Appropriate Inappropriateness

I'm not a big fan of filmmakers using inappropriateness just for the sake of being inappropriate. However, sometimes inappropriateness is super appropriate. It can add a much needed shock value to your shabby script. It will make your film unshabby...without shab…shabless. I often find that filmmakers miss their mark when trying to convey certain emotions on screen. They think that extreme means beating something into the ground like beating a dead horse; literally. Why beat a dead horse? Why beat a horse at all? This film has nothing to do with horses. But hey, let’s beat a dead horse anyway (much like this rant about beating dead horses). There’s something respectable about being subtle; like beating around the bush. I mean, how big can the bush be, really? You’ll eventually make it around and everything will come full circle like a Quentin Tarantino film. However, I wouldn’t suggest beating a dead horse around a bush. That’s just unnecessary and really time consuming. Moreover, nothing good will ever come from killing two birds with one stone. Sure, you could achieve success and popularity. And, they might even build a statue of you and present it in the town square. However, one day a flock of birds will fly over your statue and shame the memory of you with their shit. If only these so called filmmakers would come to me before shitting on their own films (not in the literal sense, but hey, I don't know what people do on their free time).

Utilizing Appropriate Inappropriateness in Film:

 Some films rely heavily on long choreographed fight scenes. But they're usually too milk toast (extremely mild) for my taste. Sure, any movie can showcase two jacked dudes doing some fancy dance kung fu. However, it gets to a point where it's hard to differentiate the Asian man from, well, the other Asian man. In other words, combat in film is pretty mundane and is in dire need of a revolution. That’s where I come in. Let’s just say (for the sake of proving my superiority) a standard cinema fight consists of two dudes (a hero and a villain) fighting in the middle of Times Square. Yeah, I know, it’s pretty typical. Now let me propose my film (which is just an example, something I came up with on the fly, but really, really awesome).

Film name: Citizen Flak (working title).

Premise: The main character’s name is Flak (because he takes flak from everyone). He’s a 6’5”, muscular orderly that works at a senior home. He’s the kindest, gentlest man with a parted haircut (the kind he’s had since he was two years old). He is sort of like Lenny from Of Mice and Men, but he’s really intelligent and doesn’t kill things with his bare hands (or does he?). And that’s just the thing; Flak is incapable of hurting anyone. However, that’s precisely what he’s confronted with at the end of the film; which leads to the final fight scene.

Appropriate Inappropriateness: It becomes apparent that Dr. Sisemen (pronounced Sy-semen) is running illegal tests on all of the senior citizens. There is a pivotal moment where Flak witnesses Dr. Sisemen performing unethical experiments. However, it takes Flak realizing that Dr. Sisemen’s name is “nemesis” spelled backwards for him to do anything about it. In the end Flak has to save his grandfather from being turned into a zombie. The only thing standing between Flak and Dr. Sisemen are twenty crazed senior citizen zombies. Dr. Sisemen says to Flak, “Get the hell out of here Flak and scrub some bed pans.” And Flak replies, “No. I ain’t taking anymore flak from you or anybody else. Did you hear me Dr. Sisemen? No more Flak. The name’s Bob…Call me Bob.” “Okay, Bob. Get the hell out of here and go scrub some bed pans,” replies Dr. Sisemen. Flak conveys a smidgen of anger by ripping off his own shirt. Then he charges at Dr. Sisemen, all the while punching every senior citizen zombie in the brain (in slow motion). In the end Flak saves his grandfather and not to mention the whole world.

As you can see, the inappropriateness of Flak punching the senior citizens in the face is very much appropriate for the story. Furthermore, the character development is undeniably extraordinary and mind-blowing.


- Ryan

Golf

I'd like to start off by saying that whoever invented golf and the terminology of said golf is a huge pervert. Through this brief lesson you should get a better understanding of what I'm talking about. These are actual golf terms mind you.

Golf Terminology

Bump & Run: As the name suggests a bump and run describes a ball which is hit into the air flies towards the target and then 'bumps' into the ground and 'rolls' the rest of the way towards its target (Sounds kind of painful but that's how it is sometimes when you hit it and quit it).

Caddie: Caddies are individuals who are paid to carry your golf clubs around the course for you and who are also able offer advice on how to play the course (Sounds like a fancy name for prostitute to me).

Cavity Back Iron: A cavity back iron is a particular type of iron which has the majority of the club head's weight distributed around its perimeter (Enough said).

Coming Over The Top: Coming over the top is a phrase used to describe the movement of the club as it travels through the downswing and into a right-to-left pathway across the ball (for right handed golfers). Another term sometimes for this movement is the out-to-in blow.

Compression: Compression refers to the squeezing in of a ball when it is impacted by the head of a golf club.

Crossed Over: Crossed over is the term which describes the shaft of a golf club when it is at the top of the backswing and facing towards the right of the target (for right handed golfers).

Cupped Lead Wrist: A cupped lead wrist refers to a backward bend in your lead hand when you strike the ball. The lead hand is the hand which is nearest to the hole once you are set up for your swing.

Duff: To duff is simply to miss or totally mess up a shot.

Explosion Shot (Seems a bit excessive): An explosion shot is a bunker shot which sends an 'explosion' of sand flying through the air (This is what happens when you bone on the beach).

Flex: Flex refers to the amount of bend within the shaft of a golf club.

Forecaddie: A forecaddie is an individual employed by the Committee to indicate the position of balls to players during play and is an outside agency (Sounds like the caddie's pimp).

Front Nine: The first half, or first 9 nines holes, of an 18-hole course (Sounds like a long day of filling holes).

Grip: The grip refers to either the manner in which you hold your club or the rubber covering on the shaft of a club where you place your hands (I think I learned this in high school).

Holed Out: A player is said to 'hole out' when his ball enters the hole

Impediment: An impediment is loose debris around the ball which is obstructing your shot and which can be moved away from your ball.

Laid Off: This occurs when the club shaft is pointing to the left of the target at the top of the backswing (for right-handed golfers).

Lateral Water Hazard: A lateral water hazard is a water hazard or that portion of a water hazard which is situated so that it is impossible, or impracticable, to drop a ball behind the water hazard. All of the ground and water within the margin of a lateral water hazard are considered to be part of the lateral water hazard (Yeah...).

Lay Up: This term refers to a shot which is deliberately intended to fall short of the green in order to avoid getting into trouble (I think this has something to do with a form of contraception).

Lip Out: A lip out occurs when the golf ball travel right up to the hole and teeters on the edge of the cup but, instead of dropping into the hole, rolls back from the hole.

Loose Impediments: Loose impediments are natural objects including leaves, twigs, branches, stones, dung, worms and insects (and the casts and heaps made by them) which are not growing or fixed, solidly embedded or ahering to the ball (I can proudly say that I've never had this problem).

Lost Ball: (It's pretty much what it sounds like).

Nuked Shot: A nuked shot is a shot which is hit far harder and longer than you would normally hit the ball with a particular club.

Nearest Point Of Relief: The nearest point of relief is the reference point used for taking relief without a penalty from interference by an immovable obstruction, an abnormal ground condition or a wrong putting green (It's hard to decipher this description, but I think it has something to do with premature ejaculation).

Provisional Ball: A provisional ball is a ball played for a ball which may be lost outside a water hazard or which may be out of bounds.

Forms of Match Play:

• Single. A match where one player plays against another player (Boring).
• Threesome. A match where one player plays against two other players and where each side plays one ball (Alright. We're getting there).
• Foursome. A match where two players play against two other players and where each side plays one ball (Boom! Now we're talkin').

Penalty Stroke: When playing in a threesome or foursome, penalty strokes do not affect the order of play.

Forms of Stroke Play (Notice how it goes right from individual to a foursome):

• Individual. A competition where every competitor plays as an individual.
• Foursome. A competition where two competitors play as partners and play one ball.

Conclusion:

I'd like to conclude this lesson by saying that I have a little sympathy for Tiger Woods. I mean, the guy spent his whole life being forced to stroke his Strong 1 Wood. When you live your life with the mind-set, get it in the hole, how do you think you would turn out?

- Ryan

Good Will

There's no easy way to get into the film industry or the television industry. I mean, it would help if I knew someone famous like Tom Hanks or Paul Rudd. But, I don't. So, I'll have to find my own way in.

I devised a plan. It involves breaking into NBC studios in New York City. Sure, one could argue, "They have tours there. So, you don't have to break in (sarcastic as shit)." True. But, did a tourist ever become famous by following someone else's tour? No. I'll follow my own lead thank you very much. But I digress. In order to see this plan through, I'm going to have to draw inspiration from one of my favorite films, Good Will Hunting. Then, I'll have to become well versed in the custodial arts, apply that to my method of acting and be the best Will Hunting I can be; a good Will...a great Will...Hunting.

Once I breach the studio walls I'll have to find a dry erase board, erase whatever nonsense is on there, and proceed to write out my feature length script (titled Great Will Hunting, which I just came up with). Then I'll convincingly wax the floors and wait around for an executive, Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon or anyone that will read my script (with the exception of another janitor, unless it's Matt Damon). All of sudden someone will walk up to the dry erase board and say, "Who wrote this?..." Then I'll reply, "I..." Then that someone will continue with, "...because they're fired." And I'll follow up with, "...saw a man with a marker run that way...and he looked like Pauly Shore. In fact I'm certain it was Pauly Shore."

So there you have it. And by the way, I would totally throw Pauly Shore under the bus. Because he's never going to catch another break ever again, unless someone reads my amazing script and thinks that Pauly Shore wrote it. Then I would say, "Touche", find Pauly Shore and become his buddy.


- Ryan

Drink up

To Go Coffee Lids:

Not every place/convenient store has a convenient coffee lid. And that's part of the reason for a To Go Coffee Cup isn't it? It's all about the convenience. But it ends up being an inconvenient convenience. Or a convenient inconvenience. However you want to slice it. Mmm, slice it. That makes me think of pie and pie would go really well with this coffee. Actually, hold the pie. Scratch that, don't even touch it. Put it down if you are holding it. We're talking coffee lids right now. What I'm trying to say is that it's like having a convenient store smack dab in the middle of the ghetto. You'll soon find out that it's not very convenient at all. That's just false advertisement. Convenience with a complimentary bullet in your ass, that's what that is.

Anyway, not all To Go Coffee Cup lids are created equal. Sometimes you get the white lid with the flappy thingy.

The flappy thingy folds back and is supposed to keep the opening open.

And when you decide that you want to cover the opening because you don't want bugs or dust getting in, you should be able to push the flappy thingy back down. But as we all know these lids are full of malfunctions. Sometimes the flap won't work either way: open or closed. So, it'll be stuck there mid-flap.

Therefore you're forced to push the flap back with your finger or your mouth while drinking. Sometimes the flap will be in open mode, seemingly secured to the top of the lid. You pick up the cup and proceed to take a sip. Then, just as you tilt the cup, the flap comes undone and you're stuck with the flap in your mouth and coffee running down your shirt.

Yes. It's true. I am a victim of poorly manufactured lids. I can't show you the damage because it's quite serious. What's a guy to do? Should I go around wearing coffee colored shirts in case I happen to get a shoddy coffee cup lid and spill it on myself? No. Because there are many shades of coffee and I can't commit to just black or creamer. Instead, I'm going to start a movement called Occupy Poorly Manufactured To Go Coffee Cup Lids. We would set up shop outside of a Starbucks. Then we'd get coffee from Dunkin Donuts and stand inside of Starbucks with our Dunkin Donuts coffee cups in hand. The expressions on our faces will convey a, "Do something. You won't." kind of attitude. Actually, that'll be our slogan: Do Something. You won't. And we'll use their free wifi. That'll show 'em.

I started using a stainless steel & plastic travelling coffee cup. It turns out that my new coffee cup took care of business for me. It's the weirdest thing, but I managed to record it on my camera. However, I had to slow it down in order to see what actually happened. Take a look.

I've been thinking

Snoop Dee Oh Double G:

I like to replace Snoop Dogg with any person in any story, TV show, or what have you. It's like a, "What would Snoop Dogg do?" kind of scenario. For instance, when I watch this show called Storage Wars, I don't look at the auctioneer and say, "Wow, he's a fast talker." No, I think to myself, "Wow. Snoop Dogg would do better."

I picture a storage unit (or "locker") opening up and smoke just pouring out. Then, all of a sudden, out from the smoke walks Snoop Dogg. He has a goblet full of gin and juice in one hand and a cane in the other hand; which he had just stolen from the unit moments earlier. The smoke clears which reveals a full out gangster party going on inside of the unit: gangsters and ho's grinding up on each other, forty's being spilled all over, and a guy in the corner grilling up some bbq. It turns out that most of the smoke was coming from the grill and not illegal substances. Some of the folks outside start complaining.

FOLKS
They're ruining everything. I am not bidding on this unit.

An old optimistic guy, GUY 1, chimes in.

GUY 1
I don't know. I have a really good feeling about this one. That chair that these young folks are humping on, appears to be from...the early Elizabethan period. It's definitely post Gothic. And definitely not Jacobean.

Another bidder chimes in.

GUY 2
He's right. That strapwork screams Elizabethan. It has to be worth at least $300,000. 

Snoop Dogg chimes in.

SNOOP DOGG
(astonished)
What the fizzle? It's time to biddzle. We're gonna stizzle the bidizzle at three hundred thousand dizzles.

GUY 1
Um...that's way too high.

SNOOP DOGG
High? You haven't seen high motherf***er. I mean, fizzler.

GUY 2
Five hundred dizzles! Right over here Mr. Dogg.

Snoop Dogg walks over to GUY 2 and back hands him across the face.

SNOOP DOGG
We got five hundred dizzles. "S" "N" double "O" "P"  "D" "O" we have six hundred? Double "G".

GUY 3
Six hundred.

GUY 1
Oh dear God! That man just splooged all over the chair!

GUY 2
Now it's worth nothing.

GUY 3
There's no refurbishing that.

GUY 1
I'm out of here.

GUY 3
Yeah. Me too. This unit is awful.

SNOOP DOGG
No one is leaving until I get my six hundred dizzles!

Snoop Dogg pulls out a gun (an old rifle).

GUY 3
No! Please don't shoot us Mr. Dogg...with that Civil War era rifle.

GUY 1
Actually that's an imitation from the 1950s.

They walk up to Snoop Dogg.

GUY 1
Notice the oak wood. Rifles back then were made primarily from mahogany.

GUY 2
It's true. You'd probably only get like fifty bucks out of this.

SNOOP DOGG
Word? That's enough for me to get high four times. Hey, do you guys want to get fizzled up?

GUY 1
Sure. I always wanted to grind up on a real girl.

GUY 2
Word. I think I spot a pair of Apple Bottom jeans with my crotch on it...$35.00 on ebay.

Snoop Dogg back hands Guy 2 across the face, then they proceed to party.



- Ryan

Merry Christmas!

Mock infomercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jide2bo2dwQ

Elevator Gossip

INT. ELEVATOR (CORPORATE SETTING) - MORNING

The elevator doors open. Two guys, BLANKENSHIP & THOMPSON are standing there. MURPHY A.K.A. "MURPH" enters the elevator. The elevator door shuts.

MURPHY (in a ghetto voice)

What up Blank? What up Thomp-Son!?

BLANKENSHIP & THOMPSON (in a ghetto voice)

What up Murph?

MURPHY

Have you guys seen the new guy yet?

BLANKENSHIP

Who? Todd?

MURPHY

Yeah. That's the guy. Todd. Mr. my last name is too friggin difficult to pronounce, so people have to call me by my first name.

THOMPSON

Yeah. What a loser.

MURPHY (Mocking tone)

Look at me. Look at me. I'm the new guy. I have no friends

BLANKENSHIP

He's a sorry excuse for a human being.

All three guys laugh. The elevator doors open. TODD enters the elevator.

BLANKENSHIP, THOMPSON, & MURPH (Excited)

Yo! What up Todd?!

MURPH (Stoked)

Aha! My man!

TODD (Super stoked)

What up boys?!

THOMPSON

This is my stop. I'll catch you guys on the flip flop.

MURPH

Oh snap! No he didn't. You should be a rapper Thomp-Son! T-Son!

Thompson throws up a peace sign. The elevator doors closes.

MURPH

What an idiot.

BLANKENSHIP

He definitely shouldn't be a rapper. Yah mean? Boy just can't spit it.

TODD

I know. It's only my second day here and I already can't stand him. Mostly his face.

MURPH

Yeah. He scares off all the honies. We should make him take the stairs.

The elevator doors open. PEREZ enters the elevator.

BLANKENSHIP

What up P-Rez?

PEREZ

Chillin'.

Blankenship exits the elevator.

BLANKENSHIP

See you guys later. We'll do lunch. Who's up for enchiladas. P-Rez?

PEREZ

You know it!

MURPH

Alright dog. Hit us up.

TODD

Yeah man. Extension 3-4-3-6! (Holding up numbers like a gang sign)

BLANKENSHIP

Word!

The elevator doors close.

PEREZ

Racist son of a bitch. I'd like to travel back in time, right before his mom decided to concieve him, and slap her in the face with an enchilada.

TODD

I feel you man. But, I'm pretty sure that would have just provoked her. And today you'd have yourself a happy little accident named Blankenship. So, save your platonium.

MURPH

And yo, I ain't goin' to lunch with him. He never pays. And, he uses Bed Bath & Beyond coupons at the strip club.

PEREZ

He should know damn well that strippers ain't shoppin' at no B. B. & B.

MURPH

Hey Todd. Who's extension did you give him?

TODD

Thompson's.

MURPH

Nice!

The elevator doors open. Smith enters the elevator.

MURPH

What up Aero-Smiff?! My man!

Murph exits the elevator and stops the door from closing.

SMITH

Haha. There ain't gonna be any love in this elevator. That's for sure. Where are all the women at?

TODD

Thompson scared them off.

SMITH

He should take the stairs. Like, for real.

MURPH

Haha. Word. Hey, do you guys want to come to my office and do some double shots of espresso and YouTube it up? Just get crazy with it.

PEREZ

No dice my man.

SMITH

No can do. Todd and I have a meeting with the boss in like ten minutes.

MURPH

Oh. Ok. Aha! It's all good. We on for lunch?

TODD, PEREZ, SMITH

You know it.

MURPH

Aha! My dogs! (BARKING NOISES) Peace.

The elevator door closes.

(PAUSE)

TODD

What a friggin tool! Can I just say that?

PEREZ

If you didn't, I was. He should get a life.

SMITH

Yeah. He should have take the stairs. And if I have to hear one more Aerosmith or Will Smith reference, I'm gonna lose it. I wasn't West Philadelphia born and raised! I just wasn't!

The elevator doors open. Murphy is standing there. He looks pissed off.

SMITH

Murph! Murphy Brown. My man! What's shakin'...?

MURPH

Don't. Just don't. I heard everything. I forgot I had to go up to HR.

Murphy slowly walks into the elevator. The doors close. It's completely silent. Smith looks sympathetic.

SMITH

...West Philadelphia born and raised.

PEREZ

...On the playground is where I spent most of my days.

TODD

...Chilling out maxing relaxing all cool.

Murph smiles.

MURPH

And shooting some b-ball outside of the school.

They all harmonize together and sing the rest of the song.

SMITH

Look man. We're sorry. We didn't mean any of what we said about you.

MURPH

Apology accepted. Group bro hug?

SMITH, PEREZ, TODD

You bet.

They all hug. Then the elevator door opens. It's Cindy, an attractive brunette who they all fancy.

CINDY

Umm. I'll take the stairs.

MURPH, TODD, SMITH, PEREZ

No, no, no! Don't go, don't go!

The elevator doors starts closing.

MURPH

It's just a group bro hug! No big deal!

The elevator door closes.

FADE OUT: