Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Thinkpad June 14, 2017

1. It's unsettling when you have to take an Active Shooter class. But, it's even more unsettling when the instructor tells you, "A pen is a good weapon. And if it comes down to it, stab the shooter in his jugular." What!? Sheeeeit, I ain't Jason mutha fuckin' Bourne, mutha fucka. I think I'd be better off writing him a letter. "Dear Shooter. What can I say? Ummm, please don't shoot me.'s it going? How's work been treatin' ya? It's almost lunch time. Ever eat at Taco Bell? Their Cheesy Gordita Crunch is bangin'. Shit, I didn't mean to say bangin'. It's so bomb though. Fuck. I mean, it's very appetizing." At any rate, if anything ever happens...I'll be ready.

2. In the early years of photography, people generally didn't smile--which made for very somber photographs. Some say people didn't smile because of poor dental hygiene. But, some believe that people didn't smile because of long exposure rates on the cameras which made people reluctant to hold a smile for a long time. Man, can you imagine how sad a dick pic would have looked back then. Very somber. Very somber indeed. This is the reaction of a guy who got his dick pics developed back in the day.

3. At some point, somewhere, a kid had a problem with eating clothes. "Billy's always chewing through his t-shirts," they would say. So, to help out, the town confectioner created cotton...candy. Then one day someone said, "Damn, Billy. Quit eating your shoe laces." So, the town confectioner created shoe strings made out of licorice. And then, one day, the mayor shouted, "All of the townswomen are missing their...underwear. Where the hell is Billy?" Then the town confectioner exclaimed, "There's no fucking way I'm making edible panties!" But, as you know...he sure as shit did.

4. People hate to admit when they're getting older. I don't mind getting older. However, I do hate when I realize that I'm turning into my father. I hope it never gets as bad as this one incident. One day my dad meant to yell out for me, but he said, "Sean! No! Robert! Shit! Erin! Ah! Seamus! No! Ryan!" Sean, Robert, and Erin are my siblings. Seamus is the dog. My dad called out the dog's name before mine. That's fucked up.

5. I'm not racist, but...I was standing at a concession stand and in front of me stood an African-American man and his son who was probably like 7 years old (also African American). They ordered. The little boy got ice cream on a cone. Then he proceeded to sing the ice cream song. You know the one, "I scream. You scream..." Well, he sang, "I scream. You scream...We all yell for soft serve." Ummmm, what? I guess it's safe to say, he'll never be a rapper. The kid can't even finish a simple rhyme. Yikes.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Thinkpad June 8, 2017

1. Those Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercials are pretty ridiculous. But, now he thinks he can just chill in the back seat. Which begs the question, "Who the fuck is driving the car!?"

2. The other day someone asked me, "Whatchu 'bout to eat?" I said, "I'm about to eat a cheese stick." He was like, "You're going to eat a cheese dick?" And I said, "No. I said cheese dick. Shit!" He had me convinced that I was about to eat a cheese dick. "That's it, I'm switching to Babybel."

3. One time I was watching people run in a marathon. Then I thought to myself, "This would be so much more interesting if they were all wearing clown shoes."

4. Post-it Notes come in handy when you have to label your...Post-it Notes.

5. When you're wealthy, you drink fine wine with your girl at a fancy art gallery. When you're poor, you drink Boone's Farm with your girl, beside the railroad tracks and wait for a train to go by.

I wonder what this artist is trying to say here?

It's graffiti. It literally says what it's trying to say. It says Deez Nutz. Don't read too much into it. Now, pass me the bottle.