This Is So Us: Insert Both Feet Into Mouth

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

BRIAN is lounging, sprawled out all over the couch, watching television. He's only wearing boxer shorts. AVA walks through the door.

BRIAN

There she is, my lady, my lass, my love!

AVA

Ugh...Work sucks.

BRIAN

I know..."She left me roses by the stairs. Surprises let's me know--"

AVA

Please don't. No singing.

BRIAN

I'm serenading you (pronounces it serenodding).

AVA

Whatever.

AVA walks through the living room and heads toward the dining room. However, she trips and falls.

BRIAN

Why you trippin'? Haha!

AVA

Damn it!

Ava stands up and realizes that she tripped over a pair of Brian's pants.

AVA

What the hell are your pants doing in the middle of the floor?!

BRIAN

Oh don't try to act like you don't know my routine. When I come home from work I walk through the door and progressively remove every article of clothing except my boxer shorts. I do all of this in a fluid motion so I can get from the door to the couch all the while removing my clothes in a timely fashion. Time management, Ava. Fit it into your schedule.

AVA

I'm about to fit my foot in your ass. I'll make time for that. I'll make time for that all day.

BRIAN

Pfft. It wouldn't be the first time. Wait, what?

AVA

Seriously though Brian, I really don't ask for much. Why can't you just put your clothes in the hamper? Why?! Or at the very least put them off to the side...neatly.

BRIAN

Oh okay Ava. Oh okay! I'm so terrible. No, no, I'm so terrible!

AVA

Yup.

BRIAN

It could be a lot worse. Do you know what I just saw on the news?

AVA

People that know how to keep their pants on?

BRIAN

Guess again.

AVA

A kitten that put out a small house fire with a bowl of milk?

BRIAN

Wow. Yes, actually, I did see that. It was amazing. But you know what else I saw? I saw people doing drugs, people doing other people for drugs, junkies, jokers, smokers, midnight tokers, alcoholics, scallywags, hornswogglers, crooks, creeps, cheaters, killers, crooked politicians, politicians with crooked looking faces, hoarders, and people with terrible, terrible fashion sense. Look at my pants. I wear non-pleated Docker slacks. I don't beat you, I don't cheat on you, and I don't do drugs. I would say...you're one lucky gal.

Brian continues to lounge with one hand down his pants. Ava stares in amazement.

BRIAN

So, what's for dinner?

　

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - EVENING

Brian is standing at the stove. He's sporting his boxer shorts, a Betty Boop apron and a sourpuss expression on his face.

BRIAN

So, surf and turf? Great choice. Do you really want Bearnaise sauce though? I was thinking more like a white wine reduction. No? No problem. Bearnaise it is. I'm sure we have some fresh tarragon around here somewhere.

FADE OUT: