I've been thinking

Snoop Dee Oh Double G:

I like to replace Snoop Dogg with any person in any story, TV show, or what have you. It's like a, "What would Snoop Dogg do?" kind of scenario. For instance, when I watch this show called Storage Wars, I don't look at the auctioneer and say, "Wow, he's a fast talker." No, I think to myself, "Wow. Snoop Dogg would do better."

I picture a storage unit (or "locker") opening up and smoke just pouring out. Then, all of a sudden, out from the smoke walks Snoop Dogg. He has a goblet full of gin and juice in one hand and a cane in the other hand; which he had just stolen from the unit moments earlier. The smoke clears which reveals a full out gangster party going on inside of the unit: gangsters and ho's grinding up on each other, forty's being spilled all over, and a guy in the corner grilling up some bbq. It turns out that most of the smoke was coming from the grill and not illegal substances. Some of the folks outside start complaining.

FOLKS
They're ruining everything. I am not bidding on this unit.

An old optimistic guy, GUY 1, chimes in.

GUY 1
I don't know. I have a really good feeling about this one. That chair that these young folks are humping on, appears to be from...the early Elizabethan period. It's definitely post Gothic. And definitely not Jacobean.

Another bidder chimes in.

GUY 2
He's right. That strapwork screams Elizabethan. It has to be worth at least $300,000. 

Snoop Dogg chimes in.

SNOOP DOGG
(astonished)
What the fizzle? It's time to biddzle. We're gonna stizzle the bidizzle at three hundred thousand dizzles.

GUY 1
Um...that's way too high.

SNOOP DOGG
High? You haven't seen high motherf***er. I mean, fizzler.

GUY 2
Five hundred dizzles! Right over here Mr. Dogg.

Snoop Dogg walks over to GUY 2 and back hands him across the face.

SNOOP DOGG
We got five hundred dizzles. "S" "N" double "O" "P"  "D" "O" we have six hundred? Double "G".

GUY 3
Six hundred.

GUY 1
Oh dear God! That man just splooged all over the chair!

GUY 2
Now it's worth nothing.

GUY 3
There's no refurbishing that.

GUY 1
I'm out of here.

GUY 3
Yeah. Me too. This unit is awful.

SNOOP DOGG
No one is leaving until I get my six hundred dizzles!

Snoop Dogg pulls out a gun (an old rifle).

GUY 3
No! Please don't shoot us Mr. Dogg...with that Civil War era rifle.

GUY 1
Actually that's an imitation from the 1950s.

They walk up to Snoop Dogg.

GUY 1
Notice the oak wood. Rifles back then were made primarily from mahogany.

GUY 2
It's true. You'd probably only get like fifty bucks out of this.

SNOOP DOGG
Word? That's enough for me to get high four times. Hey, do you guys want to get fizzled up?

GUY 1
Sure. I always wanted to grind up on a real girl.

GUY 2
Word. I think I spot a pair of Apple Bottom jeans with my crotch on it...$35.00 on ebay.

Snoop Dogg back hands Guy 2 across the face, then they proceed to party.



- Ryan

Merry Christmas!

Mock infomercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jide2bo2dwQ

Elevator Gossip

INT. ELEVATOR (CORPORATE SETTING) - MORNING

The elevator doors open. Two guys, BLANKENSHIP & THOMPSON are standing there. MURPHY A.K.A. "MURPH" enters the elevator. The elevator door shuts.

MURPHY (in a ghetto voice)

What up Blank? What up Thomp-Son!?

BLANKENSHIP & THOMPSON (in a ghetto voice)

What up Murph?

MURPHY

Have you guys seen the new guy yet?

BLANKENSHIP

Who? Todd?

MURPHY

Yeah. That's the guy. Todd. Mr. my last name is too friggin difficult to pronounce, so people have to call me by my first name.

THOMPSON

Yeah. What a loser.

MURPHY (Mocking tone)

Look at me. Look at me. I'm the new guy. I have no friends

BLANKENSHIP

He's a sorry excuse for a human being.

All three guys laugh. The elevator doors open. TODD enters the elevator.

BLANKENSHIP, THOMPSON, & MURPH (Excited)

Yo! What up Todd?!

MURPH (Stoked)

Aha! My man!

TODD (Super stoked)

What up boys?!

THOMPSON

This is my stop. I'll catch you guys on the flip flop.

MURPH

Oh snap! No he didn't. You should be a rapper Thomp-Son! T-Son!

Thompson throws up a peace sign. The elevator doors closes.

MURPH

What an idiot.

BLANKENSHIP

He definitely shouldn't be a rapper. Yah mean? Boy just can't spit it.

TODD

I know. It's only my second day here and I already can't stand him. Mostly his face.

MURPH

Yeah. He scares off all the honies. We should make him take the stairs.

The elevator doors open. PEREZ enters the elevator.

BLANKENSHIP

What up P-Rez?

PEREZ

Chillin'.

Blankenship exits the elevator.

BLANKENSHIP

See you guys later. We'll do lunch. Who's up for enchiladas. P-Rez?

PEREZ

You know it!

MURPH

Alright dog. Hit us up.

TODD

Yeah man. Extension 3-4-3-6! (Holding up numbers like a gang sign)

BLANKENSHIP

Word!

The elevator doors close.

PEREZ

Racist son of a bitch. I'd like to travel back in time, right before his mom decided to concieve him, and slap her in the face with an enchilada.

TODD

I feel you man. But, I'm pretty sure that would have just provoked her. And today you'd have yourself a happy little accident named Blankenship. So, save your platonium.

MURPH

And yo, I ain't goin' to lunch with him. He never pays. And, he uses Bed Bath & Beyond coupons at the strip club.

PEREZ

He should know damn well that strippers ain't shoppin' at no B. B. & B.

MURPH

Hey Todd. Who's extension did you give him?

TODD

Thompson's.

MURPH

Nice!

The elevator doors open. Smith enters the elevator.

MURPH

What up Aero-Smiff?! My man!

Murph exits the elevator and stops the door from closing.

SMITH

Haha. There ain't gonna be any love in this elevator. That's for sure. Where are all the women at?

TODD

Thompson scared them off.

SMITH

He should take the stairs. Like, for real.

MURPH

Haha. Word. Hey, do you guys want to come to my office and do some double shots of espresso and YouTube it up? Just get crazy with it.

PEREZ

No dice my man.

SMITH

No can do. Todd and I have a meeting with the boss in like ten minutes.

MURPH

Oh. Ok. Aha! It's all good. We on for lunch?

TODD, PEREZ, SMITH

You know it.

MURPH

Aha! My dogs! (BARKING NOISES) Peace.

The elevator door closes.

(PAUSE)

TODD

What a friggin tool! Can I just say that?

PEREZ

If you didn't, I was. He should get a life.

SMITH

Yeah. He should have take the stairs. And if I have to hear one more Aerosmith or Will Smith reference, I'm gonna lose it. I wasn't West Philadelphia born and raised! I just wasn't!

The elevator doors open. Murphy is standing there. He looks pissed off.

SMITH

Murph! Murphy Brown. My man! What's shakin'...?

MURPH

Don't. Just don't. I heard everything. I forgot I had to go up to HR.

Murphy slowly walks into the elevator. The doors close. It's completely silent. Smith looks sympathetic.

SMITH

...West Philadelphia born and raised.

PEREZ

...On the playground is where I spent most of my days.

TODD

...Chilling out maxing relaxing all cool.

Murph smiles.

MURPH

And shooting some b-ball outside of the school.

They all harmonize together and sing the rest of the song.

SMITH

Look man. We're sorry. We didn't mean any of what we said about you.

MURPH

Apology accepted. Group bro hug?

SMITH, PEREZ, TODD

You bet.

They all hug. Then the elevator door opens. It's Cindy, an attractive brunette who they all fancy.

CINDY

Umm. I'll take the stairs.

MURPH, TODD, SMITH, PEREZ

No, no, no! Don't go, don't go!

The elevator doors starts closing.

MURPH

It's just a group bro hug! No big deal!

The elevator door closes.

FADE OUT:

The word "So"

So

There is a little bit of negativity surrounding the word, "So". Here are five different ways that "So" can be used.

1. So-and-so
2. So-So
3. So...(dot, dot, dot = awkward)
4. So called, blah, blah, blah (replace the blahs with appropriate words)
5. So good (but not really, sarcastic kind of "so")

Here is a scenario that exemplifies what I'm talking about.

1. Interior Comedy Club - Night

Life partners Steve & Robbie are sitting at a little lounge table enjoying Cosmopolitan cocktails. They just got done watching a comedian perform.

STEVE
What did you think of so-and-so?

ROBBIE
I think his name is Doug.

STEVE
Does it really matter?

ROBBIE
Haha. No. I guess not. He was...so-so.

A waiter approaches Steve and Robbie.

WAITER
How's everything?

STEVE & ROBBIE
Super.

WAITER
What did you guys think of Doug?

ROBBIE
He was so--

WAITER (Proud)
He's my brother.

ROBBIE
So good.

STEVE
So, so good.

WAITER
Really? Thanks guys. I'll let him know. Actually, I helped him write some of those jokes.

ROBBIE
You don't say. Well, you should just go right ahead and quit your day job.

WAITER
Haha.

ROBBIE & STEVE
Haha.

(PAUSE)

WAITER (Exuberant)
Really? You think I should? You do. Don't you? You know what, you're right. I should so quit. I'm going to quit right now!

The waiter rips off his apron and runs off.

WAITER
I quit!

STEVE
He so should have kept his job.

ROBBIE
So should have kept it. Now he can run off with his so-called comedian brother and get laughed at for not being so funny.

STEVE
Haha. Yeah. The funniest part of Doug's set was when he froze up and it got really quiet. Then he said, "So..."

ROBBIE
Yeah. That was awkward. I laughed so hard at that.

Belief

Belief is important. Without belief, we have no reason to live. When I was at work, I looked at my desk and found some things that I believe in.


1. I believe in true love. These are a couple of pictures that I have showcased on my desk.

2. I believe in President Barack Obama. And I believe in America.

3. I believe in fresh breath (You're welcome Orbit).

4. I believe in rock n roll and my guitar.

5. I believe in a good moisturizer.

6. I believe in a good bromance. This is my current background on my desktop.

7. I believe in President Barack Obama and America, again.

- Ryan



I wonder

I'm going to preface by saying sometimes we as humans can think of some pretty messed up things. Also, epilepsy is a serious disorder and is nothing to laugh about. Without further ado (let's be honest though, no one can tolerate plain old ado let alone further ado), I present to you a little story that I wrote; well, a story that I'm about to write, right now. It might be sad.

Very Unfortunate Viola

A long time ago in the 1980s, Viola was just a little girl. Sylvia, Viola's mother, had to bring Viola to work with her down town at the Ballroom; because her babysitter a.k.a. father just got locked up. The Ballroom was a nice little erotic discotheque in the heart of a dangerous city. The whole night Sylvia thought that Viola was content just sitting there wide eyed, shaking out of beat to the music. It could have been because of the cocaine debris floating in the air. But no, it was due to the sight of the spinning discoballs which caused Viola to have a seizure. That was the first and last time that Sylvia brought Viola to the discotheque; because of the dangerous disco balls of course.

Later on in life when Viola was a teenager, she met a goth kid named Zachariah. She could relate to his dark interior which mirrored his dark exterior and his eye liner. However, one day Zachariah started going to the technotheque: a techno club. He changed his name to Zak and started dressing in fluorescent colored clothes. Oh, and he dyed his hair a very vibrant coral color. One day Zak asked Viola, "Do you want to see something cool?" Viola replied, "No." But Zak(ariah) showed her anyway. He whipped out two glow sticks and started spinning them around like he was a jester on crack. Viola immediately dropped to the ground and had a seizure. That was the last time Viola saw Zak.

When Viola was in her twenties, she moved to a nice little suburb and started her life over. She met a nice guy named Nick. One night Nick brought Viola to the highest peak in the town. Nick said, "I have something special to show you." Nick reached into his pocket. Viola said, "Dear God no." Nick pulled out a small nautical spyglass telescope and a map. "I mean, dear God, no...one has ever showed me something this special" said Viola. Nick looked into the sky with the telescope. "I had a star named after you. Here, take a look" said Nick. Nick handed Viola the telescope. She looked up into the sky and saw the most beautiful, twinkling star. Then she had a seizure. That was the last time she saw Nick.

One day Viola finally found happiness and true love. Her boyfriend Lionel brought her to a park where they had a picnic. The sky was blue and the sun bursted with joyful little rays of fire and passion. When the time was right Lionel got down on one knee, pulled out a huge sparkling diamond ring and said, "Viola. Will you marry me?" Viola smiled and stared at the sparkling diamond ring. Lionel endured a long and awkward pause. Lionel exclaimed, "Ouch. I think I'm kneeling on a rock. Haha...So...Oh my God! Are you having a seizure?" Viola didn't answer Lionel because yes, she was having a seizure. When Viola came out of it, Lionel was right there by her side. Viola looked up at Lionel and said, "Yes. I'll marry you. Because no discoball, glow stick, shining star, or sparkling diamond ring can stop true love." They kissed long and passionately. Then they lived happily ever after.


Writer's notes: I believe I'm going to hell.


- Ryan

The Weekend Wrap Up

I learned some pretty valuable things over this long but not long enough (that is not what she said) weekend. I'm not going to be stingy with my knowledge. That's why I'm going to share it with the world. Let's get started.

A) It's probably not a good idea to eat a chicken cutlet sandwich & fried pickles after you just busted your ass at the gym. For one, you might find yourself busting your ass in the bathroom afterwards. Hopefully one set, one rep. Secondly, it's just not that healthy. However, those fried pickles were delicious. I think I'll just eat them before I do something active. Perfect. Problem solved.

B) A shot at redemption: So, I bought boxing gloves and tested them out on the punching bag at the gym. I was doing pretty well, showing that bag who the real sensei was. Then, in walked a senior citizen. He was atleast 68 years old. We'll call him Mickie. Mickie said something to me but I couldn't hear him clearly. Mind you, my ears were ringing a little bit because I had just head butted the punching bag. However, I think he said something like, "Give it up" or "Give it a rest". He smiled and I laughed it off. I was wondering what Mickie was doing in the boxing area. Then, he whipped out his hand wraps and wrapped up his hands. And I said to myself, "Check it out. This old timer is going to throw some fists at leather (I'm pretty sure that's the terminology that boxers use). Then he's going to throw out his hip." But right as I was about to say "hip", Mickie walked up to the speed bag and started speed bagging the hell out of that bag; like he was Rocky Balboa. So, what did I do? I started kicking the punching bag like I was Jean Claude Van Damme from his classic film Kickboxer. Then I grabbed my shin and fell to the ground. But I played it off like I was just stretching then turned it into a backwards tumble and stood back up. However, I fell back to the ground because I was still in pain. Then I proceeded to fall, stretch, backward tumble until I made it out of the room. Moral of the story: Don't discriminate against senior citizens...unless you're entirely sure they fit the stereotype. Administer the speed bag test if you have to.

C) I attended a wedding this weekend. I could barely hear the priest (maybe I should get my hearing checked). However, I did hear him make some Three Little Pigs/Big Bad Wolf analogy regarding marriage. I wasn't that impressed with it though. I'm a realist and I think if you can't maintain a stable home because some wolf keeps blowing it down, then you got bigger, badder problems on your hands. Chances are your marriage is just fine. It's the wolf that's the problem. Just get a shotgun and shoot the wolf. Is that animal cruelty? Maybe. But, if the wolf would just get a real job or a hobby then he wouldn't face such scrutiny. I mean, he goes around terrorizing three innocent pigs, a girl with a red hood, and a senior citizen. Next time he's going to mess with the wrong senior citizen like Mickie and get knocked the hell out. Let me get back to the animal cruelty thing. Maybe the BBW (Big Bad Wolf) is justified. Maybe he's just sticking up for the little pigs. Everyone wants to build a stable home for their family. But, you can't just go around turning pigs into carpenters and brick layers. That's just weird. There are practical ways of going about it. Try a real contractor. Moral of the story: Priests shouldn't make terrible analogies, period.(period)


- RyBread