Romantic Comedy: Extra Side of Love

EXT. DRIVEWAY - MORNING

AVA gets into her car and puts on her seat belt. BRIAN gets into his car and puts on his seat belt. They both roll down their windows.

BRIAN

I love you babe!

BRIAN puts his car into drive and starts to drive away.

AVA

I love you...more!

BRIAN slams on the brakes, puts it in reverse, parks the car and sticks his head out the window.

BRIAN

What the eff did you just say?

AVA

I said I love you, more!

BRIAN

That's bullshit and you know it!

BRIAN aggressively takes off his seat belt, gets out of the car and slams the door. AVA does the same.

BRIAN

My love for you is like a grilled cheese sandwich with crispy bacon inside of it!

AVA

Pfft. My love for you is like a double decker grilled cheese with bacon inside of it!

BRIAN

My love for you is like a triple decker grilled cheese with bacon inside of it, and extra bacon on the side!

AVA

Mmmm! My love for you is like a triple decker grilled cheese with bacon inside of it, and bacon on the side. But get this, there's no bread...the bacon is the bread!

BRIAN

Yum! My love for you is like all of that shit you just said, but with a side of cheese fries with bacon sprinkled on top...and the whole thing is deep fried.

(PAUSE)

AVA

Oh my God...That's a heart attack.

BRIAN

Yeah...I know...I would die for you.

AVA

I would die for you too.

BRIAN

Let's die together, but, when we're old.

AVA

Like The Notebook.

BRIAN

Exactly like The Notebook.

AVA and BRIAN embrace each other.

AVA

Let's call out of work.

BRIAN

I'm never going to work again.

They kiss and go inside their house.

BRIAN

(VOICE-OVER)

I'm glad you didn't go with the quadruple grilled cheese. Because that would have been impractical.

FADE OUT:

P Vision

        So, I was standing at the urinal. This guy walks up and stands at the urinal next to me. Now, just know that I didn’t look at his junk. However, my peripheral vision was really on point. So, I unintentionally got a glimpse. And all I wanted to say to the guy was, “Good for you.” But, uhh...so yeah, I did. I did it, I said, “Good for you.” And he was like, “Fuck did you just say?” That’s right. Mmm hmm. He left out the “what” and “the” and jumped straight to “fuck”. So, I thought to myself, “Good question. What did I just say?” And then I was like, “Oh yeah. I said, good for you.” He was like, “Are you trying to get your ass kicked?” It was then that I realized, maybe, just maybe I left the oven on, and also, that I might have pissed this guy off. Then, right off the cuff, I made a joke in my head which was, “Ain’t nothing like getting pissed off at a urinal.” And I laughed. The guy was like, “That’s a dumb joke.” You see, he heard me, because I accidentally said it out loud. I scrambled to think of a way to save myself. Then, I remembered I saw a ring on his finger and I said, “I think we’re having a classic misunderstanding. I noticed your wedding ring. And that’s why I said, “Good for you.” It's not easy finding “the one”. You’re a lucky guy. That’s all.” And he said, “I’m not married...That’s actually my cock ring.” I said, “Oh...well, so it is. I'm going to blame that on my peripheral vision. Do you know any good optometrists?”

Atomic Comic Competition

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGLHon_MmsU

Thinkpad June 14, 2017

1. It's unsettling when you have to take an Active Shooter class. But, it's even more unsettling when the instructor tells you, "A pen is a good weapon. And if it comes down to it, stab the shooter in his jugular." What!? Sheeeeit, I ain't Jason mutha fuckin' Bourne, mutha fucka. I think I'd be better off writing him a letter. "Dear Shooter. What can I say? Ummm, please don't shoot me. So...how's it going? How's work been treatin' ya? It's almost lunch time. Ever eat at Taco Bell? Their Cheesy Gordita Crunch is bangin'. Shit, I didn't mean to say bangin'. It's so bomb though. Fuck. I mean, it's very appetizing." At any rate, if anything ever happens...I'll be ready.

2. In the early years of photography, people generally didn't smile--which made for very somber photographs. Some say people didn't smile because of poor dental hygiene. But, some believe that people didn't smile because of long exposure rates on the cameras which made people reluctant to hold a smile for a long time. Man, can you imagine how sad a dick pic would have looked back then. Very somber. Very somber indeed. This is the reaction of a guy who got his dick pics developed back in the day.

3. At some point, somewhere, a kid had a problem with eating clothes. "Billy's always chewing through his t-shirts," they would say. So, to help out, the town confectioner created cotton...candy. Then one day someone said, "Damn, Billy. Quit eating your shoe laces." So, the town confectioner created shoe strings made out of licorice. And then, one day, the mayor shouted, "All of the townswomen are missing their...underwear. Where the hell is Billy?" Then the town confectioner exclaimed, "There's no fucking way I'm making edible panties!" But, as you know...he sure as shit did.

4. People hate to admit when they're getting older. I don't mind getting older. However, I do hate when I realize that I'm turning into my father. I hope it never gets as bad as this one incident. One day my dad meant to yell out for me, but he said, "Sean! No! Robert! Shit! Erin! Ah! Seamus! No! Ryan!" Sean, Robert, and Erin are my siblings. Seamus is the dog. My dad called out the dog's name before mine. That's fucked up.

5. I'm not racist, but...I was standing at a concession stand and in front of me stood an African-American man and his son who was probably like 7 years old (also African American). They ordered. The little boy got ice cream on a cone. Then he proceeded to sing the ice cream song. You know the one, "I scream. You scream..." Well, he sang, "I scream. You scream...We all yell for soft serve." Ummmm, what? I guess it's safe to say, he'll never be a rapper. The kid can't even finish a simple rhyme. Yikes.

Thinkpad June 8, 2017

1. Those Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercials are pretty ridiculous. But, now he thinks he can just chill in the back seat. Which begs the question, "Who the fuck is driving the car!?"

2. The other day someone asked me, "Whatchu 'bout to eat?" I said, "I'm about to eat a cheese stick." He was like, "You're going to eat a cheese dick?" And I said, "No. I said cheese dick. Shit!" He had me convinced that I was about to eat a cheese dick. "That's it, I'm switching to Babybel."

3. One time I was watching people run in a marathon. Then I thought to myself, "This would be so much more interesting if they were all wearing clown shoes."

4. Post-it Notes come in handy when you have to label your...Post-it Notes.

5. When you're wealthy, you drink fine wine with your girl at a fancy art gallery. When you're poor, you drink Boone's Farm with your girl, beside the railroad tracks and wait for a train to go by.

GIRL

I wonder what this artist is trying to say here?

GUY

It's graffiti. It literally says what it's trying to say. It says Deez Nutz. Don't read too much into it. Now, pass me the bottle.

Legal Pad

I write all of my thoughts and jokes on a legal pad. I just hope no one ever takes legal advice from it. Excerpt from 10/21/2013:

Thought #147: I think it's okay to rob a bank, if you trick the teller into giving you the money.

TELLER

How can I help you today?

ROBBER

(Taunting)

You won't give me all that money behind the counter.

TELLER

Um......That is correct.

ROBBER

Pfft. Rosalita was right...You are a little bitch.

TELLER

Rosalita? The branch manager? She said that?

ROBBER

Yup. Are you really surprised?

TELLER

Rosalita.....She's the little bitch.

ROBBER

Whoa! Hey guy! That's derogatory.

TELLER

I know. I'm sorry. I just can't believe she said that.

(PAUSE)

ROBBER

(Taunting)

You won't give me all that money behind the counter.

TELLER

Oh yeah?

ROBBER

Uh-huh.

TELLER

Well...you're right.

ROBBER

Pfft. Kenneth was right...You are a pussy vag.

TELLER

Kenneth? The loan officer? Pussy vag? Pussy vag...that's just redundant.

ROBBER

Does that surprise you? Kenneth has two N's in his name...One would have sufficed.

TELLER

Very true. Has anyone else said anything about me?

ROBBER

Well, Marybeth thinks you're a slob.

TELLER

I spilled coffee on my shirt one time!

ROBBER

Stu thinks you're too nice, which inevitably makes you everyone's little bitch. And you don't stick up for yourself which makes you a pussy vag. So, Stu thinks you're a really nice, little bitch, pussy vag.

TELLER

God damn it!

ROBBER

Oh, and I heard they're going to fire you.

TELLER

What the fuck!? Who did you hear that from?

ROBBER

I overheard Rosalita telling Stu...who was also telling Kenneth, Marybeth and Chuck.

TELLER

Who the fuck is Chuck?

ROBBER

Oh, he's the guy that's taking your position.

TELLER

That's it! I'll show them! Here, take all the money behind the counter! Go! Go! Go!

Appreciation for Self-Deprecation

When I was a kid, I was little...a little bitch. And now, I'm a big bitch. By the way, going from little to big is usually a good thing. For instance, "When I was young, I played little league baseball. I kept at it. And today I'm in the big leagues...When I was young, I had a little dick. And today, it's slightly bigger." But no, it's quite different when it comes to being a bitch. I'm such an easy target because of that fact. That's why I try to beat people to the punch, and make fun of myself first. But, it doesn't always work out.

One day I was outside with a friend, enjoying the fresh air. The sun was beating on my face. I took a deep breath, smiled, and said, "Now, this is what life's about." Then suddenly a bird swooped down and almost hit me. And I shouted, "Ouch!" The bird didn't even touch me. I wasn't even hurt. But, I shouted, "Ouch!" I did one of those moves where you turn, arch your back, and put your hands up like you're afraid to touch something cacky. Side note: Not khaki, as in the color. I have a pair of khaki pants. I'm not afraid to touch them. If I was, I probably wouldn't wear pants to work. Side note deux: If I was ever in the military and I had to go into battle. You bet your ass I'd be running through a field, shouting, "Ouuuuuuuuuuuuu...ch!" So, after I almost got assaulted by a bird (Not the penis type--but, the flying type. And if your penis does have wings and can take flight, then shit, that's fucked up.) So, after I almost got impaled by a bird, I quickly said, "If I was a flower, I'd be a pansy. Ha!" Then my friend said, "Nah...You'd be one of those little flowers on a pussy willow." And I said, "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit. Yeah I would." Mothafucka took me out with that horticultural shit.