Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The word "So"


There is a little bit of negativity surrounding the word, "So". Here are five different ways that "So" can be used.

1. So-and-so
2. So-So
3. So...(dot, dot, dot = awkward)
4. So called, blah, blah, blah (replace the blahs with appropriate words)
5. So good (but not really, sarcastic kind of "so")

Here is a scenario that exemplifies what I'm talking about.

1. Interior Comedy Club - Night

Life partners Steve & Robbie are sitting at a little lounge table enjoying Cosmopolitan cocktails. They just got done watching a comedian perform.

What did you think of so-and-so?

I think his name is Doug.

Does it really matter?

Haha. No. I guess not. He

A waiter approaches Steve and Robbie.

How's everything?


What did you guys think of Doug?

He was so--

WAITER (Proud)
He's my brother.

So good.

So, so good.

Really? Thanks guys. I'll let him know. Actually, I helped him write some of those jokes.

You don't say. Well, you should just go right ahead and quit your day job.




WAITER (Exuberant)
Really? You think I should? You do. Don't you? You know what, you're right. I should so quit. I'm going to quit right now!

The waiter rips off his apron and runs off.

I quit!

He so should have kept his job.

So should have kept it. Now he can run off with his so-called comedian brother and get laughed at for not being so funny.


Haha. Yeah. The funniest part of Doug's set was when he froze up and it got really quiet. Then he said, "So..."

Yeah. That was awkward. I laughed so hard at that.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


Belief is important. Without belief, we have no reason to live. When I was at work, I looked at my desk and found some things that I believe in.

1. I believe in true love. These are a couple of pictures that I have showcased on my desk.

2. I believe in President Barack Obama. And I believe in America.

3. I believe in fresh breath (You're welcome Orbit).

4. I believe in rock n roll and my guitar.

5. I believe in a good moisturizer.

6. I believe in a good bromance. This is my current background on my desktop.

7. I believe in President Barack Obama and America, again.

- Ryan

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I wonder

I'm going to preface by saying sometimes we as humans can think of some pretty messed up things. Also, epilepsy is a serious disorder and is nothing to laugh about. Without further ado (let's be honest though, no one can tolerate plain old ado let alone further ado), I present to you a little story that I wrote; well, a story that I'm about to write, right now. It might be sad.

Very Unfortunate Viola

A long time ago in the 1980s, Viola was just a little girl. Sylvia, Viola's mother, had to bring Viola to work with her down town at the Ballroom; because her babysitter a.k.a. father just got locked up. The Ballroom was a nice little erotic discotheque in the heart of a dangerous city. The whole night Sylvia thought that Viola was content just sitting there wide eyed, shaking out of beat to the music. It could have been because of the cocaine debris floating in the air. But no, it was due to the sight of the spinning discoballs which caused Viola to have a seizure. That was the first and last time that Sylvia brought Viola to the discotheque; because of the dangerous disco balls of course.

Later on in life when Viola was a teenager, she met a goth kid named Zachariah. She could relate to his dark interior which mirrored his dark exterior and his eye liner. However, one day Zachariah started going to the technotheque: a techno club. He changed his name to Zak and started dressing in fluorescent colored clothes. Oh, and he dyed his hair a very vibrant coral color. One day Zak asked Viola, "Do you want to see something cool?" Viola replied, "No." But Zak(ariah) showed her anyway. He whipped out two glow sticks and started spinning them around like he was a jester on crack. Viola immediately dropped to the ground and had a seizure. That was the last time Viola saw Zak.

When Viola was in her twenties, she moved to a nice little suburb and started her life over. She met a nice guy named Nick. One night Nick brought Viola to the highest peak in the town. Nick said, "I have something special to show you." Nick reached into his pocket. Viola said, "Dear God no." Nick pulled out a small nautical spyglass telescope and a map. "I mean, dear God, has ever showed me something this special" said Viola. Nick looked into the sky with the telescope. "I had a star named after you. Here, take a look" said Nick. Nick handed Viola the telescope. She looked up into the sky and saw the most beautiful, twinkling star. Then she had a seizure. That was the last time she saw Nick.

One day Viola finally found happiness and true love. Her boyfriend Lionel brought her to a park where they had a picnic. The sky was blue and the sun bursted with joyful little rays of fire and passion. When the time was right Lionel got down on one knee, pulled out a huge sparkling diamond ring and said, "Viola. Will you marry me?" Viola smiled and stared at the sparkling diamond ring. Lionel endured a long and awkward pause. Lionel exclaimed, "Ouch. I think I'm kneeling on a rock. Haha...So...Oh my God! Are you having a seizure?" Viola didn't answer Lionel because yes, she was having a seizure. When Viola came out of it, Lionel was right there by her side. Viola looked up at Lionel and said, "Yes. I'll marry you. Because no discoball, glow stick, shining star, or sparkling diamond ring can stop true love." They kissed long and passionately. Then they lived happily ever after.

Writer's notes: I believe I'm going to hell.

- Ryan

Monday, November 7, 2011

The Weekend Wrap Up

I learned some pretty valuable things over this long but not long enough (that is not what she said) weekend. I'm not going to be stingy with my knowledge. That's why I'm going to share it with the world. Let's get started.

A) It's probably not a good idea to eat a chicken cutlet sandwich & fried pickles after you just busted your ass at the gym. For one, you might find yourself busting your ass in the bathroom afterwards. Hopefully one set, one rep. Secondly, it's just not that healthy. However, those fried pickles were delicious. I think I'll just eat them before I do something active. Perfect. Problem solved.

B) A shot at redemption: So, I bought boxing gloves and tested them out on the punching bag at the gym. I was doing pretty well, showing that bag who the real sensei was. Then, in walked a senior citizen. He was atleast 68 years old. We'll call him Mickie. Mickie said something to me but I couldn't hear him clearly. Mind you, my ears were ringing a little bit because I had just head butted the punching bag. However, I think he said something like, "Give it up" or "Give it a rest". He smiled and I laughed it off. I was wondering what Mickie was doing in the boxing area. Then, he whipped out his hand wraps and wrapped up his hands. And I said to myself, "Check it out. This old timer is going to throw some fists at leather (I'm pretty sure that's the terminology that boxers use). Then he's going to throw out his hip." But right as I was about to say "hip", Mickie walked up to the speed bag and started speed bagging the hell out of that bag; like he was Rocky Balboa. So, what did I do? I started kicking the punching bag like I was Jean Claude Van Damme from his classic film Kickboxer. Then I grabbed my shin and fell to the ground. But I played it off like I was just stretching then turned it into a backwards tumble and stood back up. However, I fell back to the ground because I was still in pain. Then I proceeded to fall, stretch, backward tumble until I made it out of the room. Moral of the story: Don't discriminate against senior citizens...unless you're entirely sure they fit the stereotype. Administer the speed bag test if you have to.

C) I attended a wedding this weekend. I could barely hear the priest (maybe I should get my hearing checked). However, I did hear him make some Three Little Pigs/Big Bad Wolf analogy regarding marriage. I wasn't that impressed with it though. I'm a realist and I think if you can't maintain a stable home because some wolf keeps blowing it down, then you got bigger, badder problems on your hands. Chances are your marriage is just fine. It's the wolf that's the problem. Just get a shotgun and shoot the wolf. Is that animal cruelty? Maybe. But, if the wolf would just get a real job or a hobby then he wouldn't face such scrutiny. I mean, he goes around terrorizing three innocent pigs, a girl with a red hood, and a senior citizen. Next time he's going to mess with the wrong senior citizen like Mickie and get knocked the hell out. Let me get back to the animal cruelty thing. Maybe the BBW (Big Bad Wolf) is justified. Maybe he's just sticking up for the little pigs. Everyone wants to build a stable home for their family. But, you can't just go around turning pigs into carpenters and brick layers. That's just weird. There are practical ways of going about it. Try a real contractor. Moral of the story: Priests shouldn't make terrible analogies, period.(period)

- RyBread

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Not at my expense

Some people just love to complain. They are the type of people that get nicknames; and not good nicknames mind you. For instance, there is this one lady that comes in from time to time. We'll call her Eileen or...Cryleen. She makes her life seem sadder than a depressed crack head with Alzheimer's who just realized that she forgot to pay her drug dealer and that's why her kneecaps are broken. But trust me, her life isn't any sadder than yours or mine. She just chooses to make every day sound like her worst day. You know that age old question, "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Well, that doesn't make any sense because there will always be someone around to hear it and her name is Eileen. Not only will the tree fall, but it will somehow fall on her. That would be some form of hell for her because she wouldn't be able to complain to anyone. Then again, she'd probably just complain to the trees. Yep, she's something else. This is kind of how it goes down whenever Cryleen shows up. She'll open the door and enter my office.

Awwwwwww man. Heaviest door ever! Who put this door here? This door belongs in a castle. Look out everyone! I'm breaching the castle gates! Haha.

People cringe at the very sight of her. Then they drop to the floor and hide under their desks. I look around and realize that I'm the only one left.

Who is that handsome fellow?

I look around the room, pretending that I don't know that she's talking to me

ME (Not at all surprised)
Oh hello Eileen. What a pleasant surprise.

She doesn't give me a chance to ask her how she's doing.

Ugh! Did I tell you about my damaged left rotator cuff?

Um, yeah. I believe you did tell...

No? Well, I did a number on it. Ugh! And my knees. I could barely walk in here today. And that door. Let me tell you about that door.

ME (A little sarcastic)
Yeah. It's like it belongs in a castle or something.

That's what I was saying! I literally just said that. Weird. Ugh! Don't get old Ryan. Don't do it.

I won't.

I try to look away from her and return to my computer so I can finish my work.

Let me tell you why you shouldn't get old.

Bursting with excitement (I mean irritation) I slowly tilt my head back up and listen to her ramble on. Occasionally I nod my head or say something like, "Yeah" or "You don't say" (hoping that maybe she don't say anything else).

Ugh! If you had my back...

ME (Brainstorming in my brain)
First of all, I would never have your back; especially not in a fight. You're falling apart for crying out loud Cryleen. You certainly wouldn't have my back. The only time you would have my back is if I was giving you a piggy back ride. And then you'd still have the nerve to complain about your own back.

I think I have arthritis in both of my hands. I'm hurting all over.

ME (Brainstorming again)
Really? My ears hurt. Do you care? No.

Aww man. It looks like I finished early today. I guess I better head over to the other office.

Oh wow. That sucks (Please don't go?)

She didn't actually leave at that very moment. The conversation carried on for quite some time. And when I say conversation, I mean the conversation that she had with herself. I got two words in (or two syllables if you will) and they were "buh" & "bye".

Progression of the conversation through Facial Expressions:

This is what I looked like when I heard Eileen's voice from behind me.

This is me verifying that it is in fact Eileen.

Me smiling at Eileen; happy to see her.

Me listening to Eileen.

Me resting my face on my fist.
"Oh really Eileen? Really?"
Hmm. I wonder what Hulking out feels like.
Oh. This is what Hulking out feels like.
Maybe if I give her the Deniro, she'll stop complaining...No, she just said I look more handsome; handsomer. I can't say I disagree.