Thursday, May 30, 2013


        Celebration is often found in sports. Sometimes you can celebrate too much (excessive) and get penalized for it. You can spike the ball, do some trendy dance, start humping the air, hump the football, hump the refs, hump the opponents mascot, hump your own mascot, hump yourself…
        It's quite different in the courtroom. If I can be frank, I don't think there's enough celebration in courtrooms. If you're found not guilty, you should be celebrating...hard. Do a crazy dance. Don’t know any crazy dances? Make one up. Who gives a shit? You’re not going to jail for the rest of your life. That's worth a hop, skip and a jig. What's that you say judge? You want to hold me in contempt? Sure, that's fine. Just let me finish this sweet ass dance move. Worth it! Do that Harlem Shake thing that everybody's been doing. Hell, do the Macarena. It’s a little outdated. But hey, people just might join in, triggering an impromptu flash mob.

(Side note, no, sort of in the center note: Be sure not to do any crazy dances if you are found guilty. Because, in prison you’ll get your ass beat (in so many ways). Big black dudes will be scoping out the new inmates. “Hmm. Who should we shank today?” Pan to the white boy who just sprained his ankle while doing the running man. “There’s our bitch.”)
        Back to winning cases and celebrating excessively. After you dance, celebrate some more. Spike something, perhaps the judge's gavel. Hell, bring your own gavel and spike the shit out of that. Have one of your buddies throw you a football, then a beer, then a hoagie for some reason. Shotgun the beer. Then proceed to eat the hoagie in front of everyone. Wait for someone to say, "Is he really" then finish their sentence with, "Eating a hoagie?...Yes, yes I am. Now go fetch me a soda pop and some Funyuns."

        Or, you could just voice your excitement. Start reciting the most difficult rap lyrics that you can remember. Then, start skatting. Make the court reporter work hard for her money. Then let her know that she's working hard for her money by singing Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money." Finally, exit the courtroom and every other room by kicking the doors open in a Michael Jackson-like fashion.

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