Monday, July 23, 2012

The Shit Gauger

How does one gauge shit? No, seriously though. How does one gauge shit? People just love throwing around the word "shit". It's commonplace these days to abuse the shit out of the word "shit". How did we get this far and how did everything get so shitty? Here are some examples of what I'm talking about:

1. Holy shit: Every time we drop this load, I'm sure God says to himself, "Now ain't that some shit. Whatchu know 'bout holy shits? You don't know nothin' 'bout my shits!" I mean, I have to side with God on this one. Who are we to say something is holy, let alone "shit". I can see if I walked in on a priest taking a dump. That's probably the holiest kind of shit that we're going to find on Earth. Nope, scratch that. I bet the Pope has the holiest shit on Earth. Oh yeah, thank you God for giving us this wonderful capability.

2. I don't give a shit: Of course I don't give a shit. That's just disgusting. Who gives shits? And if you feel the need to voice how many shits you don't give, don't, just don't okay? Because if you don't give one shit, then I think it's pretty clear that you're not going to give any more shits. "Um, yes, I give two and a half shits about this topic." Thanks for your opinion. Now go wipe the shit  from your metaphorical ass.

3. When shit hits the fan: Why? Why would shit ever have to hit a fan? The expression is referring to ceiling fans by the way. And gravity will not let shit hit fans. But somehow someone in the course of history had to prove gravity wrong. "I'm going to prove gravity wrong. Shit will hit this fan. E=mcTurd...McTurd" ~ Albert Einstein. I mean, shit can hit a floor fan. I don't see why it would ever have to. My main concern is, why are people getting so mad that they shit themselves? That's what the expression is getting at, right? Was there some type of epidemic back in the day called the Great Shit Fan Epidemic of 1893. I mean, how much shit would have to hit the fan for us to know that we're in deep shit?

Mom: Listen up kids, Uncle Milton is coming over for dinner. As you know, he shits when he's mad. So don't piss him off or shit him off and steer clear of fans because, shit might hit them.

Me: Um, mom, I give at least a dozen shits that Uncle Milton is ruining our Hampton Bay fans.

Mom: I don't want to hear your shit.

Me: Yeah, neither do I. But I'll do it just to prove a point.

- Ryan