INT. KITCHEN – DAY
LISA walks through the door and places her things on the counter. She looks relieved to be home.
HERB
(VOICE OVER)
Honey?
HERB rushes into the kitchen. He’s sweaty.
LISA
Hey. What’s going on (Concerned)? Why are you sweating (really skeptical)?
HERB
I don’t want you to freak out but—
LISA
Don’t tell me you shit your pants at work and that’s why you’re home early.
HERB
What? Eww. That happened one time…maybe twice. Look, burritos and tickle fights don’t mix well. I know that now.
LISA
You know what else doesn't mix well? Tickle and fights…with your male co-workers. I really worry about you sometimes Herb.
HERB
Well worry no more, because Mitch and Don banned me from tickle fighting. They’re probably just scared that I’m going to win.
LISA
Or maybe they’re mad because you broke the first rule of Tickle Fight Club.
HERB
Don’t talk about Tickle Fight Club?
LISA
No. Don’t shit your pants. Herb, I have two surprises for you.
HERB
I love surprises.
LISA
First surprise, there are no real winners when it comes to tickle fighting. I'm sorry. Second surprise, Mitch and Don are gay. That’s why they don’t want you tickling them anymore. And they’re probably scared that you’ll shit your pants and ruin your new khakis.
HERB
(Baffled)
What? If they’re gay, then you would think they would want me to tickle them.
LISA
They’re gay for each other Herb. There’s no third wheel on a tandem bicycle.
WOMAN’S VOICE FROM LIVING ROOM
Herb, are you coming back? I can’t do this by myself.
LISA
Um honey…who the hell is that?
HERB
That’s Shelly.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
SHELLY, an attractive woman, is putting together a puzzle. She’s wearing revealing clothes.
SHELLY
Hello.
LISA
Who the hell is Shelly and why is she in our house?
HERB
Well… I've been studying polygamy. I don’t want to brag but I’m kind of a connoisseur when it comes to the art of polygamology. I’m what they call a polygoissuer.
LISA
Herb, that’s not even a real thing. Polygamy is not an art. And polygoissuer? Really? That sounds like a dinosaur who needs an excuse to bang other dinosaurs.
HERB
I’ve seen every episode of Sister Wives and Big Love. So, I know a thing or two. Plus, I think someone is forgetting that one drunken night when she agreed to participate in a polygamist experiment.
LISA walks through the door and places her things on the counter. She looks relieved to be home.
HERB
(VOICE OVER)
Honey?
HERB rushes into the kitchen. He’s sweaty.
LISA
Hey. What’s going on (Concerned)? Why are you sweating (really skeptical)?
HERB
I don’t want you to freak out but—
LISA
Don’t tell me you shit your pants at work and that’s why you’re home early.
HERB
What? Eww. That happened one time…maybe twice. Look, burritos and tickle fights don’t mix well. I know that now.
LISA
You know what else doesn't mix well? Tickle and fights…with your male co-workers. I really worry about you sometimes Herb.
HERB
Well worry no more, because Mitch and Don banned me from tickle fighting. They’re probably just scared that I’m going to win.
LISA
Or maybe they’re mad because you broke the first rule of Tickle Fight Club.
HERB
Don’t talk about Tickle Fight Club?
LISA
No. Don’t shit your pants. Herb, I have two surprises for you.
HERB
I love surprises.
LISA
First surprise, there are no real winners when it comes to tickle fighting. I'm sorry. Second surprise, Mitch and Don are gay. That’s why they don’t want you tickling them anymore. And they’re probably scared that you’ll shit your pants and ruin your new khakis.
HERB
(Baffled)
What? If they’re gay, then you would think they would want me to tickle them.
LISA
They’re gay for each other Herb. There’s no third wheel on a tandem bicycle.
WOMAN’S VOICE FROM LIVING ROOM
Herb, are you coming back? I can’t do this by myself.
LISA
Um honey…who the hell is that?
HERB
That’s Shelly.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
SHELLY, an attractive woman, is putting together a puzzle. She’s wearing revealing clothes.
SHELLY
Hello.
LISA
Who the hell is Shelly and why is she in our house?
HERB
Well… I've been studying polygamy. I don’t want to brag but I’m kind of a connoisseur when it comes to the art of polygamology. I’m what they call a polygoissuer.
LISA
Herb, that’s not even a real thing. Polygamy is not an art. And polygoissuer? Really? That sounds like a dinosaur who needs an excuse to bang other dinosaurs.
HERB
I’ve seen every episode of Sister Wives and Big Love. So, I know a thing or two. Plus, I think someone is forgetting that one drunken night when she agreed to participate in a polygamist experiment.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Lisa is hammered drunk. Herb is sober and looking at himself in the mirror.
HERB
(Whispering to himself)
Okay buddy. She's hammered drunk. And you know what that means. Yup. She'll say yes to anything...anything.
Herb turns around.
HERB
Honey. I really want to give polygamy a try.
LISA
Sure.
HERB
Yes!
Herb jumps for joy and runs out of the room.
LISA
(Slurred)
Good luck finding another wife.
Lisa starts gagging, picks up her trash can and throws up in it.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
LISA
I really didn't think you would find someone else to participate in this asinine experiment. But you know what? Screw it. Let's do it.
HERB
Lisa, this is no time for dirty talk. We have a guest.
LISA
No, I mean let's try this polygamy thing out.
HERB
Really?
LISA
Yeah. Why not?
HERB
You're the best!
Herb hugs Lisa. Then he proceeds to help Shelly with the puzzle.
HERB
(To Shelly)
That piece doesn't go there silly goose. You can't just jam it in there if it doesn't belong. Trust me, I know.
LISA
He really does know.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE - NEXT DAY
Herb and Shelly walk through the door with shopping bags in their hands.
HERB
Look, it's not your fault. You just haven't been shopping with the right people. Plus, you have to know when to get your head out of the Crate & Barrel and into Ethan Allen. Am I right?
SHELLY
You're right. You're so right.
Lisa is doing Yoga in the living room with some guy.
HERB
Whoa whoa whoa! Who the hell is this?
LISA
This is Todd. I met him at the gym.
TODD
Hey bro.
LISA
We sort of hit it off. Now he's going to join our little polygamist family.
SHELLY
Aww.
HERB
Lisa, that's not how it works. There are multiple wives, not multiple husbands.
LISA
Oh really?
HERB
Yes, really! I would love to see you try and pull this shit on Bill Paxton.
LISA
Bill Paxton plays a polygamist on TV. He's not one in real life, you bonehead.
HERB
It's not my fault that he acts the crap out of it to the point where I don't know if he's Bill God Damn Hendrickson or Bill God Damn Paxton!
LISA
You wanted this life. Now you got it.
HERB
You're right. Shelly, let's go. I need to find me more wives.
Herb and Shelly exit.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOUSE - A WEEK LATER
Herb and Lisa are eating dinner at the dining room table. They are silent.
WIDE SHOT
The house has been turned into a flop house. There are people everywhere playing games, practicing yoga, having sex, shooting and snorting drugs, and yes, putting puzzles together.
HERB
Things got a little out of hand.
LISA
Yep. They certainly did.
HERB
I think there's a guy over there humping our new couch.
LISA
Yeah. Sorry about that. I met him at Raymour & Flanigan. He seemed nice. And he really knows his couches. It's top of the line.
HERB
Very comfortable. And yes, I guess if you're going to make love to a couch, it might as well be top of the line.
LISA
Like a high class prostitute.
SHELLY
(Voice over)
What?
Shelly comes rushing in from the other room.
HERB
Oh, sorry Shelly. We weren't talking about you.
Shelly exits the room.
HERB
Her profile said high class Protestant. She seemed like a sure thing.
LISA
You have to watch out for those high class Protestants. I'm telling you.
HERB
Yeah.They can be worse than the low class Protestants.
LISA
True. But she's just a confused high class prostitute. So...
SHELLY
(VOICE OVER)
What?
Shelly walks into the room.
HERB
Hey Shelly. We actually were talking about you this time. Can you and Todd do us a favor?
Todd sprints into the room.
TODD
What's up guys? I just finished up some reps.
HERB
Can you do us a favor and kick all of these people out of our house?
TODD
You got it bro.
SHELLY (TO TODD)
You're really fit.
TODD
Well, physical fitness is like my religion.
SHELLY
Oh really? Well, I'm Protestant. But, I'm very flexible.
Todd and Shelly exit the room.
LISA
I guess we were wrong.
HERB
It turns out she's just a slutty Protestant.
LISA
And there ain't nothing wrong with that.
HERB
Amen.
Herb and Lisa give each other a high five.
FADE OUT:
(To Shelly)
That piece doesn't go there silly goose. You can't just jam it in there if it doesn't belong. Trust me, I know.
LISA
He really does know.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE - NEXT DAY
Herb and Shelly walk through the door with shopping bags in their hands.
HERB
Look, it's not your fault. You just haven't been shopping with the right people. Plus, you have to know when to get your head out of the Crate & Barrel and into Ethan Allen. Am I right?
SHELLY
You're right. You're so right.
Lisa is doing Yoga in the living room with some guy.
HERB
Whoa whoa whoa! Who the hell is this?
LISA
This is Todd. I met him at the gym.
TODD
Hey bro.
LISA
We sort of hit it off. Now he's going to join our little polygamist family.
SHELLY
Aww.
HERB
Lisa, that's not how it works. There are multiple wives, not multiple husbands.
LISA
Oh really?
HERB
Yes, really! I would love to see you try and pull this shit on Bill Paxton.
LISA
Bill Paxton plays a polygamist on TV. He's not one in real life, you bonehead.
HERB
It's not my fault that he acts the crap out of it to the point where I don't know if he's Bill God Damn Hendrickson or Bill God Damn Paxton!
LISA
You wanted this life. Now you got it.
HERB
You're right. Shelly, let's go. I need to find me more wives.
Herb and Shelly exit.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOUSE - A WEEK LATER
Herb and Lisa are eating dinner at the dining room table. They are silent.
WIDE SHOT
The house has been turned into a flop house. There are people everywhere playing games, practicing yoga, having sex, shooting and snorting drugs, and yes, putting puzzles together.
HERB
Things got a little out of hand.
LISA
Yep. They certainly did.
HERB
I think there's a guy over there humping our new couch.
LISA
Yeah. Sorry about that. I met him at Raymour & Flanigan. He seemed nice. And he really knows his couches. It's top of the line.
HERB
Very comfortable. And yes, I guess if you're going to make love to a couch, it might as well be top of the line.
LISA
Like a high class prostitute.
SHELLY
(Voice over)
What?
Shelly comes rushing in from the other room.
HERB
Oh, sorry Shelly. We weren't talking about you.
Shelly exits the room.
HERB
Her profile said high class Protestant. She seemed like a sure thing.
LISA
You have to watch out for those high class Protestants. I'm telling you.
HERB
Yeah.They can be worse than the low class Protestants.
LISA
True. But she's just a confused high class prostitute. So...
SHELLY
(VOICE OVER)
What?
Shelly walks into the room.
HERB
Hey Shelly. We actually were talking about you this time. Can you and Todd do us a favor?
Todd sprints into the room.
TODD
What's up guys? I just finished up some reps.
HERB
Can you do us a favor and kick all of these people out of our house?
TODD
You got it bro.
SHELLY (TO TODD)
You're really fit.
TODD
Well, physical fitness is like my religion.
SHELLY
Oh really? Well, I'm Protestant. But, I'm very flexible.
Todd and Shelly exit the room.
LISA
I guess we were wrong.
HERB
It turns out she's just a slutty Protestant.
LISA
And there ain't nothing wrong with that.
HERB
Amen.
Herb and Lisa give each other a high five.
FADE OUT:
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