Thanks. But No Thanks.

I'm onto you customer service people. You can try to talk in code all you want. But you won't diddle me with your polite inappropriateness. You can't just say, "What can I do you for?" and get away with it.........The other day "Steve" walked into an electronics store.

FEMALE GREETER

Hello sir.

STEVE (THINKING TO HIMSELF)

Hmm. Sir. I like that.

FEMALE GREETER

How are you today?

STEVE

I'm great. How are you?

FEMALE GREETER

Swell. What can I do you for?

STEVE

I beg your pardon.

FEMALE GREETER

What can I do you for?

STEVE (OFFENDED)

Do me for? Nothing. No. I don't mean nothing. You can't get this for free. No. What I mean is that it's not for sale. I don't barter these goods for materialistic things. I don't barter these goods for anything. You hear me? Especially not electronics. I'm not just a piece of meat.

FEMALE CLERK

I think you mis...

STEVE

No. You disgust me. I don't know what kind of training they put you through in this place. But you don't have to go on living this way. You can't live your life smuggling sex in your pants. Now, I'm going to find the GPS that I came here to buy. You stay right there and think about the consequences of your actions.

Steve locates the GPS.

STEVE (TALKING TO HIMSELF)

Two hundred bucks!? That's not what it said on the web site.

Steve examines the GPS,  looks up at the Female Greeter in the distance, back down at the GPS, then back up at the Female Greeter.

CUT TO:

Thirty seconds later. Steve is standing in front of the Female Greeter.

STEVE

Look. I took some time to think this through. And I've decided that I'll do it. It's a little unethical. But hey, I've done worse.

FEMALE GREETER

You'll do what?

STEVE

I'll let you have sex with me in exchange for this GPS. So is there a closet we can use or..?

The Female Greeter slaps Steve in the face.

FEMALE GREETER

That's not what I meant! I was asking you, "What can I do for you?"

STEVE

Well, that's not what you said. You said you wanted to do me. You specifically said "do me for". Look, I just came here for this GPS. That's all. Then you came along, sent me on this little ride called detour. Now I'm just wondering when do I get off? *wink*

FEMALE GREETER

Have you ever needed help locating your balls?

STEVE

No. That's a stupid question. But I think I like where this is going.

FEMALE GREETER (ANGRY)

If you don't get away from me right now, you'll never find them again. Understand?

STEVE

I think I played this game at summer camp. It's a little weird. But, I'll try everything atleast twice.

The Female Greeter kicks Steve straight in his nuts and walks away. Steve falls to the floor along with the GPS. Then Steve reaches for his crotch.



STEVE (IN PAIN)

...Oh thank God, they're still here.

A WOMAN is walking by with her five year old son.

WOMAN (PISSED OFF)

Get away from my son you disgusting pervert!

The woman kicks Steve in his face. The woman storms off. Steve is holding his face and his crotch.

STEVE

Does anybody know where I can find the closest hospital?

A stoner teenage SALES ASSOCIATE GUY walks up to Steve.

SALES ASSOCIATE GUY

Hey man. Just use the GPS. Duh.

- Ryan