Monday, August 20, 2012

Yank & Bust

I’m just yanking your chain. I’m just busting your balls.

Why are jokes aimed at a guy’s genitals? Why is the concentration on the crotchular region? Even women say it to other women. But, that’s not right. Tis not proper usage of the yanking and the busting. Twas and tis relevant to a man. Twould not work with the opposite sex. Twasn't meant for the ball-less and the un-yankable. Women should send whatever they yanked or busted back from whence it came. That’s what she said.

What would work for the opposite sex though? I’m not even comfortable talking about it. But, I’ll talk about it anyway. What should a man say to a woman or a woman say to another woman when they’re busting chops? Hold up. Busting chops? Chops? Pork chops? Mutton chops? I think it has something to do with mutton chops. And if that's the case, it only pertains to men...again. Damn. People were so sexist when it came to busting on people.

How do you bust on a woman and how would you clarify that you're indeed just busting on her? "I'm just busting your ovaries. No real harm being done. Not your real ovaries--your metaphorical ovaries." Umm, maybe. We'll see. Moving on. "I'm just yanking your nipples. No big deal. I wasn't being serious. I wasn't trying to insult you. I was just trying to yank your nipples." Hmm. Not too shabby. "I was just cramming your clam. No big deal, just cramming your clam. You should learn how to take a joke. When was the last time someone crammed your clam." That's pretty good. "I'm just yanking your nipples and cramming your clam." There we go. That's pretty great.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Curiosity vs. The Cat

They like to say “curiosity killed the cat.” Why? When and where did this occur? You know, cats aren’t the only curious creatures. Did curiosity ever kill the bird? Curiosity killed the bird…who thought he could fly through a glass window pane. I bet his buddies were chilling on a wire saying, “Hmm. Hank’s acting rather curious”, and smash, Hank hits the window; dead. It’s interesting; curiosity never killed Curious George. What’s up with that? And he was one curious M-effer. I mean, he’s got to be pushing eighty by now.  If curiosity doesn’t kill him, natural causes will. His first name is Curious. Last name George, sort of like Boy George. No? Yeah, probably not. Well, they both like wearing hats. I wonder what Curious Boy George would look like…

Parents like to use the curiosity killed the cat proverb as a parenting tool. It’s not very effective though. If you utter these words to kids, they’ll just go searching for the next dumb cat; because kids are cruel cruel beings. For once, let’s stop talking in riddles. Let’s stop beating around the ye old bush. Break out the hedger and trim the bush, because it’s just obstructing our view. Nobody likes a big bush anyway. Can't we just tell kids to be careful and that it's okay to be curious just as long as death isn't on the line? Quit dragging cats into the mix. It's just like fairy tales. There's always some life lesson laced into some predictable three act structure. However, mythical characters such as witches, talking animals and dwarfs are used to tell the story. Maybe if they used real people, kids wouldn't have to rely on their warped sense of reality and curiosity wouldn't have to kill anymore cats...We'll leave that up to Chuck Norris.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Haha, Teehee, Laughing

My HaHa vs. Laugh Track HaHa:
Most of the great sitcoms have laugh tracks. At some point it became commonplace to have some invisible audience laugh along with us. It’s comforting in a sad pathetic sort of way; especially for people who don’t have any friends. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia doesn’t use a laugh track. I find myself laughing hysterically sometimes. Then I’ll look around the room and…nothing, just silence. No one else is there to laugh with me. It’s not always sunny in my living room that’s for sure. Sometimes I need that laugh track. Not to tell me what is funny, but to accompany me with laughter; to fill a void that no one else can fill. Unless I hire my own live studio audience to sit with me while I watch shows that lack said laugh track. And this doesn’t exclude dramas. Every once in a while dramas have comedic relief. Therefore I’ll need my LSA (Live Studio Audience) there to remind me to laugh at the smidgen of humor laced in with the drama and trauma found in such shows as Law & Order: SVU and Barefoot Contessa.
Some people believe that laugh tracks are some kind of crutch for viewers. It’s like those metal slide things that kids use in bowling alleys. Oh, and don’t forget the bumpers. It’s like a guaranteed strike every time. If you have to use bumpers and the slide thingy, then maybe you shouldn’t be bowling. You can’t always be scoring in life. Because let me tell you kids, life isn’t full of strikes and turkeys. Sure, one day you might play a perfect game. But the next day you could find yourself working in the pro shop, polishing balls all day. It’s actually a form of laziness. You mean to tell me these bastard kids can’t pick up the bowling ball and roll it down the damn alley on their own? It’s the same exact thing with these laugh tracks. People feel that production companies put in laugh tracks as a guide to tell us when to laugh. Like, “Hey, this is a joke…laugh.” As if we’re too dumb or too lazy to decipher their clever, clever jokes. It’s flawed though. Because realistically, I’m not going to laugh at something that I don’t think is funny, period. Laugh tracks can try all they want to lure me in…
It would be interesting if everyone had their own live studio audience; in real life. It would be like having insurance though. There would be different types: great, moderate, and straight shitty. One day you could be at a store confronting a customer service representative. Then you hear your trashy talk show live studio audience cheering you on, “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” You could be having sex with your wife and all of a sudden you hear, “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” You could be in the delivery room with your wife. Sure, she has her Golden Girls-esque live studio audience cheering her on. Then out comes a baby with green eyes and blond hair. The doctor turns to you and says, “Mr. So & So, you are not the father.” Then you hear, “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” Your name isn’t even Jerry. But, it comes with the plan. So, one day you say “Screw it” and just change your name to Jerry.
Sure, it could get better. You could get a better plan, maybe a Wipe Out plan. Perfect. Or is it? This plan actually comes with two sarcastic commentators. That’s just what you want when you accidentally fall down the stairs and can’t get back up. For some reason they have the instant replay option, which they abuse. “And this is where he slips. This is where he slides down, whacking his head on each step. Let’s put that in reverse. Where are you going Ryan? Come back. Oh here he comes, in slow motion. Now cue up Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. Perfect.” You could get a live studio audience that loves slapstick comedy. Every time you stub your toe or cause any accidental self inflicted pain, they’ll be right there to laugh in your face. One day you’ll bang your knee on that table that sticks out a bit too much, fall to the ground in pain, and start crying. Your live studio audience won’t hesitate; actually they’ll jump the gun and laugh uncontrollably. You look around searching for the source of the laughter and shout, “Shut up! This isn’t funny. I think I really hurt myself.” The volume of the laughter increases. Even your couches and appliances are laughing at you as if you were on Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Everything but that micka-licka high micka hiney ho guy. Oh no wait, no, there he is.
Yeah. In the end, I don’t really mind laugh tracks as long as they’re not overbearing.

Monday, August 6, 2012


While conducting myself in an uninquisitive manner, I happened to stumble upon a peculiar, dare I say queer list of words on It was a list of holes; various types in fact. I guess you really do learn something new every day. Here is the List...of holes

List...of holes

a hole drilled in the earth, as for the purpose of extracting a core, releasing gas, oil, water, etc.
"This one is pretty self explanitory. It's obviously a boring hole. I'm sure we've all experienced this one."
gnamma hole
a hollow in bare rock, narrow at the opening and wider at the bottom, in which water collects.
"I'm not entirely sure about this one. It sounds foreign; exotic. Therefore, I'm going to say stay away from this hole."
a small pit, usually for one or two soldiers, dug as a shelter in a battle area.
"Sure, dig a hole for foxes, but then don't let them in the hole. I'm sure there's room. But no, just let the foxes risk their lives."
to assign to a definite place or to definite places in some orderly system.
"Quit putting pigeons in holes and we wouldn't have this problem. It's senseless."
gunk hole
a quiet anchorage, as in a cove, used by small yachts.
"What can I say. Sometimes there's gunk in holes. It's not ideal. Butt, I digress."
a dish consisting of beef or pork sausages baked in a coating of batter.
"Quit putting toads in holes and we wouldn't have this problem."
a theoretical passageway in space between a black hole and a white hole.
"Yes, worms have holes. They'd be nothing without their holes. Never forget that."
ace in the hole
an advantage or a resource kept back until the proper opportunity presents itself.
"This sounds a bit flippedy flopped. How can there be an ace in a hole. There's definitely a hole in an ace. That's undisputable. An ace in the hole though? It's a great visual, butt...come on."
lubber's hole
(in a top on a mast) an open space through which a sailor may pass instead of climbing out
on the futtock shrouds.
"The description says it all...and more. Damn futtocks. They're the worst."
a hole or pit in a road or street; pothole.
"I don't know why Chuck has to be discriminated against. Chuck has a hole just like everyone else."
either of two holes in the body of a violin, cello, or similar stringed instrument.
"I'm glad created this PG-13 way of saying...farfegnugen-hole."
nineteenth hole
the clubhouse or any other place where golfers gather after play to relax, talk, or have a drink.
"Way too many holes for one driver."
weep hole
a hole in a retaining wall, or the like for draining off accumulated moisture, as from condensation or seepage.
"This reminds me of the ye old saying, people who live in holes shouldn't weep in their own hole."
dry hole
any well drilled for oil or gas that does not yield enough to be commercially profitable.
"This reminds me of the ye old saying, people who live in dry holes shouldn't invite their friends The WeepHoles over for tea because you know how that's going to turn out."