I'm not one to...

The phrase, “I’m not one to…” is usually followed up with something ordinary, something commonplace. For example, “I’m not one to toot my own horn but I make an excellent crème brulee.” Whilst brainstorming, I came up with some different endings to this “I’m not one to…” phrase.

1.      I’m not one to toot my own horn…Okay, I’m lying. I tried it once. It didn’t end well. My doctor says I should refrain from doing any kind of yoga or bowing in karate classes. “I don’t mean any disrespect sensei, but it’s the doctor’s orders.”

2.      I’m not one to beat…a dead horse but if that horse turns into a zombie then I’m going to beat it and/or shoot it.

3.      I’m not one to...rain on someone’s parade, but if it’s an anti-Ryan Coleman parade, then I’m going to find a way to rain on it.

4.      I’m not one to steal…a baby, but I would have totally stolen baby Jesus—giving me the name “Baby Jesus’ Savior”. Bow down to me…only if your doctor says it’s okay.

5.      I’m not one to dunk…my donut into someone else’s coffee, but she is one piping hot cup of java…if you know what I’m saying.

6.      I’m not one to brag…about my nipples, but they’re really hard and really cute looking.

7.      I’m not one to hump a tree but sometimes being a tree hugger isn’t good enough.

8.      I’m not one to promote bath salts but I’m pretty sure America is ready for a zombie outbreak. Zombies are all the rage. There’s nothing trendier than zombies today—nothing.

9.      I’m not one to slap…a senior citizen, but sometimes they need a good slapping. What? Is that wrong? Oh I’m sorry I don’t have the excuse of being over 65. Senior citizens should get slapped around just like everybody else.

10.   I’m not one to finish abrup--