh wait, this one is expired. I guess we have to go to the grocery store. Let's take this on the road. I'll drive, obviously."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">2. Moving forward. What is the limit on steak and BJs? Is it just one and done? Well, it's called Steak and BJ Day, "BJ" being singular. However, steak can be both singular and plural. Therefore, I could be getting more than one steak out of this deal. I think I found a loophole. <i>Yes</i>!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">3. What if you're a vegetarian (which I am not, but I think it's only fair to them, <i>the vegetarians</i>, that they know how to conduct themselves on this particular day)? I guess it would just be <i>BJ Day</i> for the vegetarians. Better yet, what if you're a vegetarian but your woman isn't? Does she get to eat the steak? Or what if <i>she's</i> a vegetarian? Do you give yourself a BJ?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">4. Are there restaurants that open their doors for such a day? For instance, are there any monogamous, couple friendly brothels that happen to serve a nice steak dinner? It's like those strip clubs that have a buffet. Maybe you'll be surprised to find out that the steak is just as good as the BJ. Or maybe the BJ is comparable to the steak--just as rare. Not for me though. Don't worry about this guy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">5. Would someone be allowed to take a personal day from work? "Well, as you know, it's Steak and BJ Day...enough said. I'll see you tomorrow."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">6. Would <i>Omaha Steaks</i> sponsor this day? Probably not. But, I'm pretty sure if there was a guy out there named Blow Job, he would definitely sponsor <i>Omaha Steaks</i>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">7. I guess women can subtly tell us how they're feeling by what kind of steak they prepare for us. For example, if my wife fixed me some type of chuck steak, I would know that she's pissed off. Furthermore, I would anticipate a half- assed BJ.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">8. It's time for steak...NY strip...not too shabby...Alright, I bought it myself. But, she's cooking it...Nope, it looks like I have to cook it myself.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-68269386880183176112014-03-12T08:43:00.003-07:002014-03-12T10:19:45.999-07:00MisadFriendtures of Ryan & Brandon: A Slice of Life<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">RYAN and BRANDON are sitting at a table in a restaurant called <em>The Humble Cottage</em>--a restaurant specifically used for dishing out humble pie, in a discreet, literal and metaphorical way. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Well, I'm glad we had this conversation. And it's safe to say that someone just got served <i>a slice of humble pie</i>. Eat up.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">There's a slice of pie in front of Brandon.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Nah. There must be some kind of mistake. I didn't order this and I most definitely am not in the mood for pie.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Well, that’s kind of how humble pie works. You don’t necessarily have to be hungry to eat it. It's like leaving grandma's house. You don't need bags full of expired food, but she's going to give them to you anyway. So, hungry or not--</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Oh I’m definitely hungry. I'm just not hungry for pie…What about cake? I can do cake.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Hmm…I think that can be arranged. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ryan flags down a waiter.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Excuse me waiter. Can you take this pie and get my old friend here a slice of humble cake? </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The waiter brings over a slice of cake and takes away the pie.</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">That's better...Oh fuck. Wait. I just remembered I gave up all sweets for Lent.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Well, it seems as though we're in quite the quandary. You can't eat the pie. You can't eat the cake. How do you expect me to know that you've been humbled if you won't eat a fucking slice of something humbling? The pie's been sent back. We can’t possibly send the cake back too. That would be rude. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Why don’t <i>you </i>eat it on my behalf?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">No, no, no. This is <i>your</i> humble cake, not mine. Plus, I've eaten this cake before. I’d be overindulging if I ate another slice. I’d be over-humbled. Too much of anything isn't good for you, especially cake. I’m pretty sure Barry White said that.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Well, <i>I </i>can’t eat it. I'm not a big fan of chocolate ganache anyway. Plus, God wouldn't approve.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">That's ridiculous. Everyone loves chocolate ganache. Whatever! Fine! We’ll send it back. But you better eat the next thing we order. What about Shepherd’s Pie? It’s savory, not sweet.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">What's the matter with you (in Italian gangster fashion)? Didn't I say I didn't want pie? Didn't I just get done saying that? <em>Shepherd's Pie</em>. The word “pie” is in the name. Pie is pie no matter how you slice it. Plus, it’s peasant food.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Oh, so you’re too good for it? Is that it? You know, most peasant food is delicious.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Spoken like a true peasant.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Your mom was a peasant.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Oh yeah? Yeah? Yeah, she was.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Okay then. What about crab cakes?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Jesus Christ, we’re back to cakes again?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Well, his highness doesn't want pie. So what doth ye say to cakes of crab?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Actually, I could totally get into some crab cakes.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Splendid. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ryan flags down the waiter.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Excuse me my good man. Can I get some humble crab cakes for my old friend?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Oh fuck, look at the time. Can I get those to go? I really need to be heading out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Are you fucking for real right now? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Yup. I have to go home and pray with my wife.