Friday, June 30, 2017
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Thinkpad June 14, 2017
1. It's unsettling when you have to take an Active Shooter class. But, it's even more unsettling when the instructor tells you, "A pen is a good weapon. And if it comes down to it, stab the shooter in his jugular." What!? Sheeeeit, I ain't Jason mutha fuckin' Bourne, mutha fucka. I think I'd be better off writing him a letter. "Dear Shooter. What can I say? Ummm, please don't shoot me. So...how's it going? How's work been treatin' ya? It's almost lunch time. Ever eat at Taco Bell? Their Cheesy Gordita Crunch is bangin'. Shit, I didn't mean to say bangin'. It's so bomb though. Fuck. I mean, it's very appetizing." At any rate, if anything ever happens...I'll be ready.
3. At some point, somewhere, a kid had a problem with eating clothes. "Billy's always chewing through his t-shirts," they would say. So, to help out, the town confectioner created cotton...candy. Then one day someone said, "Damn, Billy. Quit eating your shoe laces." So, the town confectioner created shoe strings made out of licorice. And then, one day, the mayor shouted, "All of the townswomen are missing their...underwear. Where the hell is Billy?" Then the town confectioner exclaimed, "There's no fucking way I'm making edible panties!" But, as you know...he sure as shit did.
4. People hate to admit when they're getting older. I don't mind getting older. However, I do hate when I realize that I'm turning into my father. I hope it never gets as bad as this one incident. One day my dad meant to yell out for me, but he said, "Sean! No! Robert! Shit! Erin! Ah! Seamus! No! Ryan!" Sean, Robert, and Erin are my siblings. Seamus is the dog. My dad called out the dog's name before mine. That's fucked up.
5. I'm not racist, but...I was standing at a concession stand and in front of me stood an African-American man and his son who was probably like 7 years old (also African American). They ordered. The little boy got ice cream on a cone. Then he proceeded to sing the ice cream song. You know the one, "I scream. You scream..." Well, he sang, "I scream. You scream...We all yell for soft serve." Ummmm, what? I guess it's safe to say, he'll never be a rapper. The kid can't even finish a simple rhyme. Yikes.
2. In the early years of photography, people generally didn't smile--which made for very somber photographs. Some say people didn't smile because of poor dental hygiene. But, some believe that people didn't smile because of long exposure rates on the cameras which made people reluctant to hold a smile for a long time. Man, can you imagine how sad a dick pic would have looked back then. Very somber. Very somber indeed. This is the reaction of a guy who got his dick pics developed back in the day.
3. At some point, somewhere, a kid had a problem with eating clothes. "Billy's always chewing through his t-shirts," they would say. So, to help out, the town confectioner created cotton...candy. Then one day someone said, "Damn, Billy. Quit eating your shoe laces." So, the town confectioner created shoe strings made out of licorice. And then, one day, the mayor shouted, "All of the townswomen are missing their...underwear. Where the hell is Billy?" Then the town confectioner exclaimed, "There's no fucking way I'm making edible panties!" But, as you know...he sure as shit did.
4. People hate to admit when they're getting older. I don't mind getting older. However, I do hate when I realize that I'm turning into my father. I hope it never gets as bad as this one incident. One day my dad meant to yell out for me, but he said, "Sean! No! Robert! Shit! Erin! Ah! Seamus! No! Ryan!" Sean, Robert, and Erin are my siblings. Seamus is the dog. My dad called out the dog's name before mine. That's fucked up.
5. I'm not racist, but...I was standing at a concession stand and in front of me stood an African-American man and his son who was probably like 7 years old (also African American). They ordered. The little boy got ice cream on a cone. Then he proceeded to sing the ice cream song. You know the one, "I scream. You scream..." Well, he sang, "I scream. You scream...We all yell for soft serve." Ummmm, what? I guess it's safe to say, he'll never be a rapper. The kid can't even finish a simple rhyme. Yikes.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Thinkpad June 8, 2017
1. Those Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercials are pretty ridiculous. But, now he thinks he can just chill in the back seat. Which begs the question, "Who the fuck is driving the car!?"
2. The other day someone asked me, "Whatchu 'bout to eat?" I said, "I'm about to eat a cheese stick." He was like, "You're going to eat a cheese dick?" And I said, "No. I said cheese dick. Shit!" He had me convinced that I was about to eat a cheese dick. "That's it, I'm switching to Babybel."
3. One time I was watching people run in a marathon. Then I thought to myself, "This would be so much more interesting if they were all wearing clown shoes."
4. Post-it Notes come in handy when you have to label your...Post-it Notes.
5. When you're wealthy, you drink fine wine with your girl at a fancy art gallery. When you're poor, you drink Boone's Farm with your girl, beside the railroad tracks and wait for a train to go by.
GIRL
I wonder what this artist is trying to say here?
GUY
It's graffiti. It literally says what it's trying to say. It says Deez Nutz. Don't read too much into it. Now, pass me the bottle.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Legal Pad
I write all of my thoughts and jokes on a legal pad. I just hope no one ever takes legal advice from it. Excerpt from 10/21/2013:
Thought #147: I think it's okay to rob a bank, if you trick the teller into giving you the money.
Thought #147: I think it's okay to rob a bank, if you trick the teller into giving you the money.
TELLER
How can I help you today?
ROBBER
(Taunting)
You won't give me all that money behind the counter.
TELLER
Um......That is correct.
ROBBER
Pfft. Rosalita was right...You are a little bitch.
TELLER
Rosalita? The branch manager? She said that?
ROBBER
Yup. Are you really surprised?
TELLER
Rosalita.....She's the little bitch.
ROBBER
Whoa! Hey guy! That's derogatory.
TELLER
I know. I'm sorry. I just can't believe she said that.
(PAUSE)
ROBBER
(Taunting)
You won't give me all that money behind the counter.
TELLER
Oh yeah?
ROBBER
Uh-huh.
TELLER
Well...you're right.
ROBBER
Pfft. Kenneth was right...You are a pussy vag.
TELLER
Kenneth? The loan officer? Pussy vag? Pussy vag...that's just redundant.
ROBBER
Does that surprise you? Kenneth has two N's in his name...One would have sufficed.
TELLER
Very true. Has anyone else said anything about me?
ROBBER
Well, Marybeth thinks you're a slob.
TELLER
I spilled coffee on my shirt one time!
ROBBER
Stu thinks you're too nice, which inevitably makes you everyone's little bitch. And you don't stick up for yourself which makes you a pussy vag. So, Stu thinks you're a really nice, little bitch, pussy vag.
TELLER
God damn it!
ROBBER
Oh, and I heard they're going to fire you.
TELLER
What the fuck!? Who did you hear that from?
ROBBER
I overheard Rosalita telling Stu...who was also telling Kenneth, Marybeth and Chuck.
TELLER
Who the fuck is Chuck?
ROBBER
Oh, he's the guy that's taking your position.
TELLER
That's it! I'll show them! Here, take all the money behind the counter! Go! Go! Go!
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Appreciation for Self-Deprecation
When I was a kid, I was little...a little bitch. And now, I'm a big bitch. By the way, going from little to big is usually a good thing. For instance, "When I was young, I played little league baseball. I kept at it. And today I'm in the big leagues...When I was young, I had a little dick. And today, it's slightly bigger." But no, it's quite different when it comes to being a bitch. I'm such an easy target because of that fact. That's why I try to beat people to the punch, and make fun of myself first. But, it doesn't always work out.
One day I was outside with a friend, enjoying the fresh air. The sun was beating on my face. I took a deep breath, smiled, and said, "Now, this is what life's about." Then suddenly a bird swooped down and almost hit me. And I shouted, "Ouch!" The bird didn't even touch me. I wasn't even hurt. But, I shouted, "Ouch!" I did one of those moves where you turn, arch your back, and put your hands up like you're afraid to touch something cacky. Side note: Not khaki, as in the color. I have a pair of khaki pants. I'm not afraid to touch them. If I was, I probably wouldn't wear pants to work. Side note deux: If I was ever in the military and I had to go into battle. You bet your ass I'd be running through a field, shouting, "Ouuuuuuuuuuuuu...ch!" So, after I almost got assaulted by a bird (Not the penis type--but, the flying type. And if your penis does have wings and can take flight, then shit, that's fucked up.) So, after I almost got impaled by a bird, I quickly said, "If I was a flower, I'd be a pansy. Ha!" Then my friend said, "Nah...You'd be one of those little flowers on a pussy willow." And I said, "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit. Yeah I would." Mothafucka took me out with that horticultural shit.
One day I was outside with a friend, enjoying the fresh air. The sun was beating on my face. I took a deep breath, smiled, and said, "Now, this is what life's about." Then suddenly a bird swooped down and almost hit me. And I shouted, "Ouch!" The bird didn't even touch me. I wasn't even hurt. But, I shouted, "Ouch!" I did one of those moves where you turn, arch your back, and put your hands up like you're afraid to touch something cacky. Side note: Not khaki, as in the color. I have a pair of khaki pants. I'm not afraid to touch them. If I was, I probably wouldn't wear pants to work. Side note deux: If I was ever in the military and I had to go into battle. You bet your ass I'd be running through a field, shouting, "Ouuuuuuuuuuuuu...ch!" So, after I almost got assaulted by a bird (Not the penis type--but, the flying type. And if your penis does have wings and can take flight, then shit, that's fucked up.) So, after I almost got impaled by a bird, I quickly said, "If I was a flower, I'd be a pansy. Ha!" Then my friend said, "Nah...You'd be one of those little flowers on a pussy willow." And I said, "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit. Yeah I would." Mothafucka took me out with that horticultural shit.
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Childhood Memories
The Truth Hurts:
When I was a kid, I got punched in the nose and nearly bled to death. Okay, maybe I didn't really, nearly bleed, to death. But, I did bleed a lot--like a crazy amount of blood. Anywho, I can't really feel sorry for myself because I sort of deserved it. I talked some serious shit on this kid, and he walked up to me and punched me clean in the schnoz. However, that's not how my older brother remembers it. My older brother says to me, "That's not how I remember it. Here's how it really went down. You talked some serious shit on this kid. He walked up to you. Then he proceeded to do a karate warm-up/exercise, which lasted like 5 minutes, enough time for you to do something, like, step back, put your hands up, or I don't know, run the fuck away? But no, you just stood there...mesmerized by his Kung Fu. Then he punched the shit out of your face." It was kind of ironic, because once again I just stood there, but instead taking verbal abuse this time. Bewildered and frustrated by his recollection, all I could muster up was, "Um...no. That's not how I remember it!" Then I ran off like a little bitch.
Town Patrol:
When I was a kid, my older brother, two cousins Jenna and AJ and I formed our very own law enforcement called, Kid Cops. We even had our own catch phrase. While riding down the suburban streets on our Huffy's, we'd shout, "Kid Cops motherfucker!" (Sometimes at the most inappropriate moments) For instance, we rode by Mrs. Dutch while she was out in her garden on a beautiful day. Mrs. Dutch said, "Good morning kids!" And we responded with, "Kid Cops motherfucker!" I mean, she had to know who we were and that we were well respected in the community. Sure, we were just kids. But, we were also just cops, doing our job. Some might say we were "pretend cops". But hey, it sure felt real. The truth is though, we didn't do any good in our town. Actually, we just ran amuck and used an obscene amount of profanity--and brought zero joy and not one bit of justice to anyone. The great thing was that we were just kids and we couldn't be held accountable for our actions, legally. Because we were just in elementary school for Christ's sake. We sure did have fun though. Man, those were the days. Kid Cops forever......motherfucker!
When I was a kid, I got punched in the nose and nearly bled to death. Okay, maybe I didn't really, nearly bleed, to death. But, I did bleed a lot--like a crazy amount of blood. Anywho, I can't really feel sorry for myself because I sort of deserved it. I talked some serious shit on this kid, and he walked up to me and punched me clean in the schnoz. However, that's not how my older brother remembers it. My older brother says to me, "That's not how I remember it. Here's how it really went down. You talked some serious shit on this kid. He walked up to you. Then he proceeded to do a karate warm-up/exercise, which lasted like 5 minutes, enough time for you to do something, like, step back, put your hands up, or I don't know, run the fuck away? But no, you just stood there...mesmerized by his Kung Fu. Then he punched the shit out of your face." It was kind of ironic, because once again I just stood there, but instead taking verbal abuse this time. Bewildered and frustrated by his recollection, all I could muster up was, "Um...no. That's not how I remember it!" Then I ran off like a little bitch.
Town Patrol:
When I was a kid, my older brother, two cousins Jenna and AJ and I formed our very own law enforcement called, Kid Cops. We even had our own catch phrase. While riding down the suburban streets on our Huffy's, we'd shout, "Kid Cops motherfucker!" (Sometimes at the most inappropriate moments) For instance, we rode by Mrs. Dutch while she was out in her garden on a beautiful day. Mrs. Dutch said, "Good morning kids!" And we responded with, "Kid Cops motherfucker!" I mean, she had to know who we were and that we were well respected in the community. Sure, we were just kids. But, we were also just cops, doing our job. Some might say we were "pretend cops". But hey, it sure felt real. The truth is though, we didn't do any good in our town. Actually, we just ran amuck and used an obscene amount of profanity--and brought zero joy and not one bit of justice to anyone. The great thing was that we were just kids and we couldn't be held accountable for our actions, legally. Because we were just in elementary school for Christ's sake. We sure did have fun though. Man, those were the days. Kid Cops forever......motherfucker!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)