Acceptance Speeches & Music

Interrupted by Music:

I find it interesting that the proper etiquette for nudging people off of a stage while their giving an acceptance speech is to drown them out with music. To be honest, I think it shouldn’t stop there. It should be part of everyday situations.

QUESTIONS & COMMENTS:

INT. HOME – DAY

KEITH is eating yogurt.

KEITH

(Voice over)

This is the best God damn yogurt I’ve ever tasted. I really need to thank someone. Someone needs to know that they’re doing a good job. What’s this?

Keith looks at the yogurt container and it says, “We welcome your questions & comments. 
Please call 1-800-1YOGURT”.

CUT TO:

INT. HOME – DAY

KEITH is on the phone.

KEITH

I can’t say it enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Without this yogurt, I wouldn’t be who I am today. My breakfast wouldn’t be well balanced. I’m going to put you on speaker phone because I can’t eat yogurt and hold the phone at the same time.

Keith puts his phone on speaker and places it on the table.

KEITH

Sometimes I add a little granola to my yogurt; a little nola to my yoag. Do you do anything special with your yogurt? Have you ever tried poking a straw right through the foil and slurping it?

Keith jams a straw into a yogurt and slurps.

KEITH

It’s good.

YOGURT REP

I can’t say that I’ve tried that before. Look, I appreciate the comments, questions and suggestions. However, we’ve been on the line for about an hour and—

KEITH

Can you over dose on this yogurt? Is that possible?

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Yogurt Rep is sitting at his desk with his headset on.

YOGURT REP

I think too much of anything isn’t good for you. And I certainly wouldn’t snort the yogurt.

CUT TO:

INT. HOME – DAY

Keith has yogurt around his nose.

KEITH

Yeah. It’s not as cool as it sounds. If you could hold on for just a little longer. I just have a few more shout outs. I’d like to thank the scientist who came up with the yogurt recipe. And if you could let the CEO know that he’ll always have me as a customer. Oh, and I’d like to thank the factory workers or machines/robots and the people that control the robots. I’ve always wanted to meet a robot. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to—

SOUND OF CLASSICAL MUSIC FADING IN.

KEITH

Okay, okay. I’m running out of time. Can you hear me? It's kind of hard to talk over this music. Hello?

MUSIC GETS LOUDER AND LOUDER, DROWNING KEITH OUT.

OPEN MIC NIGHT:

INT. CAFÉ - NIGHT

NICK & TOM, folk singers, rock out the last five seconds of their set. The crowd claps and cheers.

NICK & TOM

Thank you.

NICK

Thank you so much!

TOM

Thank you so, so much!

Claps and cheers die down.

NICK

I just want to say, we appreciate you guys coming out tonight. We hope you enjoyed yourselves. We sure did. I’d like to take a moment to thank our mothers. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them. I mean that in the literal sense and the other literal sense.

TOM

Literal sensi.

NICK

A double entendre if you will. Our moms conceived us and they drove us here. So, thank you moms.

Tom walks over to Nick’s microphone.

TOM

Yeah, thank you. We love you. Furthermore, I think we should take a moment to thank our managers for landing us this wonderful gig. So…thanks again mom and mom.

NICK

Ditto.

Tom looks at the very back of the room.

TOM

Hey mom. There’s a pretty lady in the front row here. Take a look and tell me if she’s marriage material…What’s that? Yeah, I know. She’s nothing special, but…

Tom looks at the girl.

TOM

I’m sorry. It’s not going to work out between us. Thanks for coming though.

NICK

That’s what she said. I’m just kidding. She never said that.

TOM

Actually, there was that one time when she did say that. Remember?

NICK

Oh right. There was that one time. But I digress. Moving on, I’d like to thank my dogs, Chuck & Bruce, for always giving me constructive criticism and for being my best friends; a man’s best friends…ladies.

TOM

I thought I was your best friend.

NICK

That’s debatable. I’ll have to see what Chuck and Bruce have to say about that. Listen up people; we appreciate you supporting our music. But, now we need you to support us in a different way. There’s a basket going around; much like the kind you’d find in a church. Actually, it is from church. Thank you Father Sebastian.

TOM

Don’t be shy people. And please, no loose change, just dollar bills. It’s going towards a good cause. I got into a bad accident…band accident…a Rock Band accident last week. I was rocking out, probably a little too hard, and I took a mean spill. Plus I think I have arthritis in my right hand. But that might be from something completely unrelated.

NICK

Thanks again folks. Are we forgetting to thank anyone?

