Thursday, March 16, 2017

Appreciation for Self-Deprecation

When I was a kid, I was little...a little bitch. And now, I'm a big bitch. By the way, going from little to big is usually a good thing. For instance, "When I was young, I played little league baseball. I kept at it. And today I'm in the big leagues...When I was young, I had a little dick. And today, it's slightly bigger." But no, it's quite different when it comes to being a bitch. I'm such an easy target because of that fact. That's why I try to beat people to the punch, and make fun of myself first. But, it doesn't always work out.

One day I was outside with a friend, enjoying the fresh air. The sun was beating on my face. I took a deep breath, smiled, and said, "Now, this is what life's about." Then suddenly a bird swooped down and almost hit me. And I shouted, "Ouch!" The bird didn't even touch me. I wasn't even hurt. But, I shouted, "Ouch!" I did one of those moves where you turn, arch your back, and put your hands up like you're afraid to touch something cacky. Side note: Not khaki, as in the color. I have a pair of khaki pants. I'm not afraid to touch them. If I was, I probably wouldn't wear pants to work. Side note deux: If I was ever in the military and I had to go into battle. You bet your ass I'd be running through a field, shouting, "!" So, after I almost got assaulted by a bird (Not the penis type--but, the flying type. And if your penis does have wings and can take flight, then shit, that's fucked up.) So, after I almost got impaled by a bird, I quickly said, "If I was a flower, I'd be a pansy. Ha!" Then my friend said, "Nah...You'd be one of those little flowers on a pussy willow." And I said, "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit. Yeah I would." Mothafucka took me out with that horticultural shit.

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