Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Legal Pad

I write all of my thoughts and jokes on a legal pad. I just hope no one ever takes legal advice from it. Excerpt from 10/21/2013:

Thought #147: I think it's okay to rob a bank, if you trick the teller into giving you the money.



TELLER
How can I help you today?


ROBBER
(Taunting)
You won't give me all that money behind the counter.

TELLER
Um......That is correct.

ROBBER
Pfft. Rosalita was right...You are a little bitch.

TELLER
Rosalita? The branch manager? She said that?

ROBBER
Yup. Are you really surprised?

TELLER
Rosalita.....She's the little bitch.

ROBBER
Whoa! Hey guy! That's derogatory.

TELLER
I know. I'm sorry. I just can't believe she said that.

(PAUSE)

ROBBER
(Taunting)
You won't give me all that money behind the counter.

TELLER
Oh yeah?

ROBBER
Uh-huh.

TELLER
Well...you're right.

ROBBER
Pfft. Kenneth was right...You are a pussy vag.

TELLER
Kenneth? The loan officer? Pussy vag? Pussy vag...that's just redundant.

ROBBER
Does that surprise you? Kenneth has two N's in his name...One would have sufficed.

TELLER
Very true. Has anyone else said anything about me?

ROBBER
Well, Marybeth thinks you're a slob.

TELLER
I spilled coffee on my shirt one time!

ROBBER
Stu thinks you're too nice, which inevitably makes you everyone's little bitch. And you don't stick up for yourself which makes you a pussy vag. So, Stu thinks you're a really nice, little bitch, pussy vag.

TELLER
God damn it!

ROBBER
Oh, and I heard they're going to fire you.

TELLER
What the fuck!? Who did you hear that from?

ROBBER
I overheard Rosalita telling Stu...who was also telling Kenneth, Marybeth and Chuck.

TELLER
Who the fuck is Chuck?

ROBBER
Oh, he's the guy that's taking your position.

TELLER
That's it! I'll show them! Here, take all the money behind the counter! Go! Go! Go!


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