TOM

(Counting with his fingers)

We got our moms, the fans…

NICK

The fans, yeah, we got the fans.

TOM

Chuck and Bruce.

NICK

Check.

TOM

No, Chuck.

NICK

No, I was saying check as in “Check, yes, we thanked them.”

TOM

Oh.

MUSIC FADES IN AND CUTS THEM OFF, MUCH LIKE AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

NICK

Whoa! What’s with the music?

TOM

Umm, that’s rather rude. We’re not finished with our speech. Who are these cantankerous beings promoting this, this tomfoolery?

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT INTO A WIDE SHOT REVEALING THE OTHER BAND MEMBERS, JACK & COLLIN, WHO ARE PLAYING THEIR INSTRUMENTS.

JACK

It’s us…the rest of the band, over here, behind you.

COLLIN

Are you guys going to let us speak or…?

NICK

Um.

TOM

Well…I guess that would be acceptable. Sure, why not?

NICK

Sure, why not? Why not? Sure. Go for it.

JACK

I’ll go first.

COLLIN

Wait. Why do you get to go first?

MUSIC FROM THE SPEAKERS FADES IN, DROWNING OUT THE BAND COMPLETELY.

The audience disperses along with the café workers.

FADE OUT:

More Thought & Concerns

The Amish & Their Marshmallows:
A co-worker of mine confessed his desire for a Lucky Charms cereal that consists of just the marshmallow charms. Fortunately enough, you can find a bag full of marshmallow charms at your local Amish market. So, I shared my wealth of marshmallow charm knowledge with my co-worker and he nearly jumped over a rainbow with excitement. Then I thought to myself, “What process do the Amish use to fill such big bags with marshmallow charms?” I mean, are there Amish children in the back tearing into boxes of Lucky Charms, separating the marshmallows from the toasted oat-based pieces? I’m going to take a wild guess and say the answer is yes, or “yay”, as our Amish friends would say. Also, are the marshmallow pickers in cahoots with the Amish children in the barn who are milking cows? Do they meet up at the end day and eat marshmallow charm cereal together? Are they like, “I’ll score some marshmallow charms. You score some milk. And we’ll meet up later behind the school house. Look Ezekiel, I don’t care how dry the cows are. Just get me my milk. Milk something, anything.” It’s no wonder they can work all day long and stay awake. It’s because they’re all hopped up on marshmallow treats. I wonder if they have their own Amish version of rock-paper-scissors, like, limestone-papyrus-sickle.

Selfish Sneezers:
Years ago it seemed as though people would sneeze once and you’d say, “God bless you” or “Bless you”. It was more than just a social formality; it was how we exemplified proper etiquette. It was part of our belief system. But, lately I’ve noticed that people are sneezing more than one time. It’s more like two times, three times, four times and sometimes more…times. My feeling on the topic is that I can’t go around blessing people all day. It becomes a bit redundant to the point where my blessings are simply insipid words. Take some medication if you have allergies. The fact that you’re sneezing all over the place knowing damn well that you have allergies and aren’t taking medication makes you look like a selfish sneezer. Well, I can be selfish too. You can listen for a “Bless you” after you sneeze five times. But it won’t be coming from me. The only thing coming from me will be a glare followed by a sad expression. And you will know that at that very moment, not only will I be mad, but I will be very, very disappointed.

Breakfast Club Conversation:
So I says to a co-worker “Yeah, so I told my wife to go fix me a turkey pot pie.” Then he said, “Oh really? And did she pull the frozen pot pie out of the freezer and chuck it at your head.” Realizing that it is in fact the year 2012 and you can’t talk to women like that anymore, I concurred and went about my day.

Bloodsport:
This has to be the most played movie on television. Hell, I must have seen it about one thousand times. At least I know when all else fails and there isn’t anything else to watch on the television, Bloodsport will be there waiting for me; sometimes on more than one station.

Late Fees:
Some companies like to give you a good deal initially. Then they’ll hit you up with outrageous late fees. It’s interesting to think about. These companies must be saying something like, “Well, we’ll give them a good deal. However, they are lazy Americans. Therefore, we can just rape them with late fees because they sure as hell aren’t going to return the goods on time.” That’s sad. They have to rely on our laziness to make a buck, until one day we’ll be too lazy to leave our houses to pick up a movie. Then they’ll go out of business. I guess that’s what happened to Block Buster and Hollywood Video. Someone named Netflix came up with a more convenient and efficient way for us rent movies; which requires minimal movement or muscle function. I mean, there is some mobility required. You do in fact have to walk to get your mail. However, there are a lot of things you can watch right in your Instant Queue. In that case, you can just lay there, place a pillow on your stomach, place the remote on the pillow and control your cinematic experience with the greatest of ease; with hardly any movement.