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">RYAN</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">God damn it. You're definitely going to eat these humble crab cakes though, right?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Definitely. I pinkie promise and swear to God. I pinkie promise God.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Brandon reaches his pinkie upwards and pretends to hook pinkies with God.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">CUT TO:</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">EXT. THE HUMBLE COTTAGE - EVENING</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Brandon is walking to his car--doggy bag in hand. An African-American panhandler comes out of nowhere.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Hey, psst, hey my man. Let me get a few bucks.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">What?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Said</i>, "Let me get a few bucks."</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Oh, I don't have any money. Sorry.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">What's that jingling in your pocket?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Really? You're listening for change jingling in my pants? First of all, those are my car keys. Secondly, I wouldn't give you money even if I had it. You'd probably just spend it on drugs or booze. Now, if you're <i>hungry</i>, I have a bag full of humble fucking crab cakes. You're more than welcome to--</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Pfft. I don't want no fuckin' crab cakes <i>man</i>.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Humble </i>fucking crab cakes. Get it right Jack.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">My name ain't Jack, <i>Jack</i>.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Well, my name ain't Jack either.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Yeah well, you look like a Dilbert or some shit.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Well you just look like <i>some shit</i>. So...</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">That ain't cool man. You don't know what I've been through. You don't know my story. You don't know what kind of tricks I had to turn in order to get this jacket.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Jeez. You had sex in exchange for a <i>jacket</i>?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">No. I'm talkin' 'bout magic tricks <i>man</i>. I made my bunny disappear.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">That's pretty cool. I'd like to see that. Can you show me that trick?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Didn't you just hear what I said? I made my bunny disappear. I don't know where the fuck she went.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Damn. That's rough. Well, I'm sure she'll turn up. Rabbits usually like carrots.You should try--</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Bunny's the name of my wife.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Oh fuck. Damn. Wait, you made your <i>wife </i>disappear?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Yeah.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Do you know how incriminating that sounds?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">She always hated my magic tricks. Now she's stuck in one of them.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Hmm. Do you think maybe your "magic" is just a metaphor for some <i>real </i>reason why your wife disappeared--or left you?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The Panhandler begins to sob.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I'm sorry man. I didn't mean to make you upset. I'm just really good at deciphering shit. Listen, why don't we go inside the Humble Cottage and I'll buy you a slice. Do you like Shepherd's pie?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">It's my favorite.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Of course it is.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I thought you said you didn't have any money.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Of course I have money. I just told you that because I didn't want you--</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The Panhandler pulls out a knife.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Gimme that money fool!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Oh fuck...is that a real knife? Or is it a prop for your magic show?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I'm not really a magician, <i>man</i>.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">And what about Bunny? Is she really lost inside a magic trick?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">No man. I just said I'm not a magician. There ain't no real Bunny.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Brandon hands over the money.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Damn. <i>My man!</i> You went all method on me. You really had me convinced. Have you ever thought about acting? There's a great workshop right around the corner. They have classes on Tuesday nights. You should really check it out.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">(Real British accent)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I'm currently starring in an off Broadway show which I won't disclose to you because then you'll know how to find me. But, it's going rather well. Future's looking bright. I don't get paid very well though. That's what this is all about. It gives me the chance to practice my craft as well as have a steady income.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Right on...Well, I wish you nothing but the best.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PANHANDLER</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Toodle-oo!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The Panhandler runs off. Brandon stands there in amazement. He reaches in his doggy bag, pulls out a crab cake and bites into it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BRANDON</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Tooda-fuckin-loo.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">FADE OUT:</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-70981103005286919242014-03-03T13:19:00.002-08:002014-03-04T05:51:58.108-08:00This Is So Us: Handy Stud<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">INT. BEDROOM - DAY</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA and BRIAN are staring at a wall. There are a bunch of little nail holes in the wall.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">I misplaced my stud finder. So...I tried to improvise.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Well that clearly worked. Do you even own a stud finder? I mean, I've <em>seen</em> your tool box. You have like one tiny screwdriver, a tack hammer, one circular saw blade but no actual </span><span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">saw--</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Duh, ninja star.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">And one massive plumber's wrench that's literally too big to fit in our bathroom. What's up with that?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">That's just me baby. I'm a handyman. I use my hands. I don't need a bunch of fancy tools to do a job.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA motions to the wall.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Really though? One extra tool would have been nice.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">I'm a man's man Ava.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Who's man? Is his middle name Leslie and does he enjoy candle making, macrame, and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Say one bad thing about Jane Seymour.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">I can't. But I can say that your fantasy is a little weird.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">I'm very proud of my fantasies. They're very detailed and elaborate. <em>And</em> they have soundtracks to them.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Like <em>Dr. Love</em> by <em>KISS</em>?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Yes, exactly. So what if <em>I'm</em> Dr. Love and I do some "work" on Jane Seymour? I'm a doctor--</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Of love.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">--working on another doctor, who is simultaneously working on me. It's ironic!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">And creepy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">That's the last fantasy I tell you about.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Whatever. Give me the hammer and a nail.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">(CHUCKLING)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Why? Are you going to give it a go? No, that's perfect. This should be funny.</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA puts her ear up to the wall while knocking on it with her hand. She quickly finds the stud and hammers the nail in.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Well what do you know? It looks like I found the stud...a real stud.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Brian looks thoroughly disappointed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Okay. Now hand me the picture.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Brian hands Ava the picture and she hangs it up. It's a macramed picture of Ava and Brian.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">At least it covers up the other holes.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Yeah...It looks really good.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Brian smiles passionately at Ava.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Thank you. I worked hard on--</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">No, I mean the hang job. It hangs nicely. It's symmetrical...I'm just kidding. You really do know how to macrame some...macrame.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Thanks. You know, when you say it out loud like that, it does sound kind of...lame. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN starts walking out of the room.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Where are you going?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">To buy some power tools, some lumber. I don't know, maybe find a more masculine hobby.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">Okay. Pick me up some tampons while you're out.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New; font-size: large;">FADE OUT:</span></div>
Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-91289187647963002552014-03-03T06:47:00.000-08:002014-03-03T14:33:31.841-08:00From The Thinkpad 2<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>The Whistler</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Sometimes I like to whistle. I do it <i>pretty </i>well. Not <i>that </i>well. Actually I'm pretty fucking terrible at it. I rarely hit the right note. However, I will keep whistling until I find it. I have that kind of desire and determination--the kind that may or may not annoy someone. I must admit, I am a little sloppy with my whistling--much like Jimi Hendrix was with his guitar. He could bend any string and find the right note. His guitar was an extension of his body much like my lips are like an extension of my body--some might say they <i>are </i>an extension of my body. So yeah, I'm pretty much the Jimi Hendrix of whistling.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have this phobia of whistling outside. I'm afraid if I whistle outside, all of the neighborhood dogs are going to chase me. I don't like whistling in public places either. If I whistle in a certain way, people might think I'm trying to hit on them. But really, I'm just trying to prevent them from getting hit, by a car--which I guess could distract them from actually seeing the car. I am a bathroom whistler though. I'll admit to that. Bathrooms usually have great acoustics. It just seems to be a natural reflex to whistle whilst taking a leak--whistling with your lips that is. But, it's not normal to whistle with your fingers while taking a leak. That would look a little weird. You know the form, thumb meets pointer finger or middle finger and you blow--which I can't successfully perform by the way. Then there's the pinkie meets pinkie form, which would look even weirder whilst peeing at a urinal. Why anyone would have to whistle like that at a urinal is beyond me, but it's just an example for you to see the distinction.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>Keep It On Your Face</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you're a performer of any kind, I think it's important to express most of your emotion through your face. It's crucial to look as though you're angry--borderline confused, or just angry by the fact that you are indeed confused. It makes you appear to be a pretty complex individual. However, in actuality you're probably concerned with whether or not you turned off your stove or something like that. But remember, art is pain, art is suffering, art is love--and as we've learned from Nazareth, love certainly does hurt.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>Small Concerns</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Is miniature golf technically just called <i>golf </i>if midgets are playing it? Or do you call it something different like eenie golf? Can golf get any more miniature at that point? I don’t think so. Also, if a midget is brief and isn't divulging crucial information, is it inappropriate to accuse them of being short with you?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>Roles</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">We all do our part in our relationships. We all have certain skills and attributes. For instance, my wife handles most of the financial matters <i>and</i>...pretty much everything else. I guess you could say she wears the slacks in the relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I do my fair share of <i>things</i>. Take for example, <i>ironing</i>. I do all of the ironing. It’s actually pretty amazing how terrible my wife is at ironing clothes. I always had to step in and smooth things out, so to speak. It’s fine though. That’s just part of what makes our union so strong. Sure, she wears the slacks. But...I iron them. So…</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>Preference</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">My wife likes her shower water pressure to be that of a fire hose. But, I can't handle that. Further more, my balls can't handle that. "What did you say dear? You would like to have more kids? Well, I'm sorry, but your <i>precious </i>Super Dee Duper shower head destroyed my precious balls. Call a plumber because the drain is probably clogged. I have big balls is all I'm trying to say. What's that? Oh, you took them away a long time ago? Okay,well, your boobies are my boobies--always have been...Yeah, you're right, it doesn't sound as harsh. What about your ovaries? Can I at least pretend, figuratively, that I possess them. Yes, it <i>will </i>help me sleep at night. And don't use all of the hot water please, because that affects my balls too. Let's just assume that everything could potentially harm my balls. Thank you."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>The Dancing Guy</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Sometimes it's weird seeing people out of their element. Take for instance the dancing guy at your local bar. He's always there cutting a rug. Well, not too many bars have rugs, which is probably a good thing. So we'll say, he's always there cutting up some linoleum--without fail, and he doesn't even look good doing it. You start to take comfort in the fact that he's always going to be there cutting loose, foot loose. Then one day you see him in a Walmart. The conditions are just right: a freshly waxed linoleum floor, some sweet ass 1990s R&B song playing in the background, and a Red Bull in hand, minus the vodka--but it's all good. However, this motherfucker isn't dancing--he isn't even bobbing his head. Hell, you don't even know how to address him because you don't even know his real fucking name. An awkward conversation ensues and next thing you know, you're agreeing to meet up with him for sushi next week. You run off and tell your friends with real names that you sighted the dancing guy at your local Walmart. And the first words uttered by them are, "Was he dancing? Tell me that motherfucker was dancing. Dancing right through the check out line I bet." Then sadly, you have to explain to them that, "The conditions were just right: a freshly waxed linoleum floor, some sweet ass 1990s R&B song playing in the background, and a Red Bull in hand minus the vodka." And one friend exclaims, "But, it's all good!" Then you say in a somber tone, "No...<i>no</i>. It wasn't all good. It wasn't even some good or partially good. Not even a smidgen of good, dog. I couldn't even mistake his movements for a jig. He had no bounce in his step. Anyway, his real name is Gerald. And he'll be joining us for sushi next week."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>O.C.D. Apparently</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I realized recently that I have a minor case of O.C.D. Actually, I just might have some serious pet peeves. I don't know. Anyway, it bothers me when time is left on the microwave, especially if it's blinking. Just clear it out, return it to zero or back to the clock. Also, it bothers me when I tear off a paper towel from the roll and expect it to tear where it's perforated. But it rips through the paper towel, leaving a little strand of paper towel stuck to the roll. Then I get mad and try to tear off that little piece and end up tearing off more. Next thing I know I'm drying my hands with thirty pieces of paper towel.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>Church Chimes</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I don't know if it's just me, but I think church chimes are eerie. They always sound just a little bit out of tune. There's a church right across from where I work. The chimes are always ringing when I walk out for lunch. There's nothing I can do but listen. So, one day I decided to rap along to the tune--spitting out inappropriate obscenities. It's an odd little justification but hey, I'll try to explain</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">. There are enough things in this world to fear. And church chimes should not be one of them. Make them sound more pleasant and I'll stop rapping. Okay God? Deal?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>G To the Love</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Whenever I put on a pair of leather gloves I feel like I'm about to conduct some handy work which involves not leaving any fingerprints behind--if you know what I mean. What if a hit-man goes to a guy's house, whacks him, suddenly realizes that he has to take a dump and pops a squat right in his bathroom? Does he still wear his gloves whilst wiping his ass? Because if he takes off his gloves briefly, there's a good chance he's going to leave fingerprints somewhere. And does he cover the seat with toilet paper? Because what if the cops dust for ass prints? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Sometimes I get the urge to slap people in the face with a leather glove. And they definitely don't have to deserve it. I think most people would be shocked, appalled and quite speechless if it happened to them. You couldn't get away with slapping someone in the face bare-handed. But, for some reason whipping out a glove and swinging it at someone's face seems more reasonable. Most people would question that pretty hard like, "Wait. Did this guy just slap me in the face with a glove? What did I do to deserve this? I probably said or did something dickish." And they would probably end up apologizing for God knows what reason. But who knows, maybe they would read into it too much like, "Did he just slap me, with a glove? I wonder what brand it is. Is it even real leather? He swung with his left hand. I wonder if it was actually the left glove. Does he have both gloves? Or does he walk around with just the one glove?