I Think I Get It Now

        I think I understand pessimistic people now. Whenever they experience some type of pain, they immediately have a diagnosis for it. It’s like they want it to be worse than it could be. It’s like they’re looking forward to it. It’s like they’re just dying to be right. Whenever I experienced some kind of pain I would say, “Oh it’s probably nothing. It’ll probably go away.” In most cases I was right. I always thought it had something to do with a negative or hopeful state of mind. But, no, that’s not it. Quite recently I learned that I hate my job. Then I started experiencing pain in my right wrist. “Hmm, could this be arthritis? Ew (the excited kind of ew), maybe it’s carpal tunnel syndrome! I believe you can get surgery for that, and who knows how long I’d be out of work (hopefully forever),” I whispered. Okay, let’s pros and cons the shit out of this mother lover.

Pros & Cons of surgery on right hand and recovering on Workers’ compensation:

Pros:

-        I won’t be spending my days doing boring, monotonous work.

-        I’ll have time to work on things I’m passionate about.

-        I won’t feel like a useless zombie at the end of the day—a zombie who doesn’t want to eat brains, a zombie who especially doesn’t want to eat brains. I don’t want to eat brains.

-        Some of my soul might be restored.

-        I’ll be happier.

-        I’ll be living the proverbial dream.

Cons:

-        I’ll have to use my left hand to wipe my ass.

Hmm. The pros severely outweigh the con. Well, it looks like I’m going to have to wipe my ass with my left hand. I guess I should practice. Excuse me. I’m going to get started.