Rod Stewart vs. Fred from Right Said Fred:
Who’s sexier? Who’s too sexy? One could make the argument that neither is. Just saying.
The Fake Kind of Cool:
Sometimes people can convey a sense of awkwardness by using one word, and that word is “cool”. You could be having a conversation with someone and they’ll say, “I went naked scuba diving this weekend.” Depending on how you feel about naked scuba diving, your response could be “Cool” or “Kewl (pronounced Kee-ool, like mule, but with a “k”).” If you really thought it was cool you’d say, “That’s cool” or “That’s really cool.” But if you didn’t think it was cool but felt compelled to say cool, then you would have said, “Kewl” or “That’s kewl (Almost dragging it out with some sort of accent).” This is how you can tell if someone really thinks that something is “cool”.

You da man:
I love the fact that people still say, “You da man.” It used to be a serious compliment like, “Chaz, great punt return. You da man.” And I bet Chaz even felt like he was in fact “da man”. But, today it’s something that middle aged people say because they think it’s cool…or kewl. It’s also something the younger generation might say. However, they use it in a condescending tone. So look out for that, middle aged peeps.

Dumping A Deuce: There are always new ways of expressing what you’re feeling. When people have to take a crap they say, “I have to drop a deuce” or “I have to take a dump” (among other fine expressions). Well, I decided to change it up a little bit. From now on I’m going to say, “I have to dump a deuce.” However, it can be used in other instances. For example if I was someone’s boss and I had to fire them I would say, “I hate to be the bearer of bad deuces. But I have no choice but to dump this deuce on you. You’re fired” or “There’s nothing I would want to do less than dump a deuce like this on you. But…you’re fired” or “Listen. I’m dumping a deuce…and it’s on you. You’re fired.” Who knows, it could be the next reality TV show. Bosses go around firing insubordinate employees and proclaim, “You just got Deuce Dumped!”


- Ryan

Guitar Lesson From A Giant

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eE-F2l4c0-4

Mr. Indecisive

SNL type of skit.


EXT. EDGE OF A CLIFF - DAY

TIM has his arms hanging over the edge of a cliff grasping onto his wife WENDY and his best friend PITTSEY, who are struggling to hold on too.

TIM

(panicking)

Don't worry! I'll save you both!

PITTSEY

Don't be a fool Tim! You can't possibly save us both! Let me go and save your wife!

TIM

Look, just hang in there! I'm sorry. Pun definitely not intended.

WENDY

What's wrong with you!? Can you be serious just once!?

TIM

Sorry. Just relax. I'm going to pull you both up.

Tim strains like a body builder and tries pulling them up, but he doesn't make any progress.

TIM

Pittsey listen to me, I just want you know that....you're right. I can't pull you both up. I used up most of my strength and I can only hold on for like another minute, tops.

PITTSEY

You know what? I don't want to die. Save me instead.

WENDY

What!? Tim, I am your wife!

PITTSEY

Yeah, but, I knew him first. We've been friends for twenty years. Plus, I introduced the two of you. And, I can introduce him to his next wife. Tim, do remember that barista from the cafe?

TIM

Vaguely. 5'5", mocha skin, dark brown hair, luscious lips, and that cute little mole on her right cheek. Oh, and she had huge boobs, right? I likes me some whole milk in my latte.

PITTSEY

That's the girl. Well, she totally digs you and I can set you up with her.

WENDY

Tim, you'll never find a lover better than me.

PITTSEY

"Than I". Don't listen to her Tim. Hey, remember that little thing we had going on in college Freshmen year? We had some fun didn't we? I'm up for it again, if you're up for it.

WENDY

(Appalled)

Ewww.

TIM

(Embarassed)

Umm. We were confused then. That's all in the past anyway. Haha.

PITTSEY

Just saying. Keep it in mind.

WENDY

So now you have some dirty little secrets Timmy!?

TIM

It's funny you should mention that Wendy. Or should I call you Mrs...Wendy...Pittsey. That's right. I know that you've been two timing me for nearly a year now with my best friend, Pittsey. Well, well, well. It looks like there's only one thing left to do. I have to let you go...The both of you.

PITTSEY & WENDY

(In slow motion)

No!

Tim lets go of Wendy and Pittsey..

SOUND OF CLAPPING. THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT, REVEALING A MALE THERAPIST IN AN OFFICE WITH A FAKE CLIFF AND A BACKDROP OF A SKY. Pittsey and Wendy are fine and stand a few feet below the prop.

THERAPIST

Great job Tim! You were able to make a decision in the harshest of circumstances. I'll need you to come back next week for a final evaluation. But, I can confidentally say that this should be our last intense therapy session. Congrats!

TIM

That's just amazing. You know, I feel good. I feel really good, like I'm cleansed. You know what I'm saying? There's no turning back now.

THERAPIST

Keep up the good work. I'll see you next week.

Pittsey walks up to Tim.

PITTSEY

Way to go buddy. That was pretty convincing. Like, when you said, "I'll save you both!" I was like, whoa, he's really going to save us. But then...you didn't.

TIM

Thanks man. So Pittsey, are you really going to hook me up with that barista or what?

PITTSEY

You know it buddy.

TIM

My man! Let's go grab some lattes.

PITTSEY

Let's do it. We have some celebrating to do. Hey Wendy, we'll be home later okay sweetie?

WENDY

Sounds good. I'll make you boys some chocolate chip cookies.

THERAPIST

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Tim, what the hell are you doing?

TIM
What?

THERAPIST
You're not exactly letting them go. And you two, you're just enabling him. You're screwing with his head!

Tim, Pittsey, and Wendy all look at each other with confusion.

WENDY

Do you believe this guy?

TIM

Sounds like the therapist needs some therapy. Let's get the hell out of here guys.

PITTSEY

You're going to be alright Tim. I'll find you a real doctor, like Dr. Phil.

Tim, Pittsey, and Wendy head for the exit. The therapist throws his folder into the air.

FADE OUT:



- Ryan

Some Thoughts & Concerns

Today's Top 10 Thoughts & Concerns:

1. As of today, "H" to the "O" or "H" to the "IZO" will be an abbreviation for Hall & Oates. No longer will it have a negative connotation. Instead, it will be used to celebrate great American music, mullets, Jheri curls, and carefully groomed mustaches. Cool hipsters, frat boys, emo kids and dirty hippy kids alike will be shouting "H to the O!", in hopes that a DJ will make their dreams come true; because everyone has to get their jam on. Take that Jay-Z.

2. It makes me sad to think that the hardest Neil Diamond will ever rock is when he plays Sweet Caroline. Led Zepplein, for example, have heavy rocking songs like Black Dog, Communication Breakdown, and Stairway to Heaven, among many other killer tunes. But Neil has Sweet Caroline, Cherry Cherry, and Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show. Well, I guess it isn't so bad. Neil should know that Sweet Caroline will live on; probably in the basement of a fraternity house, being torn to bits vocally by our drunken youth, our future. But, atleast they'll be rocking the shit out of it.

3. I feel like I can't get away from Kevin Bacon. I was listening to Bad Company's I feel like making love. But all I could hear was, "I feel like Bacon love...Kevin Bacon love."

4. I came across a name the other day and it was Wildonger.

5. I started reading a book about ninjas (or Ninja). I was a few sentences in and it said, "Always conceal your ninja identity (or something like that)." I immediately shouted, "Aww hell no! Fuck that" and roundhouse kicked that book right in it's preface; because if I'm a ninja, people are going to fucking know it. Boom!

6. Why do British people think they're so special? They think because they use the word "brilliant", it makes them sound brilliant. But, sadly, it does not. I could say that when I go home I'm going to take a brilliant shit and wipe my brilliant ass with my brilliant toilet paper. However, it wouldn't fit any translation of the word "brilliant":

a. shining brightly; sparkling; glittering; lustrous: the brilliant lights of the city.

b. distinguished; illustrious: a brilliant performance by a young pianist.

c. having or showing great intelligence, talent, quality, etc.: a brilliant technician.

d. strong and clear in tone; vivid; bright: brilliant blues and greens; the brilliant sound of the trumpets.

e. splendid or magnificent: a brilliant social event.

noun

f. Jewelry . a gem, especially a diamond, having any of several varieties of the brilliant cut.

g. Printing . a size of type about 3 ¹ / ₂ -point.

And if somehow one or more of these definitions describes what your shit looks like, then yes your shit is brilliant.

7. My co-worker just said, "Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!" And I replied, "No! I don't shit for anyone but myself. Maybe you should do your work instead of demanding shit from people."

8. The wink: I say embrace the wink. Whomever graces your face with a wink, take it as a compliment. It doesn't matter if it comes from a creepy molester guy, coincidentally named Chester, with a John Oates mustache, beer gut, and a flat ass which inevitably leads to some ass cleavage. Just be glad that Chester thinks you're a catch. And find comfort in the fact that Chester will always have your back, be it in prison or in a dark alley. You could be singing at an open mic night and you know that Chester will be there cheering you on; even if you can't see him because he's camouflaged into the walls.

9. Lucy: A cute name that Beatles fans give their children.

Loosey: A trashy name a hooker gives her unborn child after she just bummed a cigarette off of her baby daddy a.k.a. pimp .

10. I want to start an Asian Neil Young cover band called Neil Yong. If there are any other Asians out there that are interested, just let me know. 

- Ryan

Passion & Pizza

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Two young adults, ROSE and HANK are sharing an intimate moment in their bed. Hank is on top warming up and Rose is fluffing her pillow. Hank is wearing a captain's hat. VIBRATING SOUND AND SOUND OF INSTRUMENTAL VERSIONS OF INXS SONGS PLAYING.

HANK
(Role playing)
This is your Captain speaking. At this time, make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Also make sure your seat belt is correctly fastened. Also, we advise you that as of this moment, any electronic equipment must be turned off. Thank you.

ROSE

Roger that.

Rose reaches under the blanket, pulls out a vibrator, turns it off and places it on the night stand.

ROSE
Just let me know when we reach full altitude. Okay honey?

Rose reaches for her cell phone on the night stand.

HANK
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Electronic equipment must be turned off. Captain's orders. Don't tell me you're going to play Angry Birds...again.

ROSE
No, no, no. I just wanted to order a pizza.

HANK
Right now? Can't you wait until we're done?

ROSE
Angelo's Pizzeria closes in five minutes. So...yes, I guess I could wait until we're done. But I mean, it shouldn't take long.

HANK
Actually, I have a second scenario for us to act out. So, it could take a while.

ROSE
No, I meant the phone call shouldn't take long.

HANK
Oh. Well, alright. But you better make it snappy.

ROSE
Okay. Thanks baby. You can continue.

Rose grabs her phone, dials the number and waits. Hank slowly thrusts.

ROSE
So what's my motivation again?

HANK
You're a dancer from France taking the red eye to New York City because there is an opening at a dance academy. You need to get there like, yesterday and the pilot is taking forever. Therefore you have to persuade him to fly faster. But, he doesn't speak French. Wink wink.

ROSE
Oh yeah...Hello I'd like to place an order for delivery.

HANK
(Whispering)
I'll thrust softly.

ROSE
(On the phone)
What kind of pizza would you recommend?...Mmm. Give me that.

HANK
(surprised & awkward)
Oh yeah? You want some more of that? Because I got it. I mean I got more of that, it, I got.

Rose covers the phone.

ROSE
No. Sorry baby. I was talking about the pizza.

HANK
(embarassed)
Oh. Right.

Hank awkwardly continues thrusting.

ROSE

(Talking on the phone)
Well, it's for two. So, the bigger the better.

Hank appreciates the innuendo, nods and gives Rose a sleazy smile.

ROSE

(Talking on the phone)

That's hot right?

HANK

I don't know. Is it hot? I'm the one working it here. So, uh, you tell me.

Rose covers up the phone.

ROSE

Hank relax, I'm talking to the guy about what kind of sausage he has. Give me a minute.

HANK

Oh I'm sorry...

Hank continues thrusting.

HANK

(Whispering)

Mmm. Now I'm getting hungry too. Add peppers to that.

ROSE

(Enthusiastic)

Oh yeah. Give me that. That's what I want....Hank I'm talking to you.

HANK

(Shocked)

Oh! Right.

Hank starts thrusting faster.

ROSE

(Talking on the phone)

Okay, so one large sausage & pepper pizza. That should be everything. Fifteen minutes?

HANK

Ladies and gentlemen, as we start our descent, please make sure your...Oh no! Flight attendants, prepare for landing.

ROSE

(Talking on the phone)

Fifteen minutes sounds perfect.

Rose hangs up the phone.

HANK

And I've landed.

THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT REVEALING A MOVIE CREW AND DIRECTOR.

DIRECTOR

Cut! Good job guys. That's a wrap folks!

The crew starts clearing the set.

HANK

Well, that turned out pretty well.

ROSE

Yeah. You totally nailed it.

HANK

No, you nailed it.

ROSE

No, I'm pretty sure you nailed it.

HANK

Alright. We both nailed it...together. Say, do you want to go grab a slice of pizza.

ROSE

That would be nice.

FADE OUT:

- Ryan

Soap Opera Skit

This is intended to be a SNL type of skit. It's shot just like a soap opera.


INT. MANSION - NIGHT

VINCENT, a very important man, walks into a mansion in the midst of a swanky social event. Vincent looks at his watch as his assistant JACK comes scurrying up.

VINCENT

I expect you to be on time Jack. I'm a very important man. I need you by my side so people can say, "Oh look. Vincent has an assistant. He's a very important man."

JACK

I'm so sorry Vincent. That's my bad.

VINCENT

Now take off that bowtie. You can’t look swankier than I. We don't want people to think that I'm your assistant now do we?

JACK
(Sarcastic)

No. That's not at all what I was trying to do.

Jack takes off his bowtie.

VINCENT

I hope your productivity far exceeds your punctuality.

JACK
Don't worry. I got the scoop on this whole family. Every little dirty detail. Let's do a walk through. Quick, quick, to your left. Do you see that cougar with the plump rump as round as that punch bowl? And the huge rack. If I were Elmer Fudd I'd hang my gun on it then pull Bugs Bunny out of her cleavage. You know what I'm saying? Haha.

VINCENT

Jack. That's...

JACK

That's Denise. She's a heartlesss money moocher. Not to mention a tramp. She's having an affair with that guy over there. His name is Ned.

SHOT OF A NERDY GUY NED.

JACK

He's a well endowed genius. Lucky bastard.

VINCENT

Jack. Listen to me...

JACK (excited)

Eww! Check out this guy. He's Denise's husband, Bill. He's probably going to die of a heart attack. I’m just guessing though.

SHOT OF BILL WITH BUGGED OUT BLOOD SHOT EYES AND WHITE POWDER ON HIS NOSE.

VINCENT

Jack, listen to me. These people....

JACK

And here we are! The sleaziest, filthiest, mangiest of them all. The old bag & heir to the family throne, Agnes. Let's get you aquainted!

VINCENT

Wait, wait, wait.

JACK

Ms. Agnes, my name is Jack. I'd like you to meet...

AGNES

Vincent. I'm so glad you could make it.

JACK

Wait. You know her?

VINCENT

Yes...She's my grandmother.

Denise, Bill, and Ned walk up. Vincent turns to Denise with a look of disgust.

VINCENT

How could you, mother? How could you screw Ned...your son...my brother.

SOUND: DUN! DUN! DUN!

JACK

Wait. Ned's your brother? And Denise is...Oh dear God.

BILL

It's okay Vincent. I knew all about it. I also have been unfaithful. I screwed Agnes...my mother...your GamGam.

SOUND: DUN! DUN! DUN!

JACK

Why!?

NED

I too screwed GamGam Aggy.

SOUND: DUN!

JACK

What is wrong with you people? Is this what it takes to get the family jewels?

VINCENT

Yes Jack. That's exactly what it takes. That's why I screwed everyone in this room including my father Bill, my brother Ned and the butler.

JACK

Who's the butler?

SOUND: DUN! DUN! DUN!
SHOT OF THE BUTLER. HE HAS LONG HAIR, A MUSTACHE AND BIG BOOBS.

VINCENT

Jose...or Josephine. It really depends on the day. But he..she..it was adopted.

JACK

Well, it looks like your family secret is out.

VINCENT

Yes. And that’s why we have to kill you.

JACK

I’m afraid you can’t do that.

VINCENT

Well, why in the hell not?

JACK

Because you don’t kill family members Vincent…

Jack pulls off a mask and is now a woman.

JACK

You screw them.

BILL

My long lost daughter Jacqueline.

SOUND: DUN! DUN! DUN!
Bill falls to the ground and has a heart attack. Everyone gasps, but very unsympathetically.

JACK/JACQUELINE

I told you.

DENISE

Oh thank God!

NED

That’s one less person we have to screw.

VINCENT

This is cause for a celebration.

DENISE

Where’s the champagne?

AGNES

Yeah. Who do you have to screw to get a drink around this place?

A bartender pops up from behind the bar.

BARTENDER

Me. You have to screw me.

They all fight over who gets the first drink.

BARTENDER

Everyone relax. There are plenty of screwdrivers to go around.

FADE OUT: