Thursday, March 16, 2017

Appreciation for Self-Deprecation

When I was a kid, I was little...a little bitch. And now, I'm a big bitch. By the way, going from little to big is usually a good thing. For instance, "When I was young, I played little league baseball. I kept at it. And today I'm in the big leagues...When I was young, I had a little dick. And today, it's slightly bigger." But no, it's quite different when it comes to being a bitch. I'm such an easy target because of that fact. That's why I try to beat people to the punch, and make fun of myself first. But, it doesn't always work out.

One day I was outside with a friend, enjoying the fresh air. The sun was beating on my face. I took a deep breath, smiled, and said, "Now, this is what life's about." Then suddenly a bird swooped down and almost hit me. And I shouted, "Ouch!" The bird didn't even touch me. I wasn't even hurt. But, I shouted, "Ouch!" I did one of those moves where you turn, arch your back, and put your hands up like you're afraid to touch something cacky. Side note: Not khaki, as in the color. I have a pair of khaki pants. I'm not afraid to touch them. If I was, I probably wouldn't wear pants to work. Side note deux: If I was ever in the military and I had to go into battle. You bet your ass I'd be running through a field, shouting, "!" So, after I almost got assaulted by a bird (Not the penis type--but, the flying type. And if your penis does have wings and can take flight, then shit, that's fucked up.) So, after I almost got impaled by a bird, I quickly said, "If I was a flower, I'd be a pansy. Ha!" Then my friend said, "Nah...You'd be one of those little flowers on a pussy willow." And I said, "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit. Yeah I would." Mothafucka took me out with that horticultural shit.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Childhood Memories

The Truth Hurts:

When I was a kid, I got punched in the nose and nearly bled to death. Okay, maybe I didn't really, nearly bleed, to death. But, I did bleed a lot--like a crazy amount of blood. Anywho, I can't really feel sorry for myself because I sort of deserved it. I talked some serious shit on this kid, and he walked up to me and punched me clean in the schnoz. However, that's not how my older brother remembers it. My older brother says to me, "That's not how I remember it. Here's how it really went down. You talked some serious shit on this kid. He walked up to you. Then he proceeded to do a karate warm-up/exercise, which lasted like 5 minutes, enough time for you to do something, like, step back, put your hands up, or I don't know, run the fuck away? But no, you just stood there...mesmerized by his Kung Fu. Then he punched the shit out of your face." It was kind of ironic, because once again I just stood there, but instead taking verbal abuse this time. Bewildered and frustrated by his recollection, all I could muster up was, " That's not how I remember it!" Then I ran off like a little bitch.

Town Patrol:

When I was a kid, my older brother, two cousins Jenna and AJ and I formed our very own law enforcement called, Kid Cops. We even had our own catch phrase. While riding down the suburban streets on our Huffy's, we'd shout, "Kid Cops motherfucker!" (Sometimes at the most inappropriate moments) For instance, we rode by Mrs. Dutch while she was out in her garden on a beautiful day. Mrs. Dutch said, "Good morning kids!" And we responded with, "Kid Cops motherfucker!" I mean, she had to know who we were and that we were well respected in the community. Sure, we were just kids. But, we were also just cops, doing our job. Some might say we were "pretend cops". But hey, it sure felt real. The truth is though, we didn't do any good in our town. Actually, we just ran amuck and used an obscene amount of profanity--and brought zero joy and not one bit of justice to anyone. The great thing was that we were just kids and we couldn't be held accountable for our actions, legally. Because we were just in elementary school for Christ's sake. We sure did have fun though. Man, those were the days. Kid Cops forever......motherfucker!

Valentine's Day Hangover (Comedy Showcase)