How do you make a movie better?

You replace the two leading actors with Nicholas Cage and Keanu Reeves.

Terrible Accidents

Sometimes people get into terrible accidents. It’s hard to imagine some accidents being so terrible. Here are some examples.

Terrible Accidents:

1.      “Joe got into a terrible finger painting accident.” This is hard to take seriously. What could possibly make this accident so terrible? Well, maybe Joe was driving while finger painting. Then it turns into a finger painting car accident. This sounds a bit more terrible. However, if Joe wasn’t terribly stupid then he wouldn’t have been finger painting while driving. And how old is Joe anyway? Finger painting? Really Joe? Well, maybe Joe is just a little kid. If that’s the case then he sure as hell shouldn’t have been finger painting while driving let alone driving at the age of eight. Let’s just leave out the driving part of it. Ok fine then. One second Joe is finger painting in a class room. Suddenly he spills paint all over the floor. Next thing you know kids are slipping and sliding all over the place, painting with their feet. Painting with their feet? You know, some people would give their right arm just to be able to finger paint one last time. But they can’t because they don’t have any hands. And there goes Joe and the rest of the kiddy abstract expressionists clumsily creating one big masterpiece of shit. Finger painting ain’t no joke. Hmm. The words “it ain’t no joke” basically translates into “it isn’t no joke”. If it “isn’t no joke” then it must be some joke.  So to clarify, finger painting isn’t a joke. So as a side note, only use Ebonics when you have to. Why would you ever have to? Exactly.

2.      “Timmy got into a terrible bird feeding accident.” Really? Yes, really. Funny? No…well, yes. But, bird feeders aren’t intended to be part of a joke. They may appear to be still and non-precarious. But, I tell you what, they are totally precarious; totes-precarious. And dare I say pro-precarious…pro-carious. What some people don’t know is that bird feed conceals pepper which is used to keep squirrels away. And pepper to the eyes is not a good time. Just ask any dirty bird. And by dirty bird I mean pervert. Sometimes you can take pepper to the eyes just by being in close proximity to a dirty bird. In this instance I’m talking about actual dirty birds of the foul, fowl flying type. Timmy thought he could score some free sunflower seeds from a bird feeder. That’s right; Timmy didn’t want to buy his own sunflower seeds and go through the tedious process of breaking the shells and retrieving the seeds. Well, to make a short story longer, Timmy went bobbing for seeds, got some pepper in his eyes, freaked out, ran out into the street, caused a car to crash into a tree (the driver may or may not have been finger painting) which then caused a bee hive to fall out of the tree onto Timmy; covering him with honey. Blinded, Timmy ran right into the bird feeder which covered him with seeds. Suddenly, the birds from the scathed tree flew out and attacked Timmy. Oh well. What can you do? It was just another one of those crazy, terrible bird feeding accidents.

- Ryan

Oh, I can't complain. Really.

INT. BREAK ROOM - DAY

ED is sitting in the break room by himself. He's enjoying some yogurt. JOE walks in and fixes himself a cup of coffee.

JOE

Hey man. What’s worse than small talk? Riddle me that.

ED

(Unenthusiastic)

I don’t know. Tell me. Please (under his breath).

JOE

Too much talky.

ED
You don’t say.

JOE

I do say. Some people just want to tell you their life story. But no one really cares. Sometimes I just want to say, “Shut the hell up and stop whining. Your life isn’t that bad and more importantly it’s not that significant.” No matter how good people have it, they still manage to find things to complain about.

ED

True. Well, do you ever tell them how you feel?

JOE

No.

ED

Well, I think you should. Because how else are they going to know?

JOE

You know what? You’re right…I should tell them. They should know.

Ed gets up, throws away his yogurt container, heads for the doorway, stops and turns around.

ED

Hey. What’s worse than hearing someone complain? Riddle me that.

JOE

Hmm. I don’t know. What?

ED

Hearing someone complain about people complaining.

Joe laughs and nods his head.

JOE

True, very true. It’s kind of ironic if you think about it.

Joe continues laughign. Ed smirks.

ED

Yeah. I’ll talk about you, I mean talk to you later.

Ed exits. Joe sips his coffee and looks at a newspaper.

JOE

People complaining about people complaining. Idiots.

(PAUSE)

JOE

Wait a second...Hey!

Observe & Celebrate

           There is an agglomeration of races in the United States. Despite all of our differences, we do have one bona fide similarity. We all love a good celebration. It doesn’t really matter what we’re celebrating, as long as you can raise a glass to it. Hell, we even celebrate our differences. Irish Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo and I’m pretty sure Mexican Americans celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day.

Celebrations aren’t limited to holidays alone. We proudly observe many days each and every year. In fact, some occasions are so important that we devote a week or even a month of observation. Sooner or later we’re going to run out of days, things are going to overlap and we’re going to become “over booked”. Yep, you’ll plant a tree every Earth Day to show that you love the planet. And you’ll hire a freaky looking clown for your child’s birthday which coincidentally is on Earth Day. Then, one day your child will grow up, resent you and the trees that you’ve planted. He’ll become a drunk who can only land a job performing as a clown at a homeless shelter. He’ll get paid in balloons but not the good illegal kind of balloons but the kind that you blow up, tie together and make animals out of. One morning on his birthday, Earth Day, you’ll wake up, look outside and find your thirty-something year old drunk clown child pissing all over your trees. Hey, it’s a harsh reality. But it’s his birthday and he can piss on a tree if he wants to.

Sure, it may seem like a ridiculous and unlikely scenario, but I’m just trying to make a point. And my point is that it’s only a matter of time before “holidays” start to conflict. I don’t know if there is, but there could be a whole week called National Vegan Week. And what if somehow National Cheeseburger Day landed smack dab in the middle of that week? Side, yet in the middle note: I mean, let’s be honest, the vegans (vegi?) don’t need a whole week to be extra vegan. But, this is America and we like to over indulge even if it is healthy. But I digress. So, this National Cheeseburger Day would cause quite a quandary. I mean, a cheeseburger is still a cheeseburger even if it’s slapped between two vegan buns (oddly perverted). Am I right? Therefore National Cheeseburger Day would have to be moved or it would have to be replaced by National Vegan Burger Day; which would be quite redundant, excessive and absolutely disgusting. However, we might as well keep it all together and get it out of the way in a solid vegan lump crap cake of a week.

I mean, really, anything could happen. The National Gay Day (a day that celebrates happiness) could conflict with Gay and Lesbian Pride Month (a month that celebrates homosexuality). They would conflict regardless of their proximity to each other on the calendar. It would become a battle of who is the gayest. And the last thing we need in America is the gay happy people feuding with the gay, gay people. Am I right? (Note: This was just an example. I have nothing against the gays. I am gay-happy for the gays).

There is a very good possibility that you could take any inanimate object, put it in between the words “National” and “Day” and make it a legitimate day that people observe. You could make it a week or a month if you’re a greedy bastard or if it’s actually important. Take (let me pick out the first thing that I see on my desk) jelly for instance. I could say, “Jelly is very important not only to I, but to grapes, America and jelly lovers alike.” Let’s just say it gets approved, mandated and it becomes a “day”. Great, perfect, we’ll declare it National Jelly Day. But, you know there will be anti-National Jelly Day extremists. Some people will hate National Jelly Day and everything that it stands for. Some people will envy National Jelly Day and will bring up valid and interesting questions like, “How come there isn’t a National Jam Day or a National Preserves Day?” Then someone will suggest that we turn National Jelly Day into National Jelly, Jam, Preserves Day or National Fruit Spreads Day. The people aren’t going to like that one bit. I mean, you can’t lump all forms of contraception together and say they’re all effective on everyone. This is America. It was promised and written somewhere that we can spread our jelly, jam, or preserves on any kind of bread that we want: White, wheat, rye, pumpernickel, you name it (I mean this in both a warped literal sense and a metaphorical sense).

In conclusion, I think we should celebrate life, celebrate it together, and celebrate…one and all. But, we should still guard our borders, keeping out illegal aliens (this includes Canadians), extraterrestrial aliens too because it’s getting a little too crowded and confusing in this modern America.

“The American dream is a golden cheese fondue fountain. And I can't wait to bring home the bacon...so I can dip it...in the cheese.”

-        Paula Dean

Somewhere Between Confidence and Lack Thereof

(Preface/Note: The figure skating reference bears no significance. It’s just the very first thing that came to mind.)

Some people like to promote confidence and reinforce the idea of confidence whether or not they’re actually confident in you or confident in your potential confidence. Someone could say, “Look Guy, you should be confident. You have everything going for you. Now get out there and land that triple axel.” However, they might actually be thinking, “I’m pretty confident that he’s going to land right on his face.”

How do you measure confidence? What’s too much? What’s too little? Where exactly is that comfortable place in between modesty and arrogance? I mean, you don’t want to come off as being semi-confident. Then you’d probably sound something like, “You should watch me figure skate sometime. I mean, if you want. It’s no big deal. I’ve been training my whole life. But, I’m nothing special. I’m mediocre at best. Never mind. You’d probably be wasting your time. No. Come check me out though, maybe.” When you’re semi-confident you just sound like an indecisive, desperate, whiny little bitch. But, you sure as hell don’t want to sound arrogant. You don’t want to say, “Guess who’s great. I am. I’m a real good time. I mean, I’m a real great time. I just landed a triple axel…in bed. Oh!” People don’t respect a guy like that. I mean, how can they? Guys like that put the “erk” in jerk.

I guess when it comes down to it, in life you should wholeheartedly stand by your convictions, your work, and your triple axels. Stand tall before your final bow; even when your partner is on the ground beside you bleeding profusely due to a botched side by side shotgun spin. Assume your well rehearsed stance, hold your head high and know that you are a winner; a confident winner.



- Ryan

Fabrizio's Video Audition

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klo0K8kDoAg

Acceptance Speeches & Music

Interrupted by Music:

I find it interesting that the proper etiquette for nudging people off of a stage while their giving an acceptance speech is to drown them out with music. To be honest, I think it shouldn’t stop there. It should be part of everyday situations.

QUESTIONS & COMMENTS:

INT. HOME – DAY

KEITH is eating yogurt.

KEITH

(Voice over)

This is the best God damn yogurt I’ve ever tasted. I really need to thank someone. Someone needs to know that they’re doing a good job. What’s this?

Keith looks at the yogurt container and it says, “We welcome your questions & comments. 
Please call 1-800-1YOGURT”.

CUT TO:

INT. HOME – DAY

KEITH is on the phone.

KEITH

I can’t say it enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Without this yogurt, I wouldn’t be who I am today. My breakfast wouldn’t be well balanced. I’m going to put you on speaker phone because I can’t eat yogurt and hold the phone at the same time.

Keith puts his phone on speaker and places it on the table.

KEITH

Sometimes I add a little granola to my yogurt; a little nola to my yoag. Do you do anything special with your yogurt? Have you ever tried poking a straw right through the foil and slurping it?

Keith jams a straw into a yogurt and slurps.

KEITH

It’s good.

YOGURT REP

I can’t say that I’ve tried that before. Look, I appreciate the comments, questions and suggestions. However, we’ve been on the line for about an hour and—

KEITH

Can you over dose on this yogurt? Is that possible?

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Yogurt Rep is sitting at his desk with his headset on.

YOGURT REP

I think too much of anything isn’t good for you. And I certainly wouldn’t snort the yogurt.

CUT TO:

INT. HOME – DAY

Keith has yogurt around his nose.

KEITH

Yeah. It’s not as cool as it sounds. If you could hold on for just a little longer. I just have a few more shout outs. I’d like to thank the scientist who came up with the yogurt recipe. And if you could let the CEO know that he’ll always have me as a customer. Oh, and I’d like to thank the factory workers or machines/robots and the people that control the robots. I’ve always wanted to meet a robot. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to—

SOUND OF CLASSICAL MUSIC FADING IN.

KEITH

Okay, okay. I’m running out of time. Can you hear me? It's kind of hard to talk over this music. Hello?

MUSIC GETS LOUDER AND LOUDER, DROWNING KEITH OUT.

OPEN MIC NIGHT:

INT. CAFÉ - NIGHT

NICK & TOM, folk singers, rock out the last five seconds of their set. The crowd claps and cheers.

NICK & TOM

Thank you.

NICK

Thank you so much!

TOM

Thank you so, so much!

Claps and cheers die down.

NICK

I just want to say, we appreciate you guys coming out tonight. We hope you enjoyed yourselves. We sure did. I’d like to take a moment to thank our mothers. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them. I mean that in the literal sense and the other literal sense.

TOM

Literal sensi.

NICK

A double entendre if you will. Our moms conceived us and they drove us here. So, thank you moms.

Tom walks over to Nick’s microphone.

TOM

Yeah, thank you. We love you. Furthermore, I think we should take a moment to thank our managers for landing us this wonderful gig. So…thanks again mom and mom.

NICK

Ditto.

Tom looks at the very back of the room.

TOM

Hey mom. There’s a pretty lady in the front row here. Take a look and tell me if she’s marriage material…What’s that? Yeah, I know. She’s nothing special, but…

Tom looks at the girl.

TOM

I’m sorry. It’s not going to work out between us. Thanks for coming though.

NICK

That’s what she said. I’m just kidding. She never said that.

TOM

Actually, there was that one time when she did say that. Remember?

NICK

Oh right. There was that one time. But I digress. Moving on, I’d like to thank my dogs, Chuck & Bruce, for always giving me constructive criticism and for being my best friends; a man’s best friends…ladies.

TOM

I thought I was your best friend.

NICK

That’s debatable. I’ll have to see what Chuck and Bruce have to say about that. Listen up people; we appreciate you supporting our music. But, now we need you to support us in a different way. There’s a basket going around; much like the kind you’d find in a church. Actually, it is from church. Thank you Father Sebastian.

TOM

Don’t be shy people. And please, no loose change, just dollar bills. It’s going towards a good cause. I got into a bad accident…band accident…a Rock Band accident last week. I was rocking out, probably a little too hard, and I took a mean spill. Plus I think I have arthritis in my right hand. But that might be from something completely unrelated.

NICK

Thanks again folks. Are we forgetting to thank anyone?

TOM

(Counting with his fingers)

We got our moms, the fans…

NICK

The fans, yeah, we got the fans.

TOM

Chuck and Bruce.

NICK

Check.

TOM

No, Chuck.

NICK

No, I was saying check as in “Check, yes, we thanked them.”

TOM

Oh.

MUSIC FADES IN AND CUTS THEM OFF, MUCH LIKE AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

NICK

Whoa! What’s with the music?

TOM

Umm, that’s rather rude. We’re not finished with our speech. Who are these cantankerous beings promoting this, this tomfoolery?

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT INTO A WIDE SHOT REVEALING THE OTHER BAND MEMBERS, JACK & COLLIN, WHO ARE PLAYING THEIR INSTRUMENTS.

JACK

It’s us…the rest of the band, over here, behind you.

COLLIN

Are you guys going to let us speak or…?

NICK

Um.

TOM

Well…I guess that would be acceptable. Sure, why not?

NICK

Sure, why not? Why not? Sure. Go for it.

JACK

I’ll go first.

COLLIN

Wait. Why do you get to go first?

MUSIC FROM THE SPEAKERS FADES IN, DROWNING OUT THE BAND COMPLETELY.

The audience disperses along with the café workers.

FADE OUT: