You replace the two leading actors with Nicholas Cage and Keanu Reeves.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Sometimes people get into terrible accidents. It’s hard to imagine some accidents being so terrible. Here are some examples.
1. “Joe got into a terrible finger painting accident.” This is hard to take seriously. What could possibly make this accident so terrible? Well, maybe Joe was driving while finger painting. Then it turns into a finger painting car accident. This sounds a bit more terrible. However, if Joe wasn’t terribly stupid then he wouldn’t have been finger painting while driving. And how old is Joe anyway? Finger painting? Really Joe? Well, maybe Joe is just a little kid. If that’s the case then he sure as hell shouldn’t have been finger painting while driving let alone driving at the age of eight. Let’s just leave out the driving part of it. Ok fine then. One second Joe is finger painting in a class room. Suddenly he spills paint all over the floor. Next thing you know kids are slipping and sliding all over the place, painting with their feet. Painting with their feet? You know, some people would give their right arm just to be able to finger paint one last time. But they can’t because they don’t have any hands. And there goes Joe and the rest of the kiddy abstract expressionists clumsily creating one big masterpiece of shit. Finger painting ain’t no joke. Hmm. The words “it ain’t no joke” basically translates into “it isn’t no joke”. If it “isn’t no joke” then it must be some joke. So to clarify, finger painting isn’t a joke. So as a side note, only use Ebonics when you have to. Why would you ever have to? Exactly.
2. “Timmy got into a terrible bird feeding accident.” Really? Yes, really. Funny? No…well, yes. But, bird feeders aren’t intended to be part of a joke. They may appear to be still and non-precarious. But, I tell you what, they are totally precarious; totes-precarious. And dare I say pro-precarious…pro-carious. What some people don’t know is that bird feed conceals pepper which is used to keep squirrels away. And pepper to the eyes is not a good time. Just ask any dirty bird. And by dirty bird I mean pervert. Sometimes you can take pepper to the eyes just by being in close proximity to a dirty bird. In this instance I’m talking about actual dirty birds of the foul, fowl flying type. Timmy thought he could score some free sunflower seeds from a bird feeder. That’s right; Timmy didn’t want to buy his own sunflower seeds and go through the tedious process of breaking the shells and retrieving the seeds. Well, to make a short story longer, Timmy went bobbing for seeds, got some pepper in his eyes, freaked out, ran out into the street, caused a car to crash into a tree (the driver may or may not have been finger painting) which then caused a bee hive to fall out of the tree onto Timmy; covering him with honey. Blinded, Timmy ran right into the bird feeder which covered him with seeds. Suddenly, the birds from the scathed tree flew out and attacked Timmy. Oh well. What can you do? It was just another one of those crazy, terrible bird feeding accidents.