Squirrels be like

       One day I brought a ham and cheese sandwich to work. When I got to the break room, I checked my bag and my sandwich was missing. Where in the hell could it be? I informed the authorities, being the sheriff officers who worked in the building. But, they just looked at me like I was crazy. I said, "There's a ham and cheese sandwich missing. And you're not going to do anything about it? I guess I'll have to go at this alone. I just hope it's not lost forever or even worse, half eaten...If it was a donut, you'd give a shit!" (I shouted that last part from a distance, then took off running).

        So, I decided to do some backtracking, which was extremely hazardous, because I had to walk backwards the entire time." I got to the parking lot and suddenly I heard a certain sound, like, the sound of a sandwich in a Ziploc bag that just got stepped on. "Son of a bitch!" It must have fallen out of my bag when I got out of my car. Well, it's not like I still could have eaten it. It's been sitting on this asphalt for quite some time. So, I picked up the sandwich and threw it in the trash can right outside of the building.

        The next day I went to work and the sheriff officers were laughing. 

"Hey, I think I found your sandwich," said one of the officers. 

"Impossible! I closed that case yesterday. I found it in the parking lot. Then I threw it away in the trash can outside," I replied. 

"Ohhhh. That makes sense. Because I saw a squirrel on top of the trashcan this morning eating it. Now, picture that."

"I am, and it's a very odd picture. Was he holding it like you and I would?"

"Yeah. If he wasn't sitting on top of the trash can, and wasn't being all squirrel-like, then I would have thought, "Hey, now there's a guy enjoying a sandwich.""

"I guess I'm just a little flabbergasted. I thought squirrels only ate nuts. I can see if it was a PB & J, because of the peanuts. But no, this was a fucking ham and cheese fucking sandwich. I mean, where do we go from here? So now squirrels are just hanging around eating second hand sandwiches?"

"It appears so. At least it didn't go to waste."

"That's true. And I guess if I ever see someone trying to lure 
a squirrel in with a nut, I can say, "You're doing it all wrong! Here, try this ham and cheese sandwich."