Wednesday, February 5, 2014

From The Thinkpad

1. I want to find a friend who needs an intervention. But, not just any intervention. An intervention for a person who's a complete dick, asshole, jerk etc (whatever word you fancy). Then I'll round up a group of the usual suspects and some obscure types such as his 3rd grade teacher, therapist, mailman, kickboxing sparring buddy, ex-girlfriend, ex-ex-girlfriend, triple x girlfriend, current girlfriend, neighbors, his favorite male celebrity, and his dog. We won't reveal why we're intervening at first and let him state that he's not an alcoholic, he's not on drugs...he's not an addict. That's when we'll have to stop him and say, "You are an addict. You're addicted to being an asshole. Straight up, you're just one huge asshole. Asshole of the year material. You're the asshole of all assholes. Regular Joe assholes can't even stand you. You're something special--a special kind of asshole that just keeps getting bigger & bigger. You put the asshole in asshole." After all is said and done, we'll wait for a reaction--wait for an asshole to explode.

2. It's nice to see a strong, confident woman--one that can stick up for herself. On the other hand it's annoying to see the overly strong, overzealous, independent woman--you know the one, the one that thinks she can beat up men. Sometimes you'll see a woman who flaunts her toughness and someone will say, "You have to hand it to her. She has balls." Then I think. "No, no. Balls are precisely what I wish she didn't have--something she most definitely shouldn't be flaunting."

3. One day I was trying to think of my favorite actors. I could only come up with a bunch of male actors--not a single actress. Then I thought, "Is this my inner sexist coming out, or is it my inner gay coming out? Maybe it's my inner gay sexist coming out. Gay & sexist? Dag, that's a lot to handle. Nothing against gays or sexists, but, yeah...I mean, I'll support a gay pride parade all day, but I'm not going to support a gay sexist pride parade. That's all I'm trying to say."

4. It's a shame, but it's easy to look at any live action children's show and picture the characters years from now, all strung out and unstable. 

5. I love it when parents talk about doing drugs in their youth. They always say, "We were just experimenting." You were experimenting were you? Doing a little testing? For what exactly? As if they were doing it just to make sure it would be safe for us one day. Then they found out that it was dangerous, damaging and dare I say deadly in some cases. When this was unveiled I'm sure they said something like, "Quick! Let's do all of the drugs so our kids will never ever be exposed to it. Look, over there! There's a whole field of mushrooms! Let's consume every last one. Then we'll have unprotected sex in the middle of the field and hope we don't conceive a child...Oops."

6. Garnish. Sure, you can garnish a dish. It's a nice decorative piece of something that you don't eat--which rests near your entree. It's virtually useless and hardly aesthetically titillating. You might have seen it whilst working at a restaurant during your collegiate years. Do you know what else can be garnished? Your wages. You might experience this once you don't find a job after college and can't make your loan payments. Then you'll probably find yourself back at that restaurant waiting tables again. Suddenly, the plated garnish won't look so bad. You might even be able to make a side salad providing that you save up enough of them. Extreme scenario? Probably. Is there truth and reality in it though? Yup.

7. Serious personal wisdom: Some weeks I spend my working hours handing out copies of land documents to title searchers. Sometimes I have to forget I'm a professional copy retriever/hand outer guy. But, more often than not, I have to remind myself that I am.

8. Sometimes I see white guys walking with a limp. Are they walking in a thuggish fashion? Are they injured? Or are they just crooked, lopsided people? I don't know. I don't pull over to find out. You can only take your concern so far. But hey, maybe next time I'll yell something offensive and see if he chases after me. If he keeps limping, then I'll yell an apology. At least then I'll know.

9. Does Tennis Elbow actually come from playing tennis? Or was it initially caused by something else like, jerking off? For instance, did some dude go to his doctor and complain about his elbow, and the doctor said, "I've never heard of anything like this before. Do you perform any strenuous activities with this arm?" 

"Well, sure Doc, I do some serious jerking off." 

"Hmm. I'm going to diagnose you with...Jerking Off Elbow." 

"Um, I'm sure we can think of a better name than that. I can't go around saying that I have Jerking Off Elbow. It makes me sound like a weird creep who goes around trying to jerk off people's elbows. It sounds like a psychological disorder."

"Okay, well, do you play any sports?"

"No, not really. I pretty much just jerk off. Sometimes I jerk off while watching tennis though."

"There it is. I'll call it...Tennis Elbow."

"Very discreet. I like it."

10. Mature men like to remind everyone that they are grown-ass men. But, it's important to distinguish a grown-ass man from a grown ass-man. Surely, you don't want people to think you're a full sized ass. And now that's all I can picture--one huge ass with eyes, ears and a nose. Either way, I'm sure some day someone is going to have an intervention for that particular ass. Because you can only walk around looking like as ass for so long before someone comes up and smacks you. Then you would be a smacked ass and, yeah, there's nothing cool about that.