Wednesday, March 12, 2014

MisadFriendtures of Ryan & Brandon: A Slice of Life

INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING

RYAN and BRANDON are sitting at a table in a restaurant called The Humble Cottage--a restaurant specifically used for dishing out humble pie, in a discreet, literal and metaphorical way.

RYAN
Well, I'm glad we had this conversation. And it's safe to say that someone just got served a slice of humble pie. Eat up.

There's a slice of pie in front of Brandon.


BRANDON
Nah. There must be some kind of mistake. I didn't order this and I most definitely am not in the mood for pie.


RYAN
Well, that’s kind of how humble pie works. You don’t necessarily have to be hungry to eat it. It's like leaving grandma's house. You don't need bags full of expired food, but she's going to give them to you anyway. So, hungry or not--


BRANDON
Oh I’m definitely hungry. I'm just not hungry for pie…What about cake? I can do cake.


RYAN
Hmm…I think that can be arranged.

Ryan flags down a waiter.

RYAN
Excuse me waiter. Can you take this pie and get my old friend here a slice of humble cake?

The waiter brings over a slice of cake and takes away the pie.

BRANDON
That's better...Oh fuck. Wait. I just remembered I gave up all sweets for Lent.

RYAN
Well, it seems as though we're in quite the quandary. You can't eat the pie. You can't eat the cake. How do you expect me to know that you've been humbled if you won't eat a fucking slice of something humbling? The pie's been sent back. We can’t possibly send the cake back too. That would be rude. 

BRANDON
Why don’t you eat it on my behalf?

RYAN
No, no, no. This is your humble cake, not mine. Plus, I've eaten this cake before. I’d be overindulging if I ate another slice. I’d be over-humbled. Too much of anything isn't good for you, especially cake. I’m pretty sure Barry White said that.

BRANDON
Well, I can’t eat it. I'm not a big fan of chocolate ganache anyway. Plus, God wouldn't approve.

RYAN
That's ridiculous. Everyone loves chocolate ganache. Whatever! Fine! We’ll send it back. But you better eat the next thing we order. What about Shepherd’s Pie? It’s savory, not sweet.

BRANDON
What's the matter with you (in Italian gangster fashion)? Didn't I say I didn't want pie? Didn't I just get done saying that? Shepherd's Pie. The word “pie” is in the name. Pie is pie no matter how you slice it. Plus, it’s peasant food.

RYAN
Oh, so you’re too good for it? Is that it? You know, most peasant food is delicious.

BRANDON
Spoken like a true peasant.

RYAN
Your mom was a peasant.

BRANDON
Oh yeah? Yeah? Yeah, she was.

RYAN
Okay then. What about crab cakes?

BRANDON
Jesus Christ, we’re back to cakes again?

RYAN
Well, his highness doesn't want pie. So what doth ye say to cakes of crab?

BRANDON
Actually, I could totally get into some crab cakes.

RYAN
Splendid. 

Ryan flags down the waiter.

RYAN
Excuse me my good man. Can I get some humble crab cakes for my old friend?

BRANDON
Oh fuck, look at the time. Can I get those to go? I really need to be heading out.

RYAN
Are you fucking for real right now? 

BRANDON
Yup. I have to go home and pray with my wife.

RYAN
God damn it. You're definitely going to eat these humble crab cakes though, right?

BRANDON
Definitely. I pinkie promise and swear to God. I pinkie promise God.

Brandon reaches his pinkie upwards and pretends to hook pinkies with God.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE HUMBLE COTTAGE - EVENING

Brandon is walking to his car--doggy bag in hand. An African-American panhandler comes out of nowhere.


PANHANDLER
Hey, psst, hey my man. Let me get a few bucks.

BRANDON
What?

PANHANDLER
Said, "Let me get a few bucks."

BRANDON
Oh, I don't have any money. Sorry.

PANHANDLER
What's that jingling in your pocket?

BRANDON
Really? You're listening for change jingling in my pants? First of all, those are my car keys. Secondly, I wouldn't give you money even if I had it. You'd probably just spend it on drugs or booze. Now, if you're hungry, I have a bag full of humble fucking crab cakes. You're more than welcome to--

PANHANDLER
Pfft. I don't want no fuckin' crab cakes man.

BRANDON
Humble fucking crab cakes. Get it right Jack.

PANHANDLER
My name ain't Jack, Jack.

BRANDON
Well, my name ain't Jack either.

PANHANDLER
Yeah well, you look like a Dilbert or some shit.

BRANDON
Well you just look like some shit. So...

PANHANDLER
That ain't cool man. You don't know what I've been through. You don't know my story. You don't know what kind of tricks I had to turn in order to get this jacket.

BRANDON
Jeez. You had sex in exchange for a jacket?

PANHANDLER
No. I'm talkin' 'bout magic tricks man. I made my bunny disappear.

BRANDON
That's pretty cool. I'd like to see that. Can you show me that trick?

PANHANDLER
Didn't you just hear what I said? I made my bunny disappear. I don't know where the fuck she went.

BRANDON
Damn. That's rough. Well, I'm sure she'll turn up. Rabbits usually like carrots.You should try--

PANHANDLER
Bunny's the name of my wife.

BRANDON
Oh fuck. Damn. Wait, you made your wife disappear?

PANHANDLER
Yeah.

BRANDON
Do you know how incriminating that sounds?

PANHANDLER
She always hated my magic tricks. Now she's stuck in one of them.


BRANDON
Hmm. Do you think maybe your "magic" is just a metaphor for some real reason why your wife disappeared--or left you?

The Panhandler begins to sob.


BRANDON
I'm sorry man. I didn't mean to make you upset. I'm just really good at deciphering shit. Listen, why don't we go inside the Humble Cottage and I'll buy you a slice. Do you like Shepherd's pie?

PANHANDLER
It's my favorite.

BRANDON
Of course it is.

PANHANDLER
I thought you said you didn't have any money.

BRANDON
Of course I have money. I just told you that because I didn't want you--

The Panhandler pulls out a knife.


PANHANDLER
Gimme that money fool!

BRANDON
Oh fuck...is that a real knife? Or is it a prop for your magic show?

PANHANDLER
I'm not really a magician, man.

BRANDON
And what about Bunny? Is she really lost inside a magic trick?

PANHANDLER
No man. I just said I'm not a magician. There ain't no real Bunny.

Brandon hands over the money.


BRANDON
Damn. My man! You went all method on me. You really had me convinced. Have you ever thought about acting? There's a great workshop right around the corner. They have classes on Tuesday nights. You should really check it out.

PANHANDLER
(Real British accent)
I'm currently starring in an off Broadway show which I won't disclose to you because then you'll know how to find me. But, it's going rather well. Future's looking bright. I don't get paid very well though. That's what this is all about. It gives me the chance to practice my craft as well as have a steady income.

BRANDON
Right on...Well, I wish you nothing but the best.

PANHANDLER
Toodle-oo!

The Panhandler runs off. Brandon stands there in amazement. He reaches in his doggy bag, pulls out a crab cake and bites into it.


BRANDON
Tooda-fuckin-loo.


FADE OUT:





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