Friday, March 30, 2012

Oh, I can't complain. Really.

ED is sitting in the break room by himself. He's enjoying some yogurt. JOE walks in and fixes himself a cup of coffee.
Hey man. What’s worse than small talk? Riddle me that.

I don’t know. Tell me. Please (under his breath).

Too much talky.

You don’t say.

I do say. Some people just want to tell you their life story. But no one really cares. Sometimes I just want to say, “Shut the hell up and stop whining. Your life isn’t that bad and more importantly it’s not that significant.” No matter how good people have it, they still manage to find things to complain about.

True. Well, do you ever tell them how you feel?


Well, I think you should. Because how else are they going to know?

You know what? You’re right…I should tell them. They should know.

Ed gets up, throws away his yogurt container, heads for the doorway, stops and turns around.

Hey. What’s worse than hearing someone complain? Riddle me that.

Hmm. I don’t know. What?

Hearing someone complain about people complaining.

Joe laughs and nods his head.

True, very true. It’s kind of ironic if you think about it.

Joe continues laughign. Ed smirks.

Yeah. I’ll talk about you, I mean talk to you later.

Ed exits. Joe sips his coffee and looks at a newspaper.

People complaining about people complaining. Idiots.


Wait a second...Hey!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Observe & Celebrate

           There is an agglomeration of races in the United States. Despite all of our differences, we do have one bona fide similarity. We all love a good celebration. It doesn’t really matter what we’re celebrating, as long as you can raise a glass to it. Hell, we even celebrate our differences. Irish Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo and I’m pretty sure Mexican Americans celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day.
Celebrations aren’t limited to holidays alone. We proudly observe many days each and every year. In fact, some occasions are so important that we devote a week or even a month of observation. Sooner or later we’re going to run out of days, things are going to overlap and we’re going to become “over booked”. Yep, you’ll plant a tree every Earth Day to show that you love the planet. And you’ll hire a freaky looking clown for your child’s birthday which coincidentally is on Earth Day. Then, one day your child will grow up, resent you and the trees that you’ve planted. He’ll become a drunk who can only land a job performing as a clown at a homeless shelter. He’ll get paid in balloons but not the good illegal kind of balloons but the kind that you blow up, tie together and make animals out of. One morning on his birthday, Earth Day, you’ll wake up, look outside and find your thirty-something year old drunk clown child pissing all over your trees. Hey, it’s a harsh reality. But it’s his birthday and he can piss on a tree if he wants to.
Sure, it may seem like a ridiculous and unlikely scenario, but I’m just trying to make a point. And my point is that it’s only a matter of time before “holidays” start to conflict. I don’t know if there is, but there could be a whole week called National Vegan Week. And what if somehow National Cheeseburger Day landed smack dab in the middle of that week? Side, yet in the middle note: I mean, let’s be honest, the vegans (vegi?) don’t need a whole week to be extra vegan. But, this is America and we like to over indulge even if it is healthy. But I digress. So, this National Cheeseburger Day would cause quite a quandary. I mean, a cheeseburger is still a cheeseburger even if it’s slapped between two vegan buns (oddly perverted). Am I right? Therefore National Cheeseburger Day would have to be moved or it would have to be replaced by National Vegan Burger Day; which would be quite redundant, excessive and absolutely disgusting. However, we might as well keep it all together and get it out of the way in a solid vegan lump crap cake of a week.
I mean, really, anything could happen. The National Gay Day (a day that celebrates happiness) could conflict with Gay and Lesbian Pride Month (a month that celebrates homosexuality). They would conflict regardless of their proximity to each other on the calendar. It would become a battle of who is the gayest. And the last thing we need in America is the gay happy people feuding with the gay, gay people. Am I right? (Note: This was just an example. I have nothing against the gays. I am gay-happy for the gays).
There is a very good possibility that you could take any inanimate object, put it in between the words “National” and “Day” and make it a legitimate day that people observe. You could make it a week or a month if you’re a greedy bastard or if it’s actually important. Take (let me pick out the first thing that I see on my desk) jelly for instance. I could say, “Jelly is very important not only to I, but to grapes, America and jelly lovers alike.” Let’s just say it gets approved, mandated and it becomes a “day”. Great, perfect, we’ll declare it National Jelly Day. But, you know there will be anti-National Jelly Day extremists. Some people will hate National Jelly Day and everything that it stands for. Some people will envy National Jelly Day and will bring up valid and interesting questions like, “How come there isn’t a National Jam Day or a National Preserves Day?” Then someone will suggest that we turn National Jelly Day into National Jelly, Jam, Preserves Day or National Fruit Spreads Day. The people aren’t going to like that one bit. I mean, you can’t lump all forms of contraception together and say they’re all effective on everyone. This is America. It was promised and written somewhere that we can spread our jelly, jam, or preserves on any kind of bread that we want: White, wheat, rye, pumpernickel, you name it (I mean this in both a warped literal sense and a metaphorical sense).
In conclusion, I think we should celebrate life, celebrate it together, and celebrate…one and all. But, we should still guard our borders, keeping out illegal aliens (this includes Canadians), extraterrestrial aliens too because it’s getting a little too crowded and confusing in this modern America.

“The American dream is a golden cheese fondue fountain. And I can't wait to bring home the I can dip the cheese.”
-        Paula Dean

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Somewhere Between Confidence and Lack Thereof

(Preface/Note: The figure skating reference bears no significance. It’s just the very first thing that came to mind.)
Some people like to promote confidence and reinforce the idea of confidence whether or not they’re actually confident in you or confident in your potential confidence. Someone could say, “Look Guy, you should be confident. You have everything going for you. Now get out there and land that triple axel.” However, they might actually be thinking, “I’m pretty confident that he’s going to land right on his face.”
How do you measure confidence? What’s too much? What’s too little? Where exactly is that comfortable place in between modesty and arrogance? I mean, you don’t want to come off as being semi-confident. Then you’d probably sound something like, “You should watch me figure skate sometime. I mean, if you want. It’s no big deal. I’ve been training my whole life. But, I’m nothing special. I’m mediocre at best. Never mind. You’d probably be wasting your time. No. Come check me out though, maybe.” When you’re semi-confident you just sound like an indecisive, desperate, whiny little bitch. But, you sure as hell don’t want to sound arrogant. You don’t want to say, “Guess who’s great. I am. I’m a real good time. I mean, I’m a real great time. I just landed a triple axel…in bed. Oh!” People don’t respect a guy like that. I mean, how can they? Guys like that put the “erk” in jerk.
I guess when it comes down to it, in life you should wholeheartedly stand by your convictions, your work, and your triple axels. Stand tall before your final bow; even when your partner is on the ground beside you bleeding profusely due to a botched side by side shotgun spin. Assume your well rehearsed stance, hold your head high and know that you are a winner; a confident winner.

- Ryan