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>Driving Me To Drive Like A Crazy Person</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I really wish there was a way to remove all terrible senile drivers from the road. It would be great if someone could invent something similar to a proton pack and a ghost trap like from Ghostbusters, but instead it would be for old farts that don't know how to drive. I could stand on the side of the road and blast them with my proton pack. Of course the trap would have to be big enough to fit a Lincoln or a Cadillac Wagon into. But, it's definitely something that could be worked out. If anything it would create jobs--real jobs that might boost the economy. We'd be called the Fogey-busters or Almost Ghostbusters or They're So Old They're Almost Ghosts-Busters. I'll figure out a real name later. Anyway. "Oh there goes another one. Buick, 12 o'clock." Zap! (Or whatever sound it'll make).</span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-50023597157651327302014-02-05T12:56:00.000-08:002014-03-03T14:33:49.067-08:00From The Thinkpad<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>1.</b> I want to find a friend who needs an intervention. But, not just any intervention. An intervention for a person who's a complete dick, asshole, jerk etc (whatever word you fancy). Then I'll round up a group of the usual suspects and some obscure types such as his 3rd grade teacher, therapist, mailman, kickboxing sparring buddy, ex-girlfriend, ex-ex-girlfriend, triple x girlfriend, current girlfriend, neighbors, his favorite male celebrity, and his dog. We won't reveal why we're intervening at first and let him state that he's not an alcoholic, he's not on drugs...he's not an addict. That's when we'll have to stop him and say, "You <i>are </i>an addict. You're addicted to being an asshole. Straight up, you're just one huge asshole. Asshole of the year material. You're the asshole of all assholes. Regular Joe assholes can't even stand you. You're something special--a special kind of asshole that just keeps getting bigger & bigger. You put the asshole in asshole." After all is said and done, we'll wait for a reaction--wait for an asshole to explode.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /><b>2.</b> It's nice to see a strong, confident woman--one that can stick up for herself. On the other hand it's annoying to see the overly strong, overzealous, independent woman--you know the one, the one that thinks she can beat up men. Sometimes you'll see a woman who flaunts her toughness and someone will say, "You have to hand it to her. She has balls." Then I think. "No, <i>no. </i>Balls are precisely what I wish she <i>didn't </i>have--something she most definitely shouldn't be flaunting."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
<b>3.</b> One day I was trying to think of my favorite actors. I could only come up with a bunch of male actors--not a single actress. Then I thought, "Is this my inner sexist coming out, or is it my inner gay coming out? Maybe it's my inner gay sexist coming out. Gay & sexist? Dag, that's a lot to handle. Nothing against gays or sexists, but, yeah...I mean, I'll support a gay pride parade all day, but I'm not going to support a gay sexist pride parade. That's all I'm trying to say."</span><br />
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<b>4.</b> It's a shame, but it's easy to look at any live action children's show and picture the characters years from now, all strung out and unstable. </span><br />
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<b>5.</b> I love it when parents talk about doing drugs in their youth. They always say, "We were just experimenting." You were experimenting were you? Doing a little testing? For what exactly? As if they were doing it just to make sure it would be safe for us one day. Then they found out that it was dangerous, damaging and dare I say deadly in some cases. When this was unveiled I'm sure they said something like, "Quick! Let's do all of the drugs so our kids will never ever be exposed to it. Look, over there! There's a whole field of mushrooms! Let's consume every last one. Then we'll have unprotected sex in the middle of the field and hope we don't conceive a child...Oops."</span><br />
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<b>6.</b> Garnish. Sure, you can garnish a dish. It's a <i>nice </i>decorative piece of something that you don't eat--which rests near your entree. It's virtually useless and hardly aesthetically titillating. You might have seen it whilst working at a restaurant during your collegiate years. Do you know what else can be garnished? Your wages. You might experience this once you don't find a job after college and can't make your loan payments. Then you'll probably find yourself back at that restaurant waiting tables again. Suddenly, the plated garnish won't look so bad. You might even be able to make a side salad providing that you save up enough of them. Extreme scenario? Probably. Is there truth and reality in it though? Yup.</span><br />
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<b>7.</b> Serious personal wisdom: Some weeks I spend my working hours handing out copies of land documents to title searchers. Sometimes I have to forget I'm a professional copy retriever/hand outer guy. But, more often than not, I have to remind myself that I <i>am</i>.</span><br />
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<b>8.</b> Sometimes I see white guys walking with a limp. Are they walking in a thuggish fashion? Are they injured? <i>Or </i>are they just crooked, lopsided people? I don't know. I don't pull over to find out. You can only take your concern so far. But hey, maybe next time I'll yell something offensive and see if he chases after me. If he keeps limping, then I'll yell an apology. At least then I'll know.</span><br />
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<b>9.</b> Does Tennis Elbow actually come from playing tennis? Or was it initially caused by something else like, <i>jerking off</i>? For instance, did some dude go to his doctor and complain about his elbow, and the doctor said, "I've never heard of anything like this before. Do you perform any strenuous activities with this arm?" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Well, sure Doc, I do some serious jerking off." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Hmm. I'm going to diagnose you with...<i>Jerking Off Elbow</i>." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Um, I'm sure we can think of a better name than that. I can't go around saying that I have Jerking Off Elbow. It makes me sound like a weird creep who goes around trying to jerk off people's elbows. It sounds like a psychological disorder."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Okay, well, do you play any sports?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"No, not really. I pretty much just jerk off. Sometimes I jerk off while watching tennis though."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"There it is. I'll call it...Tennis Elbow."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Very discreet. I like it."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />
<b>10.</b> Mature men like to remind everyone that they are grown-ass men. But, it's important to distinguish a <i>grown-ass</i> man from a grown<i> ass-man</i>. Surely, you don't want people to think you're a full sized ass. And now that's all I can picture--one huge ass with eyes, ears and a nose. Either way, I'm sure some day someone is going to have an intervention for that particular ass. Because you can only walk around looking like as ass for so long before someone comes up and smacks you. Then you would be a <i>smacked ass</i> and, yeah, there's nothing cool about that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-91694165018992367672014-01-31T21:34:00.000-08:002014-01-31T21:49:16.491-08:00It's Worth Words: Mad Props<span style="font-size: large;"> Does a wise man always use his time wisely? I'm sure he invests his time and wisdom in some careless people. It only makes sense that he make mistakes in order to learn, which makes him all the wiser. Wise men are people just like you and I. I'm pretty sure I saw one standing in a long line at the DMV one late afternoon. Most wise men would have been there first thing in the morning. But no, <em>this</em> wise man decided to wait until the DMV was at maximum capacity. <em>Why</em>, you ask? I don't know. Maybe he got blitzed the night before, causing a terrible hangover which led to procrastination. Then again, maybe this guy wasn't a wise man at all. He sure did have a rockin' beard though. I'll give him that. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> A wise man</span><span style="font-size: large;"> I am not. However, I feel as though I'm getting wise to the way of this peculiar and fickle world. Hindsight is one of the best tools that we have to evolve our conscience. It gives us the foresight to see a bad investment. I've made a bad investment. And time is what I invested. For a starving artist, time is like a cheap family heirloom--it's worth isn't something you can get your hands on, but something that's <i>worth </i>a story that's <i>worth </i>telling.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> One day I received a phone call from an independent filmmaker who needed assistance on a film that he was shooting. Initially I was hesitant, because to my recollection, we had never been acquainted. Shortly thereafter, I was reminded that I offered my help via email close to a year prior to this conversation. So I said to myself, "Oh, what the hell? I need to get some work under my belt anyway" and agreed to meet him one Saturday morning. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> I arrived on the main street, right in the center of an unfamiliar town. It was by no means a majestic town, but it wasn't necessarily a ghetto. However, some of the folks wandering about reflected a shabby lifestyle. The land consisted of a rolling terrain with intriguing levels that offered a very cool aesthetic--especially for shooting a film. So, things were looking up. Then I met the director: a slender, 60 something year old man, slightly hunched over, wearing all black including sunglasses and jet black hair that was clearly a dye job. I'm not going to lie, he reminded me of Roy Orbison--but if Roy Orbison was a serial killer. Despite</span><span style="font-size: large;"> the initial creepy turn off, his manner turned out to be quite kind and easy going. </span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> He showed me the locations that he wanted to use which included two bridges, one that stretched over a train track and one that arched over a body of water. I was under the assumption that there was going to be a full crew for this shoot. Boy was I wrong. The director informed me that he was not only directing but also acting the lead role. I thought to myself, "Hmm, that's quite ambitious of him. This guy likes to wear many hats. However, he's not actually wearing a hat at this very moment. Well, he isn't literally wearing one. It's a figurative hat. Sort of like an invisible hat, but not, because it's not actually there in invisible form. Maybe it's a blind ambitious <em>hat</em> or he just has blind, invisible ambition. I don't know. Anyway, it's an ambitious task. Ambitious indeed. But hey, it's <em>his</em> film." Then he told me that we would get started once his cameraman showed up--which meant that this was a three-man crew. He clarified that we were shooting establishing shots, scenes with no dialogue. I thought to myself, "Alright. Well, I can assume you're wearing a captain's hat</span><span style="font-size: large;">, because you're going to have to run a tight ship here my friend. Consider me your first mate...I'm not a homophobic person, but this is sounding pretty gay..first mate..tight ship. It's a good thing I'm not saying this out loud." </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> The director instructed me to go wait on the corner and flag down the cameraman. "He drives a red car," exclaimed the director. I stood on the corner like a working girl would stand on a corner meant for working girls--except I was a guy, still am in fact, and I wasn't showing nearly as much leg. Actually, now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure I was wearing pants. At any rate, I anticipated the cameraman's arrival like a person waiting to give someone a lift at an airport. If only I had a flag or a sign with the cameraman's name on it. Oh well, at least I sported a shit eating grin whilst trying to wave down every red car--which there were many. Finally, the cameraman pulled up, off in the distance, behind me <em>mind you</em>. Therefore, I didn't see him right away and he ended up getting to the director before I could actually flag him down. It was my first task of the day and I failed. Instead of moseying back to the director, I sprinted like madman who was desperately trying not to look crazy.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Once we all got acquainted, we focused on setting up the first shot. The director began to warm up, getting into full creative mode--which is always inspiring to see. So I says to myself, "Alright buddy. Pay attention. This guy has been around the block before. Which block? How many blocks? I don't know. I'll ask him later. But, for now, take some notes." Full of passion, the director says, "Alright, we have a cameraman. I'll be directing and acting. So, Ryan, I'm not sure what I want you to do yet. We'll figure it out." Splendid. So, we wander over to the director's old Chrysler Le Baron to gear up. I think to myself, "Oh okay. This is where you stuff me into your car and your buddy films the whole thing. So really, I'm the surprise cameo. Only I won't be acting, I'll genuinely be screaming like a girl." However, he opens the trunk and pulls out a camcorder, much like the one I use to shoot my video blogs that no one watches. You know, the kind you can get off the street. Then he reaches in and pulls out a briefcase-like box, case, container thing. Anything could be in there, <i>anything</i>. Perhaps a gun, a sandwich, drugs, plutonium or maybe one of those awesome hover boards from Back to the Future. Nope, none of the above. It was actually an old VHS camcorder. I think it was a Panasonic Supercam AG-DP800HP, but I can't be certain. I must say, it was a pretty cool looking camera. I mean, it was a clunky son of a bitch. But, it was </span><i style="font-size: x-large;">so </i><span style="font-size: large;">vintage, </span><i style="font-size: x-large;">so </i><span style="font-size: large;">choice. Then the director handed me the old camcorder and said, "I want you to use this." And I thought, "Oh I'm going to use this. I'm going to use the crap out of it." Then he said, "But, it doesn't work." And I shouted internally, "Well then what the fuck?" He continued with, "I need you to come up to the bridge with me. The cameraman will be shooting from down here. What I need you to do is to stand up there and pretend to film me, so people will know we're shooting a film. That will alleviate any distractions from passersby." So I thought to myself, "What? So, let me get this straight numb nuts</span><span style="font-size: large;">. You want </span><span style="font-size: large;"><i>me </i></span><span style="font-size: large;">to stand up </span><span style="font-size: large;"><i>there </i></span><span style="font-size: large;">with </span><span style="font-size: large;"><i>this </i></span><span style="font-size: large;">camera, this </span><span style="font-size: large;"><i>prop </i></span><span style="font-size: large;">and </span><span style="font-size: large;"><i>pretend </i></span><span style="font-size: large;">to film you so people won't try to interrupt?" But, I actually responded with, "Sure. Okay. I can definitely do that." And so I did it. And do you know what the irony is about this whole situation? I essentially </span><span style="font-size: large;"><i>acted </i></span><span style="font-size: large;">up on that bridge--acted my ass off mind you. However, I wasn't actually in the film, nor was I actually part of the crew. I was just some buffoon street performer pretending to be a cameraman, circa 1985. If I knew I was going to be playing an off screen, pretend cameraman with a 1980s camera, I would have dressed the part. But no, there was no wardrobe, no real instructions, nothing! And to make matters worse, my presence on the bridge was even more insignificant due to the fact that multiple drivers honked and yelled anyway--which was fine because the real cameraman was off in the distance and any ambient noise could easily be edited in post production. I often thought of this incident in a negative manner. But, what I realized was that the passersby wouldn't have honked and yelled if they didn't think we were really filming something. Therefore, my acting must have been really, </span><span style="font-size: large;"><i>really </i></span><span style="font-size: large;">convincing. And that's something I take pride in.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> In the end, I feel as though if you can search for something that was to be </span><span style="font-size: large;"><i>learned </i></span><span style="font-size: large;">and actually find it, you will then have </span><span style="font-size: large;"><i>earned </i></span><span style="font-size: large;">a lesson. And that's worth words--perhaps a story.</span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-13406848560784858562014-01-28T08:35:00.001-08:002014-01-28T08:35:02.763-08:00This Is So Us: Listen<span style="font-size: large;">INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA and BRIAN are sitting on the couch watching television. BRIAN is eating frozen yogurt. The program that they're watching goes to a commercial break. AVA hits mute.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Why do you always have to mute the commercials?</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Because most of them are annoying.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I beg to differ. I actually think that there are a lot of funny commercials these days. For example, look at those Sonic commercials. They're really goofy, <i>but </i>they're also really funny. The chemistry between those two guys is ridiculous. One might say redonkulous...redonky-donk...or just straight <i>donk</i>.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Well</i>, when one of those commercials comes on, I'll release it from it's mute state. Until then, just sit tight. Okay buddy?</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I can't believe you're Simon & Garfunkin' me right now. You know I can't stand the sound of silence. I love the <i>song</i>, but I can't take the real thing. I can't, I just can't.</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">Brian continues to eat his frozen yogurt. There's a lot of noise coming from him.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">You do know that you're eating frozen yogurt right? Which means, there's no chewing involved. In fact it's quite redonky-dick of you to make all of that noise.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">My mouth is completely closed whilst eating.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">You could have fooled me. Because all I can hear is a whole lot of chomping. What the hell is going on in there anyway, inside that oral vortex of yours?</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I can't help it if I have an overabundance of saliva which adds to the liquid that's already in my mouth.</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">AVA makes a gagging noise.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">One of these days this extra saliva is going to come in handy.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I can't see how it could possibly benefit us some day. And don't say something perverted like--</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Lubrication?</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Eww.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Seriously though, what if we're on a ship comparable to let's say...the Titanic and you want me to teach you how to spit <em>like a man</em>?</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">That would <em>never ever</em> happen. But, let me humor you anyway. I'd probably just throw you overboard, because no woman wants a spitting tutorial. It's not charming, it's not sexy, it's not a turn on. It's actually pretty friggin gross. No, you know what I would do? I would wait until the ship went down, find a huge door big enough for five people to fit on, but use the whole thing for myself and float to safety.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Hey! What about me?</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Well, you see, I'd wait for you...to freeze. Then I'd use you as an oar.</span><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Wow, harshskeys. Actually, no, I would be <em>proud</em> to be <em>your</em> oar.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I would love for you to be my whore.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">No, no, no. I said oar.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">What, you don't want to be my whore?</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Well, I do. Later. But, not right now. Right now I want to be your oar, for the sake of the story.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Aww, you hopeless idiot romantic.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Forget it. I changed my mind. My love will <em>not</em> go on! I hope you don't get remarried and don't have a bunch of kids. Instead I wish you a lifetime of struggle, buried in this couch, eating gallons upon gallons of rocky road ice cream, watching Judge Judy!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">...Great. I love Judge Judy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">BRIAN</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">What!? You are not the woman I married!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Brian storms out of the room with his frozen yogurt.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AVA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I can still hear you chewing. Nevermind, proceed, Judge Judy is on.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">FADE OUT:</span></div>
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Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6735799511639258347.post-45197931443227371582014-01-11T17:50:00.000-08:002014-01-11T19:14:13.099-08:00Slanted & Wobbly<span lang=""><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> I'm not a huge believer in fate, signs, and all of that mysterious, totally can't be proven <em>applesauce</em>. However, it's hard to ignore the repetitive nature of unfortunate circumstances and mishaps. For instance, why do I always pick the reject shopping cart and the wobbly table? Why?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> First of all, let me define a <i>reject shopping cart</i>. A reject shopping cart is a faulty shopping cart--usually with <i>one </i>jacked up wheel that prevents you from steering straight. As you know, this can be quite nettlesome. What exactly happens to these shopping carts? Because it's very unlikely that they're intentionally made to steer me into a tower of tampon boxes. What are <i>human beings </i>doing to these shopping carts to make them virtually useless? Is there a secret extreme stock cart racing event that I don't know about in the back of the store, beyond those swinging doors. Chances are, most of the damage is caused by bastard kids that don't know how to act in a civilized manner. Trust me, I was one of them. True, we <i>were </i>unrelenting hooligans. But, we were also discerning consumers. We actually did our fellow patrons a service by <i>stealing </i>a faulty shopping cart. And we probably got injured in the process. Did we conduct ourselves in a dangerous fashion? Yes. Were we stupid for doing so? Certainly. Were we selfless gentlemen, concerned with the well-being of others? Well, yes, you bet your ass we were. But, I digress. Let's take a seat at the wobbly table.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> The wobbly table is an uneven table that wobbles every time you lean on it. You can find these tables at your local diner, cafe, your grandmother's house and probably in an interrogation room. Some courteous yet, innovative engineers will locate the source of the problem and repair it with sugar packets--bringing the table back to a leveled, functional state. Yes, I'm sure that it is possible that some of the floors found in these establishments could be uneven--which would put the blame on the <i>real </i>engineers. However, I've found that more often than not, it's the table that's faulty. Should we blame China? Should we blame Ikea? I don't know. Probably. Blame the government. Blame a random baby. Blame social gatherings that require tables and chairs. I don't care. Hmm. There was a point I was trying to make here...</span></span><br />
<span lang=""><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span><span lang=""><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> Someone once told me that you can <i>study </i>perspective with both feet on the ground. But, you'll never <i>learn </i>anything until you're flat on your back or face down in the dirt. Actually, no one ever told me that. I just made it up. Perhaps these everyday inconvenient alterations are the result of karma. But, I honestly cannot think of any reason why karma, faulty carts, and wobbly tables would be linked. Who the hell believes in karma anyway? I don't. Well, maybe I do. Sometimes I do...<i>sometimes, </i>which is totally acceptable by the way. I can appreciate the notion of karma if it involves some sort of humorous, cleverly constructed metaphor that prompts me to say, "Man, you can't write this stuff." Then again some of these potentially karmic incidents result in some <i>hilarious </i>practical joke, which by the way <em>could</em> be written--probably for a whole slew of sitcoms. Hell, it could <i>all </i>be written and probably <i>has </i>been written because it's all be done and it's all been said--it just depends on how differently you construct your words. <i>At any rate</i>, what if <i>it is</i> exactly what everyone and their baby's momma says <i>it is</i> which <i>is </i>of course, "It is what it is"? This is such a passive thing to say. But, it's on the tip of all of our tongues. Karma and fate have been the life of the party for quite some time. However, quite recently it seems as though they're not even being invited. These days people are so cynical (myself included) to the point where everything becomes so cut and dry to the point where everything <i>is what it is</i>--rejecting any underlying meaning or solution.</span></span><br />
<span lang=""><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span><span lang=""><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> So if I were a true nonbeliever, I guess I could say I'm destined to be a spasmodic cart pusher. And I guess I'll subconsciously always be in search of faulty furniture. Honestly though, I feel like I'm somewhere between belief and unbelief--midlief (made up word). I feel as though with every imperfection and peccadillo comes something to think about and perhaps something to learn--if anything at all. Maybe that's all we're supposed to elicit from our misfortunes. Nothing coincidental, nothing fateful--just informational.</span></span>Ryguy's Bloghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00944936072804055562noreply@blogger.com0