Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Acceptance Speeches & Music

Interrupted by Music:
I find it interesting that the proper etiquette for nudging people off of a stage while their giving an acceptance speech is to drown them out with music. To be honest, I think it shouldn’t stop there. It should be part of everyday situations.


QUESTIONS & COMMENTS:

INT. HOME – DAY
KEITH is eating yogurt.
KEITH
(Voice over)
This is the best God damn yogurt I’ve ever tasted. I really need to thank someone. Someone needs to know that they’re doing a good job. What’s this?

Keith looks at the yogurt container and it says, “We welcome your questions & comments. 
Please call 1-800-1YOGURT”.

CUT TO:
INT. HOME – DAY
KEITH is on the phone.

KEITH
I can’t say it enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Without this yogurt, I wouldn’t be who I am today. My breakfast wouldn’t be well balanced. I’m going to put you on speaker phone because I can’t eat yogurt and hold the phone at the same time.

Keith puts his phone on speaker and places it on the table.
KEITH
Sometimes I add a little granola to my yogurt; a little nola to my yoag. Do you do anything special with your yogurt? Have you ever tried poking a straw right through the foil and slurping it?

Keith jams a straw into a yogurt and slurps.

KEITH
It’s good.

YOGURT REP
I can’t say that I’ve tried that before. Look, I appreciate the comments, questions and suggestions. However, we’ve been on the line for about an hour and—

KEITH
Can you over dose on this yogurt? Is that possible?

CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Yogurt Rep is sitting at his desk with his headset on.

YOGURT REP
I think too much of anything isn’t good for you. And I certainly wouldn’t snort the yogurt.

CUT TO:
INT. HOME – DAY
Keith has yogurt around his nose.

KEITH
Yeah. It’s not as cool as it sounds. If you could hold on for just a little longer. I just have a few more shout outs. I’d like to thank the scientist who came up with the yogurt recipe. And if you could let the CEO know that he’ll always have me as a customer. Oh, and I’d like to thank the factory workers or machines/robots and the people that control the robots. I’ve always wanted to meet a robot. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to—

SOUND OF CLASSICAL MUSIC FADING IN.

KEITH
Okay, okay. I’m running out of time. Can you hear me? It's kind of hard to talk over this music. Hello?

MUSIC GETS LOUDER AND LOUDER, DROWNING KEITH OUT.




OPEN MIC NIGHT:
INT. CAFÉ - NIGHT

NICK & TOM, folk singers, rock out the last five seconds of their set. The crowd claps and cheers.

NICK & TOM
Thank you.

NICK
Thank you so much!

TOM
Thank you so, so much!

Claps and cheers die down.

NICK
I just want to say, we appreciate you guys coming out tonight. We hope you enjoyed yourselves. We sure did. I’d like to take a moment to thank our mothers. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them. I mean that in the literal sense and the other literal sense.

TOM
Literal sensi.

NICK
A double entendre if you will. Our moms conceived us and they drove us here. So, thank you moms.

Tom walks over to Nick’s microphone.

TOM
Yeah, thank you. We love you. Furthermore, I think we should take a moment to thank our managers for landing us this wonderful gig. So…thanks again mom and mom.

NICK
Ditto.

Tom looks at the very back of the room.

TOM
Hey mom. There’s a pretty lady in the front row here. Take a look and tell me if she’s marriage material…What’s that? Yeah, I know. She’s nothing special, but…

Tom looks at the girl.

TOM
I’m sorry. It’s not going to work out between us. Thanks for coming though.


NICK
That’s what she said. I’m just kidding. She never said that.

TOM
Actually, there was that one time when she did say that. Remember?

NICK
Oh right. There was that one time. But I digress. Moving on, I’d like to thank my dogs, Chuck & Bruce, for always giving me constructive criticism and for being my best friends; a man’s best friends…ladies.

TOM
I thought I was your best friend.

NICK
That’s debatable. I’ll have to see what Chuck and Bruce have to say about that. Listen up people; we appreciate you supporting our music. But, now we need you to support us in a different way. There’s a basket going around; much like the kind you’d find in a church. Actually, it is from church. Thank you Father Sebastian.

TOM
Don’t be shy people. And please, no loose change, just dollar bills. It’s going towards a good cause. I got into a bad accident…band accident…a Rock Band accident last week. I was rocking out, probably a little too hard, and I took a mean spill. Plus I think I have arthritis in my right hand. But that might be from something completely unrelated.

NICK
Thanks again folks. Are we forgetting to thank anyone?

TOM
(Counting with his fingers)
We got our moms, the fans…

NICK
The fans, yeah, we got the fans.

TOM
Chuck and Bruce.

NICK
Check.

TOM
No, Chuck.

NICK
No, I was saying check as in “Check, yes, we thanked them.”

TOM
Oh.

MUSIC FADES IN AND CUTS THEM OFF, MUCH LIKE AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS.

NICK
Whoa! What’s with the music?

TOM
Umm, that’s rather rude. We’re not finished with our speech. Who are these cantankerous beings promoting this, this tomfoolery?

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT INTO A WIDE SHOT REVEALING THE OTHER BAND MEMBERS, JACK & COLLIN, WHO ARE PLAYING THEIR INSTRUMENTS.

JACK
It’s us…the rest of the band, over here, behind you.

COLLIN
Are you guys going to let us speak or…?

NICK
Um.

TOM
Well…I guess that would be acceptable. Sure, why not?

NICK
Sure, why not? Why not? Sure. Go for it.

JACK
I’ll go first.

COLLIN
Wait. Why do you get to go first?

MUSIC FROM THE SPEAKERS FADES IN, DROWNING OUT THE BAND COMPLETELY.
The audience disperses along with the café workers.

FADE OUT:

Friday, February 24, 2012

More Thought & Concerns

The Amish & Their Marshmallows:
A co-worker of mine confessed his desire for a Lucky Charms cereal that consists of just the marshmallow charms. Fortunately enough, you can find a bag full of marshmallow charms at your local Amish market. So, I shared my wealth of marshmallow charm knowledge with my co-worker and he nearly jumped over a rainbow with excitement. Then I thought to myself, “What process do the Amish use to fill such big bags with marshmallow charms?” I mean, are there Amish children in the back tearing into boxes of Lucky Charms, separating the marshmallows from the toasted oat-based pieces? I’m going to take a wild guess and say the answer is yes, or “yay”, as our Amish friends would say. Also, are the marshmallow pickers in cahoots with the Amish children in the barn who are milking cows? Do they meet up at the end day and eat marshmallow charm cereal together? Are they like, “I’ll score some marshmallow charms. You score some milk. And we’ll meet up later behind the school house. Look Ezekiel, I don’t care how dry the cows are. Just get me my milk. Milk something, anything.” It’s no wonder they can work all day long and stay awake. It’s because they’re all hopped up on marshmallow treats. I wonder if they have their own Amish version of rock-paper-scissors, like, limestone-papyrus-sickle.

Selfish Sneezers:

Years ago it seemed as though people would sneeze once and you’d say, “God bless you” or “Bless you”. It was more than just a social formality; it was how we exemplified proper etiquette. It was part of our belief system. But, lately I’ve noticed that people are sneezing more than one time. It’s more like two times, three times, four times and sometimes more…times. My feeling on the topic is that I can’t go around blessing people all day. It becomes a bit redundant to the point where my blessings are simply insipid words. Take some medication if you have allergies. The fact that you’re sneezing all over the place knowing damn well that you have allergies and aren’t taking medication makes you look like a selfish sneezer. Well, I can be selfish too. You can listen for a “Bless you” after you sneeze five times. But it won’t be coming from me. The only thing coming from me will be a glare followed by a sad expression. And you will know that at that very moment, not only will I be mad, but I will be very, very disappointed.

Breakfast Club Conversation:

So I says to a co-worker “Yeah, so I told my wife to go fix me a turkey pot pie.” Then he said, “Oh really? And did she pull the frozen pot pie out of the freezer and chuck it at your head.” Realizing that it is in fact the year 2012 and you can’t talk to women like that anymore, I concurred and went about my day.

Bloodsport:

This has to be the most played movie on television. Hell, I must have seen it about one thousand times. At least I know when all else fails and there isn’t anything else to watch on the television, Bloodsport will be there waiting for me; sometimes on more than one station.

Late Fees:

Some companies like to give you a good deal initially. Then they’ll hit you up with outrageous late fees. It’s interesting to think about. These companies must be saying something like, “Well, we’ll give them a good deal. However, they are lazy Americans. Therefore, we can just rape them with late fees because they sure as hell aren’t going to return the goods on time.” That’s sad. They have to rely on our laziness to make a buck, until one day we’ll be too lazy to leave our houses to pick up a movie. Then they’ll go out of business. I guess that’s what happened to Block Buster and Hollywood Video. Someone named Netflix came up with a more convenient and efficient way for us rent movies; which requires minimal movement or muscle function. I mean, there is some mobility required. You do in fact have to walk to get your mail. However, there are a lot of things you can watch right in your Instant Queue. In that case, you can just lay there, place a pillow on your stomach, place the remote on the pillow and control your cinematic experience with the greatest of ease; with hardly any movement.

Rod Stewart vs. Fred from Right Said Fred:

Who’s sexier? Who’s too sexy? One could make the argument that neither is. Just saying.
The Fake Kind of Cool:
Sometimes people can convey a sense of awkwardness by using one word, and that word is “cool”. You could be having a conversation with someone and they’ll say, “I went naked scuba diving this weekend.” Depending on how you feel about naked scuba diving, your response could be “Cool” or “Kewl (pronounced Kee-ool, like mule, but with a “k”).” If you really thought it was cool you’d say, “That’s cool” or “That’s really cool.” But if you didn’t think it was cool but felt compelled to say cool, then you would have said, “Kewl” or “That’s kewl (Almost dragging it out with some sort of accent).” This is how you can tell if someone really thinks that something is “cool”.

You da man:

I love the fact that people still say, “You da man.” It used to be a serious compliment like, “Chaz, great punt return. You da man.” And I bet Chaz even felt like he was in fact “da man”. But, today it’s something that middle aged people say because they think it’s cool…or kewl. It’s also something the younger generation might say. However, they use it in a condescending tone. So look out for that, middle aged peeps.

Dumping A Deuce: There are always new ways of expressing what you’re feeling. When people have to take a crap they say, “I have to drop a deuce” or “I have to take a dump” (among other fine expressions). Well, I decided to change it up a little bit. From now on I’m going to say, “I have to dump a deuce.” However, it can be used in other instances. For example if I was someone’s boss and I had to fire them I would say, “I hate to be the bearer of bad deuces. But I have no choice but to dump this deuce on you. You’re fired” or “There’s nothing I would want to do less than dump a deuce like this on you. But…you’re fired” or “Listen. I’m dumping a deuce…and it’s on you. You’re fired.” Who knows, it could be the next reality TV show. Bosses go around firing insubordinate employees and proclaim, “You just got Deuce Dumped!”



- Ryan

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Mr. Indecisive

SNL type of skit.


EXT. EDGE OF A CLIFF - DAY

TIM has his arms hanging over the edge of a cliff grasping onto his wife WENDY and his best friend PITTSEY, who are struggling to hold on too.

TIM
(panicking)
Don't worry! I'll save you both!

PITTSEY
Don't be a fool Tim! You can't possibly save us both! Let me go and save your wife!

TIM
Look, just hang in there! I'm sorry. Pun definitely not intended.

WENDY
What's wrong with you!? Can you be serious just once!?

TIM
Sorry. Just relax. I'm going to pull you both up.

Tim strains like a body builder and tries pulling them up, but he doesn't make any progress.

TIM
Pittsey listen to me, I just want you know that....you're right. I can't pull you both up. I used up most of my strength and I can only hold on for like another minute, tops.

PITTSEY
You know what? I don't want to die. Save me instead.

WENDY
What!? Tim, I am your wife!

PITTSEY
Yeah, but, I knew him first. We've been friends for twenty years. Plus, I introduced the two of you. And, I can introduce him to his next wife. Tim, do remember that barista from the cafe?

TIM
Vaguely. 5'5", mocha skin, dark brown hair, luscious lips, and that cute little mole on her right cheek. Oh, and she had huge boobs, right? I likes me some whole milk in my latte.

PITTSEY
That's the girl. Well, she totally digs you and I can set you up with her.

WENDY
Tim, you'll never find a lover better than me.

PITTSEY
"Than I". Don't listen to her Tim. Hey, remember that little thing we had going on in college Freshmen year? We had some fun didn't we? I'm up for it again, if you're up for it.

WENDY
(Appalled)
Ewww.

TIM
(Embarassed)
Umm. We were confused then. That's all in the past anyway. Haha.

PITTSEY
Just saying. Keep it in mind.

WENDY
So now you have some dirty little secrets Timmy!?

TIM
It's funny you should mention that Wendy. Or should I call you Mrs...Wendy...Pittsey. That's right. I know that you've been two timing me for nearly a year now with my best friend, Pittsey. Well, well, well. It looks like there's only one thing left to do. I have to let you go...The both of you.

PITTSEY & WENDY
(In slow motion)
No!

Tim lets go of Wendy and Pittsey..

SOUND OF CLAPPING. THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT, REVEALING A MALE THERAPIST IN AN OFFICE WITH A FAKE CLIFF AND A BACKDROP OF A SKY. Pittsey and Wendy are fine and stand a few feet below the prop.

THERAPIST
Great job Tim! You were able to make a decision in the harshest of circumstances. I'll need you to come back next week for a final evaluation. But, I can confidentally say that this should be our last intense therapy session. Congrats!

TIM
That's just amazing. You know, I feel good. I feel really good, like I'm cleansed. You know what I'm saying? There's no turning back now.

THERAPIST
Keep up the good work. I'll see you next week.

Pittsey walks up to Tim.

PITTSEY
Way to go buddy. That was pretty convincing. Like, when you said, "I'll save you both!" I was like, whoa, he's really going to save us. But then...you didn't.

TIM
Thanks man. So Pittsey, are you really going to hook me up with that barista or what?

PITTSEY
You know it buddy.

TIM
My man! Let's go grab some lattes.

PITTSEY
Let's do it. We have some celebrating to do. Hey Wendy, we'll be home later okay sweetie?

WENDY
Sounds good. I'll make you boys some chocolate chip cookies.

THERAPIST
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Tim, what the hell are you doing?

TIM
What?

THERAPIST
You're not exactly letting them go. And you two, you're just enabling him. You're screwing with his head!

Tim, Pittsey, and Wendy all look at each other with confusion.

WENDY
Do you believe this guy?

TIM
Sounds like the therapist needs some therapy. Let's get the hell out of here guys.

PITTSEY
You're going to be alright Tim. I'll find you a real doctor, like Dr. Phil.

Tim, Pittsey, and Wendy head for the exit. The therapist throws his folder into the air.

FADE OUT:



- Ryan