Not at my expense

Some people just love to complain. They are the type of people that get nicknames; and not good nicknames mind you. For instance, there is this one lady that comes in from time to time. We'll call her Eileen or...Cryleen. She makes her life seem sadder than a depressed crack head with Alzheimer's who just realized that she forgot to pay her drug dealer and that's why her kneecaps are broken. But trust me, her life isn't any sadder than yours or mine. She just chooses to make every day sound like her worst day. You know that age old question, "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Well, that doesn't make any sense because there will always be someone around to hear it and her name is Eileen. Not only will the tree fall, but it will somehow fall on her. That would be some form of hell for her because she wouldn't be able to complain to anyone. Then again, she'd probably just complain to the trees. Yep, she's something else. This is kind of how it goes down whenever Cryleen shows up. She'll open the door and enter my office.

EILEEN

Awwwwwww man. Heaviest door ever! Who put this door here? This door belongs in a castle. Look out everyone! I'm breaching the castle gates! Haha.

People cringe at the very sight of her. Then they drop to the floor and hide under their desks. I look around and realize that I'm the only one left.

EILEEN

Who is that handsome fellow?

I look around the room, pretending that I don't know that she's talking to me

ME (Not at all surprised)

Oh hello Eileen. What a pleasant surprise.

She doesn't give me a chance to ask her how she's doing.

EILEEN

Ugh! Did I tell you about my damaged left rotator cuff?

ME

Um, yeah. I believe you did tell...

EILEEN

No? Well, I did a number on it. Ugh! And my knees. I could barely walk in here today. And that door. Let me tell you about that door.

ME (A little sarcastic)

Yeah. It's like it belongs in a castle or something.

EILEEN

That's what I was saying! I literally just said that. Weird. Ugh! Don't get old Ryan. Don't do it.

ME

I won't.

I try to look away from her and return to my computer so I can finish my work.

EILEEN

Let me tell you why you shouldn't get old.

Bursting with excitement (I mean irritation) I slowly tilt my head back up and listen to her ramble on. Occasionally I nod my head or say something like, "Yeah" or "You don't say" (hoping that maybe she don't say anything else).

EILEEN

Ugh! If you had my back...

ME (Brainstorming in my brain)

First of all, I would never have your back; especially not in a fight. You're falling apart for crying out loud Cryleen. You certainly wouldn't have my back. The only time you would have my back is if I was giving you a piggy back ride. And then you'd still have the nerve to complain about your own back.

EILEEN

I think I have arthritis in both of my hands. I'm hurting all over.

ME (Brainstorming again)

Really? My ears hurt. Do you care? No.

EILEEN

Aww man. It looks like I finished early today. I guess I better head over to the other office.

ME

Oh wow. That sucks (Please don't go?)

She didn't actually leave at that very moment. The conversation carried on for quite some time. And when I say conversation, I mean the conversation that she had with herself. I got two words in (or two syllables if you will) and they were "buh" & "bye".

Progression of the conversation through Facial Expressions:

This is what I looked like when I heard Eileen's voice from behind me.

 

This is me verifying that it is in fact Eileen.

Me smiling at Eileen; happy to see her.

 

Me listening to Eileen.

Me resting my face on my fist.

"Oh really Eileen? Really?"

Hmm. I wonder what Hulking out feels like.

Oh. This is what Hulking out feels like.

Maybe if I give her the Deniro, she'll stop complaining...No, she just said I look more handsome; handsomer. I can't say I disagree.