Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Some Thoughts & Concerns

Today's Top 10 Thoughts & Concerns:

1. As of today, "H" to the "O" or "H" to the "IZO" will be an abbreviation for Hall & Oates. No longer will it have a negative connotation. Instead, it will be used to celebrate great American music, mullets, Jheri curls, and carefully groomed mustaches. Cool hipsters, frat boys, emo kids and dirty hippy kids alike will be shouting "H to the O!", in hopes that a DJ will make their dreams come true; because everyone has to get their jam on. Take that Jay-Z.

2. It makes me sad to think that the hardest Neil Diamond will ever rock is when he plays Sweet Caroline. Led Zepplein, for example, have heavy rocking songs like Black Dog, Communication Breakdown, and Stairway to Heaven, among many other killer tunes. But Neil has Sweet Caroline, Cherry Cherry, and Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show. Well, I guess it isn't so bad. Neil should know that Sweet Caroline will live on; probably in the basement of a fraternity house, being torn to bits vocally by our drunken youth, our future. But, atleast they'll be rocking the shit out of it.

3. I feel like I can't get away from Kevin Bacon. I was listening to Bad Company's I feel like making love. But all I could hear was, "I feel like Bacon love...Kevin Bacon love."

4. I came across a name the other day and it was Wildonger.

5. I started reading a book about ninjas (or Ninja). I was a few sentences in and it said, "Always conceal your ninja identity (or something like that)." I immediately shouted, "Aww hell no! Fuck that" and roundhouse kicked that book right in it's preface; because if I'm a ninja, people are going to fucking know it. Boom!

6. Why do British people think they're so special? They think because they use the word "brilliant", it makes them sound brilliant. But, sadly, it does not. I could say that when I go home I'm going to take a brilliant shit and wipe my brilliant ass with my brilliant toilet paper. However, it wouldn't fit any translation of the word "brilliant":

a. shining brightly; sparkling; glittering; lustrous: the brilliant lights of the city.
b. distinguished; illustrious: a brilliant performance by a young pianist.
c. having or showing great intelligence, talent, quality, etc.: a brilliant technician.
d. strong and clear in tone; vivid; bright: brilliant blues and greens; the brilliant sound of the trumpets.
e. splendid or magnificent: a brilliant social event.
noun
f. Jewelry . a gem, especially a diamond, having any of several varieties of the brilliant cut.
g. Printing . a size of type about 3 1 / 2 -point.

And if somehow one or more of these definitions describes what your shit looks like, then yes your shit is brilliant.

7. My co-worker just said, "Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!" And I replied, "No! I don't shit for anyone but myself. Maybe you should do your work instead of demanding shit from people."

8. The wink: I say embrace the wink. Whomever graces your face with a wink, take it as a compliment. It doesn't matter if it comes from a creepy molester guy, coincidentally named Chester, with a John Oates mustache, beer gut, and a flat ass which inevitably leads to some ass cleavage. Just be glad that Chester thinks you're a catch. And find comfort in the fact that Chester will always have your back, be it in prison or in a dark alley. You could be singing at an open mic night and you know that Chester will be there cheering you on; even if you can't see him because he's camouflaged into the walls.

9. Lucy: A cute name that Beatles fans give their children.
Loosey: A trashy name a hooker gives her unborn child after she just bummed a cigarette off of her baby daddy a.k.a. pimp .

10. I want to start an Asian Neil Young cover band called Neil Yong. If there are any other Asians out there that are interested, just let me know. 


- Ryan

Monday, January 30, 2012

Passion & Pizza

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Two young adults, ROSE and HANK are sharing an intimate moment in their bed. Hank is on top warming up and Rose is fluffing her pillow. Hank is wearing a captain's hat. VIBRATING SOUND AND SOUND OF INSTRUMENTAL VERSIONS OF INXS SONGS PLAYING.

HANK
(Role playing)
This is your Captain speaking. At this time, make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Also make sure your seat belt is correctly fastened. Also, we advise you that as of this moment, any electronic equipment must be turned off. Thank you.

ROSE
Roger that.

Rose reaches under the blanket, pulls out a vibrator, turns it off and places it on the night stand.

ROSE
Just let me know when we reach full altitude. Okay honey?

Rose reaches for her cell phone on the night stand.

HANK
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Electronic equipment must be turned off. Captain's orders. Don't tell me you're going to play Angry Birds...again.

ROSE
No, no, no. I just wanted to order a pizza.

HANK
Right now? Can't you wait until we're done?

ROSE
Angelo's Pizzeria closes in five minutes. So...yes, I guess I could wait until we're done. But I mean, it shouldn't take long.

HANK
Actually, I have a second scenario for us to act out. So, it could take a while.

ROSE
No, I meant the phone call shouldn't take long.

HANK
Oh. Well, alright. But you better make it snappy.

ROSE
Okay. Thanks baby. You can continue.

Rose grabs her phone, dials the number and waits. Hank slowly thrusts.

ROSE
So what's my motivation again?

HANK
You're a dancer from France taking the red eye to New York City because there is an opening at a dance academy. You need to get there like, yesterday and the pilot is taking forever. Therefore you have to persuade him to fly faster. But, he doesn't speak French. Wink wink.

ROSE
Oh yeah...Hello I'd like to place an order for delivery.

HANK
(Whispering)
I'll thrust softly.

ROSE
(On the phone)
What kind of pizza would you recommend?...Mmm. Give me that.

HANK
(surprised & awkward)
Oh yeah? You want some more of that? Because I got it. I mean I got more of that, it, I got.

Rose covers the phone.

ROSE
No. Sorry baby. I was talking about the pizza.


HANK
(embarassed)
Oh. Right.

Hank awkwardly continues thrusting.

ROSE
(Talking on the phone)
Well, it's for two. So, the bigger the better.

Hank appreciates the innuendo, nods and gives Rose a sleazy smile.

ROSE
(Talking on the phone)
That's hot right?

HANK
I don't know. Is it hot? I'm the one working it here. So, uh, you tell me.

Rose covers up the phone.

ROSE
Hank relax, I'm talking to the guy about what kind of sausage he has. Give me a minute.

HANK
Oh I'm sorry...

Hank continues thrusting.

HANK
(Whispering)
Mmm. Now I'm getting hungry too. Add peppers to that.

ROSE
(Enthusiastic)
Oh yeah. Give me that. That's what I want....Hank I'm talking to you.

HANK
(Shocked)
Oh! Right.

Hank starts thrusting faster.

ROSE
(Talking on the phone)
Okay, so one large sausage & pepper pizza. That should be everything. Fifteen minutes?

HANK
Ladies and gentlemen, as we start our descent, please make sure your...Oh no! Flight attendants, prepare for landing.

ROSE
(Talking on the phone)
Fifteen minutes sounds perfect.

Rose hangs up the phone.

HANK
And I've landed.

THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT REVEALING A MOVIE CREW AND DIRECTOR.

DIRECTOR
Cut! Good job guys. That's a wrap folks!

The crew starts clearing the set.

HANK
Well, that turned out pretty well.

ROSE
Yeah. You totally nailed it.

HANK
No, you nailed it.

ROSE
No, I'm pretty sure you nailed it.

HANK
Alright. We both nailed it...together. Say, do you want to go grab a slice of pizza.

ROSE
That would be nice.

FADE OUT:


- Ryan

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Soap Opera Skit

This is intended to be a SNL type of skit. It's shot just like a soap opera.


INT. MANSION - NIGHT

VINCENT, a very important man, walks into a mansion in the midst of a swanky social event. Vincent looks at his watch as his assistant JACK comes scurrying up.

VINCENT
I expect you to be on time Jack. I'm a very important man. I need you by my side so people can say, "Oh look. Vincent has an assistant. He's a very important man."

JACK
I'm so sorry Vincent. That's my bad.

VINCENT
Now take off that bowtie. You can’t look swankier than I. We don't want people to think that I'm your assistant now do we?

JACK
(Sarcastic)
No. That's not at all what I was trying to do.

Jack takes off his bowtie.

VINCENT
I hope your productivity far exceeds your punctuality.

JACK
Don't worry. I got the scoop on this whole family. Every little dirty detail. Let's do a walk through. Quick, quick, to your left. Do you see that cougar with the plump rump as round as that punch bowl? And the huge rack. If I were Elmer Fudd I'd hang my gun on it then pull Bugs Bunny out of her cleavage. You know what I'm saying? Haha.

VINCENT
Jack. That's...

JACK
That's Denise. She's a heartlesss money moocher. Not to mention a tramp. She's having an affair with that guy over there. His name is Ned.

SHOT OF A NERDY GUY NED.

JACK
He's a well endowed genius. Lucky bastard.

VINCENT
Jack. Listen to me...

JACK (excited)
Eww! Check out this guy. He's Denise's husband, Bill. He's probably going to die of a heart attack. I’m just guessing though.

SHOT OF BILL WITH BUGGED OUT BLOOD SHOT EYES AND WHITE POWDER ON HIS NOSE.

VINCENT
Jack, listen to me. These people....

JACK
And here we are! The sleaziest, filthiest, mangiest of them all. The old bag & heir to the family throne, Agnes. Let's get you aquainted!

VINCENT
Wait, wait, wait.

JACK
Ms. Agnes, my name is Jack. I'd like you to meet...

AGNES
Vincent. I'm so glad you could make it.

JACK
Wait. You know her?

VINCENT
Yes...She's my grandmother.

Denise, Bill, and Ned walk up. Vincent turns to Denise with a look of disgust.

VINCENT
How could you, mother? How could you screw Ned...your son...my brother.

SOUND: DUN! DUN! DUN!

JACK
Wait. Ned's your brother? And Denise is...Oh dear God.

BILL
It's okay Vincent. I knew all about it. I also have been unfaithful. I screwed Agnes...my mother...your GamGam.

SOUND: DUN! DUN! DUN!

JACK
Why!?

NED
I too screwed GamGam Aggy.

SOUND: DUN!

JACK
What is wrong with you people? Is this what it takes to get the family jewels?

VINCENT
Yes Jack. That's exactly what it takes. That's why I screwed everyone in this room including my father Bill, my brother Ned and the butler.

JACK
Who's the butler?

SOUND: DUN! DUN! DUN!
SHOT OF THE BUTLER. HE HAS LONG HAIR, A MUSTACHE AND BIG BOOBS.

VINCENT
Jose...or Josephine. It really depends on the day. But he..she..it was adopted.

JACK
Well, it looks like your family secret is out.

VINCENT
Yes. And that’s why we have to kill you.

JACK
I’m afraid you can’t do that.

VINCENT
Well, why in the hell not?

JACK
Because you don’t kill family members Vincent…

Jack pulls off a mask and is now a woman.

JACK
You screw them.

BILL
My long lost daughter Jacqueline.

SOUND: DUN! DUN! DUN!
Bill falls to the ground and has a heart attack. Everyone gasps, but very unsympathetically.

JACK/JACQUELINE
I told you.

DENISE
Oh thank God!

NED
That’s one less person we have to screw.

VINCENT
This is cause for a celebration.

DENISE
Where’s the champagne?

AGNES
Yeah. Who do you have to screw to get a drink around this place?

A bartender pops up from behind the bar.

BARTENDER
Me. You have to screw me.

They all fight over who gets the first drink.

BARTENDER
Everyone relax. There are plenty of screwdrivers to go around.



FADE OUT:

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Appropriate Inappropriateness

I'm not a big fan of filmmakers using inappropriateness just for the sake of being inappropriate. However, sometimes inappropriateness is super appropriate. It can add a much needed shock value to your shabby script. It will make your film unshabby...without shab…shabless. I often find that filmmakers miss their mark when trying to convey certain emotions on screen. They think that extreme means beating something into the ground like beating a dead horse; literally. Why beat a dead horse? Why beat a horse at all? This film has nothing to do with horses. But hey, let’s beat a dead horse anyway (much like this rant about beating dead horses). There’s something respectable about being subtle; like beating around the bush. I mean, how big can the bush be, really? You’ll eventually make it around and everything will come full circle like a Quentin Tarantino film. However, I wouldn’t suggest beating a dead horse around a bush. That’s just unnecessary and really time consuming. Moreover, nothing good will ever come from killing two birds with one stone. Sure, you could achieve success and popularity. And, they might even build a statue of you and present it in the town square. However, one day a flock of birds will fly over your statue and shame the memory of you with their shit. If only these so called filmmakers would come to me before shitting on their own films (not in the literal sense, but hey, I don't know what people do on their free time).

Utilizing Appropriate Inappropriateness in Film:
 Some films rely heavily on long choreographed fight scenes. But they're usually too milk toast (extremely mild) for my taste. Sure, any movie can showcase two jacked dudes doing some fancy dance kung fu. However, it gets to a point where it's hard to differentiate the Asian man from, well, the other Asian man. In other words, combat in film is pretty mundane and is in dire need of a revolution. That’s where I come in. Let’s just say (for the sake of proving my superiority) a standard cinema fight consists of two dudes (a hero and a villain) fighting in the middle of Times Square. Yeah, I know, it’s pretty typical. Now let me propose my film (which is just an example, something I came up with on the fly, but really, really awesome).
Film name: Citizen Flak (working title).
Premise: The main character’s name is Flak (because he takes flak from everyone). He’s a 6’5”, muscular orderly that works at a senior home. He’s the kindest, gentlest man with a parted haircut (the kind he’s had since he was two years old). He is sort of like Lenny from Of Mice and Men, but he’s really intelligent and doesn’t kill things with his bare hands (or does he?). And that’s just the thing; Flak is incapable of hurting anyone. However, that’s precisely what he’s confronted with at the end of the film; which leads to the final fight scene.
Appropriate Inappropriateness: It becomes apparent that Dr. Sisemen (pronounced Sy-semen) is running illegal tests on all of the senior citizens. There is a pivotal moment where Flak witnesses Dr. Sisemen performing unethical experiments. However, it takes Flak realizing that Dr. Sisemen’s name is “nemesis” spelled backwards for him to do anything about it. In the end Flak has to save his grandfather from being turned into a zombie. The only thing standing between Flak and Dr. Sisemen are twenty crazed senior citizen zombies. Dr. Sisemen says to Flak, “Get the hell out of here Flak and scrub some bed pans.” And Flak replies, “No. I ain’t taking anymore flak from you or anybody else. Did you hear me Dr. Sisemen? No more Flak. The name’s Bob…Call me Bob.” “Okay, Bob. Get the hell out of here and go scrub some bed pans,” replies Dr. Sisemen. Flak conveys a smidgen of anger by ripping off his own shirt. Then he charges at Dr. Sisemen, all the while punching every senior citizen zombie in the brain (in slow motion). In the end Flak saves his grandfather and not to mention the whole world.
As you can see, the inappropriateness of Flak punching the senior citizens in the face is very much appropriate for the story. Furthermore, the character development is undeniably extraordinary and mind-blowing.


- Ryan

Friday, January 20, 2012

Golf

I'd like to start off by saying that whoever invented golf and the terminology of said golf is a huge pervert. Through this brief lesson you should get a better understanding of what I'm talking about. These are actual golf terms mind you.

Golf Terminology

Bump & Run: As the name suggests a bump and run describes a ball which is hit into the air flies towards the target and then 'bumps' into the ground and 'rolls' the rest of the way towards its target (Sounds kind of painful but that's how it is sometimes when you hit it and quit it).
Caddie: Caddies are individuals who are paid to carry your golf clubs around the course for you and who are also able offer advice on how to play the course (Sounds like a fancy name for prostitute to me).
Cavity Back Iron: A cavity back iron is a particular type of iron which has the majority of the club head's weight distributed around its perimeter (Enough said).
Coming Over The Top: Coming over the top is a phrase used to describe the movement of the club as it travels through the downswing and into a right-to-left pathway across the ball (for right handed golfers). Another term sometimes for this movement is the out-to-in blow.
Compression: Compression refers to the squeezing in of a ball when it is impacted by the head of a golf club.
Crossed Over: Crossed over is the term which describes the shaft of a golf club when it is at the top of the backswing and facing towards the right of the target (for right handed golfers).
Cupped Lead Wrist: A cupped lead wrist refers to a backward bend in your lead hand when you strike the ball. The lead hand is the hand which is nearest to the hole once you are set up for your swing.
Duff: To duff is simply to miss or totally mess up a shot.
Explosion Shot (Seems a bit excessive): An explosion shot is a bunker shot which sends an 'explosion' of sand flying through the air (This is what happens when you bone on the beach).
Flex: Flex refers to the amount of bend within the shaft of a golf club.
Forecaddie: A forecaddie is an individual employed by the Committee to indicate the position of balls to players during play and is an outside agency (Sounds like the caddie's pimp).
Front Nine: The first half, or first 9 nines holes, of an 18-hole course (Sounds like a long day of filling holes).
Grip: The grip refers to either the manner in which you hold your club or the rubber covering on the shaft of a club where you place your hands (I think I learned this in high school).
Holed Out: A player is said to 'hole out' when his ball enters the hole
Impediment: An impediment is loose debris around the ball which is obstructing your shot and which can be moved away from your ball.
Laid Off: This occurs when the club shaft is pointing to the left of the target at the top of the backswing (for right-handed golfers).
Lateral Water Hazard: A lateral water hazard is a water hazard or that portion of a water hazard which is situated so that it is impossible, or impracticable, to drop a ball behind the water hazard. All of the ground and water within the margin of a lateral water hazard are considered to be part of the lateral water hazard (Yeah...).
Lay Up: This term refers to a shot which is deliberately intended to fall short of the green in order to avoid getting into trouble (I think this has something to do with a form of contraception).
Lip Out: A lip out occurs when the golf ball travel right up to the hole and teeters on the edge of the cup but, instead of dropping into the hole, rolls back from the hole.
Loose Impediments: Loose impediments are natural objects including leaves, twigs, branches, stones, dung, worms and insects (and the casts and heaps made by them) which are not growing or fixed, solidly embedded or ahering to the ball (I can proudly say that I've never had this problem).
Lost Ball: (It's pretty much what it sounds like).
Nuked Shot: A nuked shot is a shot which is hit far harder and longer than you would normally hit the ball with a particular club.
Nearest Point Of Relief: The nearest point of relief is the reference point used for taking relief without a penalty from interference by an immovable obstruction, an abnormal ground condition or a wrong putting green (It's hard to decipher this description, but I think it has something to do with premature ejaculation).
Provisional Ball: A provisional ball is a ball played for a ball which may be lost outside a water hazard or which may be out of bounds.


Forms of Match Play:
  • Single. A match where one player plays against another player (Boring).
  • Threesome. A match where one player plays against two other players and where each side plays one ball (Alright. We're getting there).
  • Foursome. A match where two players play against two other players and where each side plays one ball (Boom! Now we're talkin').
Penalty Stroke: When playing in a threesome or foursome, penalty strokes do not affect the order of play.


Forms of Stroke Play (Notice how it goes right from individual to a foursome):
  • Individual. A competition where every competitor plays as an individual.
  • Foursome. A competition where two competitors play as partners and play one ball.


Conclusion:
I'd like to conclude this lesson by saying that I have a little sympathy for Tiger Woods. I mean, the guy spent his whole life being forced to stroke his Strong 1 Wood. When you live your life with the mind-set, get it in the hole, how do you think you would turn out?


- Ryan

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Good Will

There's no easy way to get into the film industry or the television industry. I mean, it would help if I knew someone famous like Tom Hanks or Paul Rudd. But, I don't. So, I'll have to find my own way in.

I devised a plan. It involves breaking into NBC studios in New York City. Sure, one could argue, "They have tours there. So, you don't have to break in (sarcastic as shit)." True. But, did a tourist ever become famous by following someone else's tour? No. I'll follow my own lead thank you very much. But I digress. In order to see this plan through, I'm going to have to draw inspiration from one of my favorite films, Good Will Hunting. Then, I'll have to become well versed in the custodial arts, apply that to my method of acting and be the best Will Hunting I can be; a good Will...a great Will...Hunting.

Once I breach the studio walls I'll have to find a dry erase board, erase whatever nonsense is on there, and proceed to write out my feature length script (titled Great Will Hunting, which I just came up with). Then I'll convincingly wax the floors and wait around for an executive, Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon or anyone that will read my script (with the exception of another janitor, unless it's Matt Damon). All of sudden someone will walk up to the dry erase board and say, "Who wrote this?..." Then I'll reply, "I..." Then that someone will continue with, "...because they're fired." And I'll follow up with, "...saw a man with a marker run that way...and he looked like Pauly Shore. In fact I'm certain it was Pauly Shore."

So there you have it. And by the way, I would totally throw Pauly Shore under the bus. Because he's never going to catch another break ever again, unless someone reads my amazing script and thinks that Pauly Shore wrote it. Then I would say, "Touche", find Pauly Shore and become his buddy.


- Ryan

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Drink up

To Go Coffee Lids:

Not every place/convenient store has a convenient coffee lid. And that's part of the reason for a To Go Coffee Cup isn't it? It's all about the convenience. But it ends up being an inconvenient convenience. Or a convenient inconvenience. However you want to slice it. Mmm, slice it. That makes me think of pie and pie would go really well with this coffee. Actually, hold the pie. Scratch that, don't even touch it. Put it down if you are holding it. We're talking coffee lids right now. What I'm trying to say is that it's like having a convenient store smack dab in the middle of the ghetto. You'll soon find out that it's not very convenient at all. That's just false advertisement. Convenience with a complimentary bullet in your ass, that's what that is.

Anyway, not all To Go Coffee Cup lids are created equal. Sometimes you get the white lid with the flappy thingy.




The flappy thingy folds back and is supposed to keep the opening open.





And when you decide that you want to cover the opening because you don't want bugs or dust getting in, you should be able to push the flappy thingy back down. But as we all know these lids are full of malfunctions. Sometimes the flap won't work either way: open or closed. So, it'll be stuck there mid-flap.



Therefore you're forced to push the flap back with your finger or your mouth while drinking. Sometimes the flap will be in open mode, seemingly secured to the top of the lid. You pick up the cup and proceed to take a sip. Then, just as you tilt the cup, the flap comes undone and you're stuck with the flap in your mouth and coffee running down your shirt.

Yes. It's true. I am a victim of poorly manufactured lids. I can't show you the damage because it's quite serious. What's a guy to do? Should I go around wearing coffee colored shirts in case I happen to get a shoddy coffee cup lid and spill it on myself? No. Because there are many shades of coffee and I can't commit to just black or creamer. Instead, I'm going to start a movement called Occupy Poorly Manufactured To Go Coffee Cup Lids. We would set up shop outside of a Starbucks. Then we'd get coffee from Dunkin Donuts and stand inside of Starbucks with our Dunkin Donuts coffee cups in hand. The expressions on our faces will convey a, "Do something. You won't." kind of attitude. Actually, that'll be our slogan: Do Something. You won't. And we'll use their free wifi. That'll show 'em.

I started using a stainless steel & plastic travelling coffee cup. It turns out that my new coffee cup took care of business for me. It's the weirdest thing, but I managed to record it on my camera. However, I had to slow it down in order to see what actually happened. Take a look.