Friday, December 30, 2011

I've been thinking

Snoop Dee Oh Double G:

I like to replace Snoop Dogg with any person in any story, TV show, or what have you. It's like a, "What would Snoop Dogg do?" kind of scenario. For instance, when I watch this show called Storage Wars, I don't look at the auctioneer and say, "Wow, he's a fast talker." No, I think to myself, "Wow. Snoop Dogg would do better."

I picture a storage unit (or "locker") opening up and smoke just pouring out. Then, all of a sudden, out from the smoke walks Snoop Dogg. He has a goblet full of gin and juice in one hand and a cane in the other hand; which he had just stolen from the unit moments earlier. The smoke clears which reveals a full out gangster party going on inside of the unit: gangsters and ho's grinding up on each other, forty's being spilled all over, and a guy in the corner grilling up some bbq. It turns out that most of the smoke was coming from the grill and not illegal substances. Some of the folks outside start complaining.

FOLKS
They're ruining everything. I am not bidding on this unit.

An old optimistic guy, GUY 1, chimes in.

GUY 1
I don't know. I have a really good feeling about this one. That chair that these young folks are humping on, appears to be from...the early Elizabethan period. It's definitely post Gothic. And definitely not Jacobean.

Another bidder chimes in.

GUY 2
He's right. That strapwork screams Elizabethan. It has to be worth at least $300,000. 

Snoop Dogg chimes in.

SNOOP DOGG
(astonished)
What the fizzle? It's time to biddzle. We're gonna stizzle the bidizzle at three hundred thousand dizzles.

GUY 1
Um...that's way too high.

SNOOP DOGG
High? You haven't seen high motherf***er. I mean, fizzler.

GUY 2
Five hundred dizzles! Right over here Mr. Dogg.

Snoop Dogg walks over to GUY 2 and back hands him across the face.

SNOOP DOGG
We got five hundred dizzles. "S" "N" double "O" "P"  "D" "O" we have six hundred? Double "G".

GUY 3
Six hundred.

GUY 1
Oh dear God! That man just splooged all over the chair!

GUY 2
Now it's worth nothing.

GUY 3
There's no refurbishing that.

GUY 1
I'm out of here.

GUY 3
Yeah. Me too. This unit is awful.

SNOOP DOGG
No one is leaving until I get my six hundred dizzles!

Snoop Dogg pulls out a gun (an old rifle).

GUY 3
No! Please don't shoot us Mr. Dogg...with that Civil War era rifle.

GUY 1
Actually that's an imitation from the 1950s.

They walk up to Snoop Dogg.

GUY 1
Notice the oak wood. Rifles back then were made primarily from mahogany.

GUY 2
It's true. You'd probably only get like fifty bucks out of this.

SNOOP DOGG
Word? That's enough for me to get high four times. Hey, do you guys want to get fizzled up?

GUY 1
Sure. I always wanted to grind up on a real girl.

GUY 2
Word. I think I spot a pair of Apple Bottom jeans with my crotch on it...$35.00 on ebay.

Snoop Dogg back hands Guy 2 across the face, then they proceed to party.



- Ryan

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Elevator Gossip

INT. ELEVATOR (CORPORATE SETTING) - MORNING

The elevator doors open. Two guys, BLANKENSHIP & THOMPSON are standing there. MURPHY A.K.A. "MURPH" enters the elevator. The elevator door shuts.

MURPHY (in a ghetto voice)
What up Blank? What up Thomp-Son!?

BLANKENSHIP & THOMPSON (in a ghetto voice)
What up Murph?

MURPHY
Have you guys seen the new guy yet?

BLANKENSHIP
Who? Todd?

MURPHY
Yeah. That's the guy. Todd. Mr. my last name is too friggin difficult to pronounce, so people have to call me by my first name.

THOMPSON
Yeah. What a loser.

MURPHY (Mocking tone)
Look at me. Look at me. I'm the new guy. I have no friends

BLANKENSHIP
He's a sorry excuse for a human being.

All three guys laugh. The elevator doors open. TODD enters the elevator.

BLANKENSHIP, THOMPSON, & MURPH (Excited)
Yo! What up Todd?!

MURPH (Stoked)
Aha! My man!

TODD (Super stoked)
What up boys?!

THOMPSON
This is my stop. I'll catch you guys on the flip flop.

MURPH
Oh snap! No he didn't. You should be a rapper Thomp-Son! T-Son!

Thompson throws up a peace sign. The elevator doors closes.

MURPH
What an idiot.

BLANKENSHIP
He definitely shouldn't be a rapper. Yah mean? Boy just can't spit it.

TODD
I know. It's only my second day here and I already can't stand him. Mostly his face.

MURPH
Yeah. He scares off all the honies. We should make him take the stairs.

The elevator doors open. PEREZ enters the elevator.

BLANKENSHIP
What up P-Rez?

PEREZ
Chillin'.

Blankenship exits the elevator.

BLANKENSHIP
See you guys later. We'll do lunch. Who's up for enchiladas. P-Rez?

PEREZ
You know it!

MURPH
Alright dog. Hit us up.

TODD
Yeah man. Extension 3-4-3-6! (Holding up numbers like a gang sign)

BLANKENSHIP
Word!

The elevator doors close.

PEREZ
Racist son of a bitch. I'd like to travel back in time, right before his mom decided to concieve him, and slap her in the face with an enchilada.

TODD
I feel you man. But, I'm pretty sure that would have just provoked her. And today you'd have yourself a happy little accident named Blankenship. So, save your platonium.

MURPH
And yo, I ain't goin' to lunch with him. He never pays. And, he uses Bed Bath & Beyond coupons at the strip club.

PEREZ
He should know damn well that strippers ain't shoppin' at no B. B. & B.

MURPH
Hey Todd. Who's extension did you give him?

TODD
Thompson's.

MURPH
Nice!

The elevator doors open. Smith enters the elevator.

MURPH
What up Aero-Smiff?! My man!

Murph exits the elevator and stops the door from closing.

SMITH
Haha. There ain't gonna be any love in this elevator. That's for sure. Where are all the women at?

TODD
Thompson scared them off.

SMITH
He should take the stairs. Like, for real.

MURPH
Haha. Word. Hey, do you guys want to come to my office and do some double shots of espresso and YouTube it up? Just get crazy with it.

PEREZ
No dice my man.

SMITH
No can do. Todd and I have a meeting with the boss in like ten minutes.

MURPH
Oh. Ok. Aha! It's all good. We on for lunch?

TODD, PEREZ, SMITH
You know it.

MURPH
Aha! My dogs! (BARKING NOISES) Peace.

The elevator door closes.

(PAUSE)

TODD
What a friggin tool! Can I just say that?

PEREZ
If you didn't, I was. He should get a life.

SMITH
Yeah. He should have take the stairs. And if I have to hear one more Aerosmith or Will Smith reference, I'm gonna lose it. I wasn't West Philadelphia born and raised! I just wasn't!

The elevator doors open. Murphy is standing there. He looks pissed off.

SMITH
Murph! Murphy Brown. My man! What's shakin'...?

MURPH
Don't. Just don't. I heard everything. I forgot I had to go up to HR.

Murphy slowly walks into the elevator. The doors close. It's completely silent. Smith looks sympathetic.

SMITH
...West Philadelphia born and raised.

PEREZ
...On the playground is where I spent most of my days.

TODD
...Chilling out maxing relaxing all cool.

Murph smiles.

MURPH
And shooting some b-ball outside of the school.

They all harmonize together and sing the rest of the song.

SMITH
Look man. We're sorry. We didn't mean any of what we said about you.

MURPH
Apology accepted. Group bro hug?

SMITH, PEREZ, TODD
You bet.

They all hug. Then the elevator door opens. It's Cindy, an attractive brunette who they all fancy.

CINDY
Umm. I'll take the stairs.

MURPH, TODD, SMITH, PEREZ
No, no, no! Don't go, don't go!

The elevator doors starts closing.

MURPH
It's just a group bro hug! No big deal!

The elevator door closes.

FADE OUT: