Friday, December 27, 2013

This Is So Us: Insert Both Feet Into Mouth

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

BRIAN is lounging, sprawled out all over the couch, watching television. He's only wearing boxer shorts. AVA walks through the door.


BRIAN
There she is, my lady, my lass, my love!


AVA
Ugh...Work sucks.

BRIAN
I know..."She left me roses by the stairs. Surprises let's me know--"

AVA
Please don't. No singing.

BRIAN
I'm serenading you (pronounces it serenodding).

AVA
Whatever.

AVA walks through the living room and heads toward the dining room. However, she trips and falls.

BRIAN
Why you trippin'? Haha!

AVA
Damn it!
Ava stands up and realizes that she tripped over a pair of Brian's pants.


AVA
What the hell are your pants doing in the middle of the floor?!

BRIAN
Oh don't try to act like you don't know my routine. When I come home from work I walk through the door and progressively remove every article of clothing except my boxer shorts. I do all of this in a fluid motion so I can get from the door to the couch all the while removing my clothes in a timely fashion. Time management, Ava. Fit it into your schedule.

AVA
I'm about to fit my foot in your ass. I'll make time for that. I'll make time for that all day.

BRIAN
Pfft. It wouldn't be the first time. Wait, what?

AVA
Seriously though Brian, I really don't ask for much. Why can't you just put your clothes in the hamper? Why?! Or at the very least put them off to the side...neatly.

BRIAN
Oh okay Ava. Oh okay! I'm so terrible. No, no, I'm so terrible!

AVA
Yup.

BRIAN
It could be a lot worse. Do you know what I just saw on the news?

AVA
People that know how to keep their pants on?

BRIAN
Guess again.

AVA
A kitten that put out a small house fire with a bowl of milk?

BRIAN
Wow. Yes, actually, I did see that. It was amazing. But you know what else I saw? I saw people doing drugs, people doing other people for drugs, junkies, jokers, smokers, midnight tokers, alcoholics, scallywags, hornswogglers, crooks, creeps, cheaters, killers, crooked politicians, politicians with crooked looking faces, hoarders, and people with terrible, terrible fashion sense. Look at my pants. I wear non-pleated Docker slacks. I don't beat you, I don't cheat on you, and I don't do drugs. I would say...you're one lucky gal.


Brian continues to lounge with one hand down his pants. Ava stares in amazement.


BRIAN
So, what's for dinner?
 
CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - EVENING

Brian is standing at the stove. He's sporting his boxer shorts, a Betty Boop apron and a sourpuss expression on his face.


BRIAN
So, surf and turf? Great choice. Do you really want Bearnaise sauce though? I was thinking more like a white wine reduction. No? No problem. Bearnaise it is. I'm sure we have some fresh tarragon around here somewhere.


FADE OUT:

Thursday, December 19, 2013

This Is So Us: Driving to Meet a Friend

(This piece consists of both fictional & non-fictional material)

INT. CAR - DAY


AVA and BRIAN, a married couple, are on their way to meet a friend for lunch. Ava is driving. They're in mid-conversation.



BRIAN
Doug has nice hair.


AVA
I agree. It looks really nice when it's cut short.


BRIAN
Oh yeah? You think so? I kind of like it when he rocks it out and it gets all shaggy.


AVA
You just want to live vicariously through him.


BRIAN
Um, no. I live...through myself.


AVA
No...you don't.


BRIAN
Look, if I want to rock out my hair, then I'ma rock it out. I don't need to watch someone else rock their hair out and picture myself with their rocked out hair.


AVA
First of all, please stop referring to long hair as rocked out hair. Second of all, I'm the one who has to look at you. And trust me, it's not an easy task when your hair adds unnecessary volume to your otherwise abnormally large head.


BRIAN
Whoa...So you admit my hair has volume? I'm telling you, it's a nice head of hair. It's very full.

AVA
Yes, your head is very full.

BRIAN
Thank you.

AVA
You look more handsome when it's shorter and cleaned up though.

Brian puts down the sun visor and flips open the mirror.



BRIAN
I must agree...Oh no.

AVA
What's wrong?

BRIAN
I found a gray hair.

AVA
Here, I'll just pluck it out.

BRIAN
No! Pluck one, then five more grow in. That's a fact.

AVA
I don't think that's how it works. Let me get a good look at it. Oh hey, there it is. It's more white than gray. 

Ava attempts to pull it out.



BRIAN
Ouch! You pulled out the wrong hair! Now I'm going to need a hair plug! 

AVA
Relax.

BRIAN
Nope. This is all your fault anyway. You're the reason I have this gray hair. And now you want to give me more. Do me a favor and just keep your eyes on the road and your mangy mitts off of my busted mane.

AVA
Fine!

Ava and Brian sit in silence for a few moments. Suddenly, Ava is unable to contain her obsession with pulling out Brian's gray hair and attacks Brian. Brian turns, smashes his face against the window and screams like a woman.



FADE OUT:

Saturday, December 14, 2013

TV Shows That Should Be Produced

1. Long Lost Brohan

It's a dramedy about Frank, an American truck driver who accidentally smuggles in a man named Brohan, who happens to be his long lost Mexican twin brother. Frank is conflicted with following his morals or following his heart when he finds out that Brohan is on Mexico's Most Wanted list. Both roles will be played by Christopher Walken.


2. Phillip and the Shpants


It's a drama/fantasy about Phil, a tailor who hates midgets. One day Phil finds a magic time traveling coin in the pocket of a pair of short pants that he's hemming. He finds himself stuck in a land inhabited by midgets who happen to hate average sized humans who are tailors. The role of Phil will be played by Danny Devito. All of the midgets will be played by different versions of Will Ferrell.


3. Pink is the New White: The Arctic Ninja


Neil is a snow ninja and he always wears a white ninja suit. One day his mother accidentally washes his suit with a load of red clothes. Ut oh. Now his suit is pink. To make matters worse, Neil's mother is sick. Therefore, Neil has to go on a journey to acquire a special herb so his mother can live. Time is ticking and Neil has to get to the top of the mountain, unnoticed by the evil snow ninja. He just might get heckled on the way because of his pink suit. Then again, he might question his sexuality on this voyage. But, who knows? He just might take a liking to the new pink. Neil will be played by Charlie Day. His mother will be played by Betty White.


4. Don't Fill In That Hole


Chuckie has everything going for him. After watching Forrest Gump, Chuckie gets inspired and goes for a run in the middle of no where. Suddenly Chuckie falls into a sink hole. He awakes and finds himself in a land that's a cross between Fraggle Rock and the movie Labyrinth. Did he bump his head? Is he just dreaming? Or did he actually find some underground world? Or is he dead? Maybe there's some mysterious gas burning underground and he's just high as all hell. Either way, some villainous contractor is going to want to buy the land and fill in that hole. Chuckie needs to find a way out of this dream, find a way out of this world he fell into, or both. The role of Chuckie will be played by Michael Richards (a.k.a. Kramer from Seinfeld).


5. Write On, Man


Bonnie is a bona fide starving artist. She's a screenplay writer and she hasn't eaten in days. One night Bonnie gets drunk, watches Good Will Hunting, and gets pissed off because no one wants to buy any of her scripts. However, she finds inspiration in Good Will Hunting and decides that she's going to become a janitor in one of the movie studios near her house. When the time is right, she's going to write out an entire script on a dry erase board where everyone can see. Conflicts: Maybe they don't use dry erase boards. Maybe they use chalk boards and Bonnie doesn't bring a single stick of chalk. Maybe they can tell that Bonnie isn't really a janitor and get suspicious of her and the fact that she carries around Screenwriting For Dummies. I don't know. The role of Bonnie will be played by Amanda Bynes.