AVA and BRIAN are sitting on the couch watching television. BRIAN is eating frozen yogurt. The program that they're watching goes to a commercial break. AVA hits mute.
BRIAN
Why do you always have to mute the commercials?
AVA
Because most of them are annoying.
BRIAN
I beg to differ. I actually think that there are a lot of funny commercials these days. For example, look at those Sonic commercials. They're really goofy, but they're also really funny. The chemistry between those two guys is ridiculous. One might say redonkulous...redonky-donk...or just straight donk.
AVA
Well, when one of those commercials comes on, I'll release it from it's mute state. Until then, just sit tight. Okay buddy?
BRIAN
I can't believe you're Simon & Garfunkin' me right now. You know I can't stand the sound of silence. I love the song, but I can't take the real thing. I can't, I just can't.
Brian continues to eat his frozen yogurt. There's a lot of noise coming from him.
AVA
You do know that you're eating frozen yogurt right? Which means, there's no chewing involved. In fact it's quite redonky-dick of you to make all of that noise.
BRIAN
My mouth is completely closed whilst eating.
AVA
You could have fooled me. Because all I can hear is a whole lot of chomping. What the hell is going on in there anyway, inside that oral vortex of yours?
BRIAN
I can't help it if I have an overabundance of saliva which adds to the liquid that's already in my mouth.
AVA makes a gagging noise.
BRIAN
One of these days this extra saliva is going to come in handy.
AVA
I can't see how it could possibly benefit us some day. And don't say something perverted like--
BRIAN
Lubrication?
AVA
Eww.
BRIAN
Seriously though, what if we're on a ship comparable to let's say...the Titanic and you want me to teach you how to spit like a man?
AVA
That would never ever happen. But, let me humor you anyway. I'd probably just throw you overboard, because no woman wants a spitting tutorial. It's not charming, it's not sexy, it's not a turn on. It's actually pretty friggin gross. No, you know what I would do? I would wait until the ship went down, find a huge door big enough for five people to fit on, but use the whole thing for myself and float to safety.
BRIAN
Hey! What about me?
AVA
Well, you see, I'd wait for you...to freeze. Then I'd use you as an oar.
BRIAN
Wow, harshskeys. Actually, no, I would be proud to be your oar.
AVA
I would love for you to be my whore.
BRIAN
No, no, no. I said oar.
AVA
What, you don't want to be my whore?
BRIAN
Well, I do. Later. But, not right now. Right now I want to be your oar, for the sake of the story.
AVA
Aww, you hopeless idiot romantic.
BRIAN
Forget it. I changed my mind. My love will not go on! I hope you don't get remarried and don't have a bunch of kids. Instead I wish you a lifetime of struggle, buried in this couch, eating gallons upon gallons of rocky road ice cream, watching Judge Judy!
AVA
...Great. I love Judge Judy.
BRIAN
What!? You are not the woman I married!
Brian storms out of the room with his frozen yogurt.
AVA
I can still hear you chewing. Nevermind, proceed, Judge Judy is on.
FADE OUT:
I like the language. It sounds authentic - maybe it's you, sounds like it could be from personal experience. Ava and Brian seem very comfortable and the word play is very personal, you handle that well. I sometimes use personal,language that is understood by those close to me and I think it gets lost on the reader. By the way I thought the spit might be going somewhere? (gross - spit going somewhere). Hey, new idea anthropomorphised spit. dibs!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the feedback. I really appreciate it. LoL, anthropomorphised spit eyy? That's a wild, yet I say intriguing idea.
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ReplyDeleteDo you write plays?
ReplyDeleteI don't have a lot of experience writing plays. I mostly write skits & scripts in screenplay format and short stories. However, I have written one short script for a play-like stage show. It's about a guy and a girl and the hazy, euphoric air of their high school friendship which progressively gets lost in the collegiate smog of inspiration, pretentious intellectualism and "the real world". Basically, in high school they vow to be best friends forever. One friend moves away to college. The other stays. Over the years they realize that they're still forming and evolving as individuals. They reach a point where they don't know each other and don't know how it ended up that way. In the end, they discuss their falling out at the brink of real adulthood. It's a very short play (10-15 minutes) changing seasons, sets, and wardrobe at a fluid pace with no breaks. The situations and dialogue are corny. However, provided it's done the right way, it could be funny and endearing.
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