Thursday, October 30, 2014

Man Oh Man

        Men are perverts. It’s true. There’s definitely something wrong with us. Even the really, really, really, really good guys have their moments. And trust me, I’m one of them. You’ll be driving down the road and see a girl jogging 200 yards away. Your initial reaction is to say something sleazy like, “Mmm girl!” moaning like you just enjoyed a delicious brownie--in fact you did. You wipe the crumbs off of your shirt because you're a slob.Then you begin talking like your favorite black entertainers. First you channel your inner Will Smith. “Don’t call me Mr. Rogers, but it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. You know what I’m sayin’? You know what I’m sayin’?” Then your Martin Lawrence comes out. “Deeamn Gina!” You don’t even know if her name is Gina. You don't even know who the hell she is. But, you continue to keep on, keep keepin' on. You start saying some really perverted stuff like, "Mmm girl, you got my crotch moaning and groaning. You got it groining. I just made up a new word. You make me want to be a rapper. For rizzle."

        Quickly approaching, about 30 yards away, you say something like, "Awww yeah. Awww yeah. Awww...no. That's a man. That is a man with a pony tail." You're so disgusted with yourself. "I can't believe I misread that. I can't believe I thought this guy was a chick. I can't believe...how tone he is. He must do a lot of squats. Because you don't get an ass like that just by jogging. Good for him. Good for his ass."

        You finally come within 20 feet of this guy. Then you realize, "Oh shit. I can't believe this...It's my Uncle Billy. Son of a bitch." Completely embarrassed and ashamed, you proceed to roll down the window, "Hey Uncle Billy! Lookin' good! You've been doing squats, haven't you? I knew it!" Then you turn to your wife who has been sitting next to you the whole time, "Say hello to Uncle Billy, honey." She just shakes her head and says, "There's something seriously wrong with you."

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Some Women

This is about some women.

It's easy for some women to say to men, "You don't understand." It's easy to say because it's almost entirely true--it's almost a full proof argument. Men don't know what it feels like to have a period or give birth or go through one of the many things that only women have to endure. However, women shouldn't be able to use the "You don't understand" line, if it in fact can be comprehended by a man. Here is a little scenario which encompasses the types of rebuttals or responses that women use.

WOMAN
You don't even know.

MAN
Alright. Well, explain it to me then. I want to know.

WOMAN
I just...

MAN
You just what?

WOMAN
I just can't.

MAN
You just can't?

WOMAN
I can't even.

MAN
You can't even what?

WOMAN
I just can't even.

MAN
You just can't even...?

WOMAN
I can't deal.

MAN
So, you just can't even deal?

WOMAN
Exactly.

MAN
Oh...You just can't even deal with what?

WOMAN
I just can't even deal...with the Philadelphia Eagles losing to the San Francisco 49ers.

MAN
Awww, honey. Is that what all the fuss is about? It'll be alright. I feel the same way. There were just way too many incomplete passes and missed opportunities. Look, if you want, we could do a recap of the game and see how we can do better next time.

WOMAN
I can deal with that.