Inside The Skitcom Lounge with Ryan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdj8iidLtZU&feature=plcp

Questions and Comments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xu7U5Nl3PHw

The Shit Gauger

How does one gauge shit? No, seriously though. How does one gauge shit? People just love throwing around the word "shit". It's commonplace these days to abuse the shit out of the word "shit". How did we get this far and how did everything get so shitty? Here are some examples of what I'm talking about:

1. Holy shit: Every time we drop this load, I'm sure God says to himself, "Now ain't that some shit. Whatchu know 'bout holy shits? You don't know nothin' 'bout my shits!" I mean, I have to side with God on this one. Who are we to say something is holy, let alone "shit". I can see if I walked in on a priest taking a dump. That's probably the holiest kind of shit that we're going to find on Earth. Nope, scratch that. I bet the Pope has the holiest shit on Earth. Oh yeah, thank you God for giving us this wonderful capability.

2. I don't give a shit: Of course I don't give a shit. That's just disgusting. Who gives shits? And if you feel the need to voice how many shits you don't give, don't, just don't okay? Because if you don't give one shit, then I think it's pretty clear that you're not going to give any more shits. "Um, yes, I give two and a half shits about this topic." Thanks for your opinion. Now go wipe the shit  from your metaphorical ass.

3. When shit hits the fan: Why? Why would shit ever have to hit a fan? The expression is referring to ceiling fans by the way. And gravity will not let shit hit fans. But somehow someone in the course of history had to prove gravity wrong. "I'm going to prove gravity wrong. Shit will hit this fan. E=mcTurd...McTurd" ~ Albert Einstein. I mean, shit can hit a floor fan. I don't see why it would ever have to. My main concern is, why are people getting so mad that they shit themselves? That's what the expression is getting at, right? Was there some type of epidemic back in the day called the Great Shit Fan Epidemic of 1893. I mean, how much shit would have to hit the fan for us to know that we're in deep shit?

Mom: Listen up kids, Uncle Milton is coming over for dinner. As you know, he shits when he's mad. So don't piss him off or shit him off and steer clear of fans because, shit might hit them.


Me: Um, mom, I give at least a dozen shits that Uncle Milton is ruining our Hampton Bay fans.

Mom: I don't want to hear your shit.

Me: Yeah, neither do I. But I'll do it just to prove a point.


- Ryan

No. Thank You.

No. Thank You.

http://youtu.be/YxXoVEmM2As

How do you make a movie better?

You replace the two leading actors with Nicholas Cage and Keanu Reeves.

Terrible Accidents

Sometimes people get into terrible accidents. It’s hard to imagine some accidents being so terrible. Here are some examples.

Terrible Accidents:

1.      “Joe got into a terrible finger painting accident.” This is hard to take seriously. What could possibly make this accident so terrible? Well, maybe Joe was driving while finger painting. Then it turns into a finger painting car accident. This sounds a bit more terrible. However, if Joe wasn’t terribly stupid then he wouldn’t have been finger painting while driving. And how old is Joe anyway? Finger painting? Really Joe? Well, maybe Joe is just a little kid. If that’s the case then he sure as hell shouldn’t have been finger painting while driving let alone driving at the age of eight. Let’s just leave out the driving part of it. Ok fine then. One second Joe is finger painting in a class room. Suddenly he spills paint all over the floor. Next thing you know kids are slipping and sliding all over the place, painting with their feet. Painting with their feet? You know, some people would give their right arm just to be able to finger paint one last time. But they can’t because they don’t have any hands. And there goes Joe and the rest of the kiddy abstract expressionists clumsily creating one big masterpiece of shit. Finger painting ain’t no joke. Hmm. The words “it ain’t no joke” basically translates into “it isn’t no joke”. If it “isn’t no joke” then it must be some joke.  So to clarify, finger painting isn’t a joke. So as a side note, only use Ebonics when you have to. Why would you ever have to? Exactly.

2.      “Timmy got into a terrible bird feeding accident.” Really? Yes, really. Funny? No…well, yes. But, bird feeders aren’t intended to be part of a joke. They may appear to be still and non-precarious. But, I tell you what, they are totally precarious; totes-precarious. And dare I say pro-precarious…pro-carious. What some people don’t know is that bird feed conceals pepper which is used to keep squirrels away. And pepper to the eyes is not a good time. Just ask any dirty bird. And by dirty bird I mean pervert. Sometimes you can take pepper to the eyes just by being in close proximity to a dirty bird. In this instance I’m talking about actual dirty birds of the foul, fowl flying type. Timmy thought he could score some free sunflower seeds from a bird feeder. That’s right; Timmy didn’t want to buy his own sunflower seeds and go through the tedious process of breaking the shells and retrieving the seeds. Well, to make a short story longer, Timmy went bobbing for seeds, got some pepper in his eyes, freaked out, ran out into the street, caused a car to crash into a tree (the driver may or may not have been finger painting) which then caused a bee hive to fall out of the tree onto Timmy; covering him with honey. Blinded, Timmy ran right into the bird feeder which covered him with seeds. Suddenly, the birds from the scathed tree flew out and attacked Timmy. Oh well. What can you do? It was just another one of those crazy, terrible bird feeding accidents.

- Ryan

Oh, I can't complain. Really.

INT. BREAK ROOM - DAY

ED is sitting in the break room by himself. He's enjoying some yogurt. JOE walks in and fixes himself a cup of coffee.

JOE

Hey man. What’s worse than small talk? Riddle me that.

ED

(Unenthusiastic)

I don’t know. Tell me. Please (under his breath).

JOE

Too much talky.

ED
You don’t say.

JOE

I do say. Some people just want to tell you their life story. But no one really cares. Sometimes I just want to say, “Shut the hell up and stop whining. Your life isn’t that bad and more importantly it’s not that significant.” No matter how good people have it, they still manage to find things to complain about.

ED

True. Well, do you ever tell them how you feel?

JOE

No.

ED

Well, I think you should. Because how else are they going to know?

JOE

You know what? You’re right…I should tell them. They should know.

Ed gets up, throws away his yogurt container, heads for the doorway, stops and turns around.

ED

Hey. What’s worse than hearing someone complain? Riddle me that.

JOE

Hmm. I don’t know. What?

ED

Hearing someone complain about people complaining.

Joe laughs and nods his head.

JOE

True, very true. It’s kind of ironic if you think about it.

Joe continues laughign. Ed smirks.

ED

Yeah. I’ll talk about you, I mean talk to you later.

Ed exits. Joe sips his coffee and looks at a newspaper.

JOE

People complaining about people complaining. Idiots.

(PAUSE)

JOE

Wait a second...Hey!