Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I'm not one to...

The phrase, “I’m not one to…” is usually followed up with something ordinary, something commonplace. For example, “I’m not one to toot my own horn but I make an excellent crème brulee.” Whilst brainstorming, I came up with some different endings to this “I’m not one to…” phrase.

1.      I’m not one to toot my own horn…Okay, I’m lying. I tried it once. It didn’t end well. My doctor says I should refrain from doing any kind of yoga or bowing in karate classes. “I don’t mean any disrespect sensei, but it’s the doctor’s orders.”

2.      I’m not one to beat…a dead horse but if that horse turns into a zombie then I’m going to beat it and/or shoot it.

3.      I’m not one to...rain on someone’s parade, but if it’s an anti-Ryan Coleman parade, then I’m going to find a way to rain on it.

4.      I’m not one to steal…a baby, but I would have totally stolen baby Jesus—giving me the name “Baby Jesus’ Savior”. Bow down to me…only if your doctor says it’s okay.

5.      I’m not one to dunk…my donut into someone else’s coffee, but she is one piping hot cup of java…if you know what I’m saying.

6.      I’m not one to brag…about my nipples, but they’re really hard and really cute looking.

7.      I’m not one to hump a tree but sometimes being a tree hugger isn’t good enough.

8.      I’m not one to promote bath salts but I’m pretty sure America is ready for a zombie outbreak. Zombies are all the rage. There’s nothing trendier than zombies today—nothing.

9.      I’m not one to slap…a senior citizen, but sometimes they need a good slapping. What? Is that wrong? Oh I’m sorry I don’t have the excuse of being over 65. Senior citizens should get slapped around just like everybody else.

10.   I’m not one to finish abrup--

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Some Friends

      We all have two or more friends with the same first name. Take Steve for instance. I know a lot of guys named Steve. When I inputted their information into my phone, I had to give them all their own special label--because using their first name and last name wouldn't be as fun. And so we have Stoner Steve, Gay Steve, and Lumberjack Steve (because he's a lumberjack).
      One day Lumberjack Steve asked me if I would help him with the guest list for his upcoming party. I was much obliged. So, I looked through my phone and I proclaimed, "You must invite Stoner Steve and Gay Steve." And he replied, "I hate to break it to you but Stoner Steve is also gay. So, I thought to myself, "This will be an easy fix. I'll just change Stoner Steve to Gay Stoner Steve... Hmm...Then I would have two gay Steve's in my phone. That might get confusing. So I'll also have to change regular Gay Steve to...Gay Straight Steve because he doesn't do drugs. But wait, that just sounds like an oxymoron. He can't be gay and straight at the same time. Well, maybe if he was bisexual. But he's not. He's just straight gay--I mean fully gay. Hmm. How about Gay Clean Steve? No. That would insinuate that there is a Gay Dirty Steve somewhere out there. But I don't know of any Gay Dirty Steve. God damn it!" So I came to the conclusion that I had to get rid of one of the Gay Steve's. Not get rid of them get rid of them. But, defriend one of them. So I called up Gay Stoner Steve to give him the bad news--because regular Gay Steve came out of the closet first. So, he wins. Games are fun.

(Ring ring ring)


Gay Stoner Steve: Hey man.

Me: Listen Gay Stoner--I mean Steve. I hate to do this, but we can't be friends anymore.
Gay Stoner Steve: What? Why? Is it because I'm gay?
Me: Well, quite frankly, yes. 100% yes. I have nothing against gay people. It's just, that I know too many gay Steve's.
Gay Stoner Steve: So you don't have a problem with gay people. You just have a problem with gay people named Steve.
Me: Not exactly. Look, it's complicated. I'm sorry.

(Click)


      It wasn't the easiest thing I had to do in my life. Then again, it wasn't the hardest. That's what she said. Ho! Anywho. Lumberjack Steve and I got back to guest list. 

"So Steve, what kind of a party is this anyway," I asked.
"Oh, it's my coming out party," Steve exclaimed (from the rooftop). 
"I beg your pardon," I replied. 
"I'm coming out of the closet. I'm gay. Actually I just came out," replied Steve.
"When?"
"Like, right before you walked through that door."

I took out my phone and scrolled down to the name Lumberjack Steve. 

"Gay Lumberjack Steve? No fucking way," I exclaimed (from the rooftop).

Lisa & Herb

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

LISA walks through the door and places her things on the counter. She looks relieved to be home.

HERB
(VOICE OVER)
Honey?

HERB rushes into the kitchen. He’s sweaty.

LISA
Hey. What’s going on (Concerned)? Why are you sweating (really skeptical)?

HERB
I don’t want you to freak out but—

LISA
Don’t tell me you shit your pants at work and that’s why you’re home early.

HERB
What? Eww. That happened one time…maybe twice. Look, burritos and tickle fights don’t mix well. I know that now.

LISA
You know what else doesn't mix well? Tickle and fights…with your male co-workers. I really worry about you sometimes Herb.

HERB
Well worry no more, because Mitch and Don banned me from tickle fighting. They’re probably just scared that I’m going to win.

LISA
Or maybe they’re mad because you broke the first rule of Tickle Fight Club.

HERB
Don’t talk about Tickle Fight Club?

LISA
No. Don’t shit your pants. Herb, I have two surprises for you.

HERB
I love surprises.

LISA
First surprise, there are no real winners when it comes to tickle fighting. I'm sorry. Second surprise, Mitch and Don are gay. That’s why they don’t want you tickling them anymore. And they’re probably scared that you’ll shit your pants and ruin your new khakis.

HERB
(Baffled)
What? If they’re gay, then you would think they would want me to tickle them.

LISA
They’re gay for each other Herb. There’s no third wheel on a tandem bicycle.

WOMAN’S VOICE FROM LIVING ROOM
Herb, are you coming back? I can’t do this by myself.

LISA
Um honey…who the hell is that?

HERB
That’s Shelly.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

SHELLY, an attractive woman, is putting together a puzzle. She’s wearing revealing clothes.

SHELLY
Hello.

LISA
Who the hell is Shelly and why is she in our house?

HERB
Well… I've been studying polygamy. I don’t want to brag but I’m kind of a connoisseur when it comes to the art of polygamology.  I’m what they call a polygoissuer.

LISA
Herb, that’s not even a real thing. Polygamy is not an art. And polygoissuer? Really? That sounds like a dinosaur who needs an excuse to bang other dinosaurs.

HERB
I’ve seen every episode of Sister Wives and Big Love. So, I know a thing or two. Plus, I think someone is forgetting that one drunken night when she agreed to participate in a polygamist experiment.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Lisa is hammered drunk. Herb is sober and looking at himself in the mirror.

HERB
(Whispering to himself)
Okay buddy. She's hammered drunk. And you know what that means. Yup. She'll say yes to anything...anything.

Herb turns around.

HERB
Honey. I really want to give polygamy a try.

LISA
Sure.

HERB
Yes!

Herb jumps for joy and runs out of the room.

LISA
(Slurred)
Good luck finding another wife.

Lisa starts gagging, picks up her trash can and throws up in it.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

LISA
I really didn't think you would find someone else to participate in this asinine experiment. But you know what? Screw it. Let's do it.

HERB
Lisa, this is no time for dirty talk. We have a guest.

LISA
No, I mean let's try this polygamy thing out.

HERB
Really?

LISA
Yeah. Why not?

HERB
You're the best!

Herb hugs Lisa. Then he proceeds to help Shelly with the puzzle.

HERB
(To Shelly)
That piece doesn't go there silly goose. You can't just jam it in there if it doesn't belong. Trust me, I know.

LISA

He really does know.

CUT TO:


INT. HOUSE - NEXT DAY


Herb and Shelly walk through the door with shopping bags in their hands.


HERB

Look, it's not your fault. You just haven't been shopping with the right people. Plus, you have to know when to get your head out of the Crate & Barrel and into Ethan Allen. Am I right?

SHELLY

You're right. You're so right.

Lisa is doing Yoga in the living room with some guy.


HERB

Whoa whoa whoa! Who the hell is this?

LISA

This is Todd. I met him at the gym. 

TODD

Hey bro.

LISA

We sort of hit it off. Now he's going to join our little polygamist family.

SHELLY
Aww.

HERB

Lisa, that's not how it works. There are multiple wives, not multiple husbands.

LISA

Oh really?

HERB

Yes, really! I would love to see you try and pull this shit on Bill Paxton.

LISA

Bill Paxton plays a polygamist on TV. He's not one in real life, you bonehead.

HERB

It's not my fault that he acts the crap out of it to the point where I don't know if he's Bill God Damn Hendrickson or Bill God Damn Paxton! 

LISA

You wanted this life. Now you got it.

HERB

You're right. Shelly, let's go. I need to find me more wives.

Herb and Shelly exit.


DISSOLVE TO:


INT. HOUSE - A WEEK LATER


Herb and Lisa are eating dinner at the dining room table. They are silent. 


WIDE SHOT


The house has been turned into a flop house. There are people everywhere playing games, practicing yoga, having sex, shooting and snorting drugs, and yes, putting puzzles together.


HERB

Things got a little out of hand.

LISA

Yep. They certainly did. 

HERB

I think there's a guy over there humping our new couch.

LISA

Yeah. Sorry about that. I met him at Raymour & Flanigan. He seemed nice. And he really knows his couches. It's top of the line.

HERB

Very comfortable. And yes, I guess if you're going to make love to a couch, it might as well be top of the line.

LISA

Like a high class prostitute.

SHELLY

(Voice over)
What?

Shelly comes rushing in from the other room.


HERB

Oh, sorry Shelly. We weren't talking about you.

Shelly exits the room.


HERB

Her profile said high class Protestant. She seemed like a sure thing.

LISA

You have to watch out for those high class Protestants. I'm telling you.

HERB

Yeah.They can be worse than the low class Protestants.

LISA

True. But she's just a confused high class prostitute. So...

SHELLY

(VOICE OVER)
What?

Shelly walks into the room.


HERB

Hey Shelly. We actually were talking about you this time. Can you and Todd do us a favor?

Todd sprints into the room.


TODD

What's up guys? I just finished up some reps.

HERB

Can you do us a favor and kick all of these people out of our house?

TODD

You got it bro.

SHELLY (TO TODD)

You're really fit.

TODD

Well, physical fitness is like my religion.

SHELLY

Oh really? Well, I'm Protestant. But, I'm very flexible.

Todd and Shelly exit the room.


LISA

I guess we were wrong.

HERB

It turns out she's just a slutty Protestant.

LISA

And there ain't nothing wrong with that.

HERB

Amen.

Herb and Lisa give each other a high five.


FADE OUT: