Friday, December 30, 2011

I've been thinking

Snoop Dee Oh Double G:

I like to replace Snoop Dogg with any person in any story, TV show, or what have you. It's like a, "What would Snoop Dogg do?" kind of scenario. For instance, when I watch this show called Storage Wars, I don't look at the auctioneer and say, "Wow, he's a fast talker." No, I think to myself, "Wow. Snoop Dogg would do better."

I picture a storage unit (or "locker") opening up and smoke just pouring out. Then, all of a sudden, out from the smoke walks Snoop Dogg. He has a goblet full of gin and juice in one hand and a cane in the other hand; which he had just stolen from the unit moments earlier. The smoke clears which reveals a full out gangster party going on inside of the unit: gangsters and ho's grinding up on each other, forty's being spilled all over, and a guy in the corner grilling up some bbq. It turns out that most of the smoke was coming from the grill and not illegal substances. Some of the folks outside start complaining.

FOLKS
They're ruining everything. I am not bidding on this unit.

An old optimistic guy, GUY 1, chimes in.

GUY 1
I don't know. I have a really good feeling about this one. That chair that these young folks are humping on, appears to be from...the early Elizabethan period. It's definitely post Gothic. And definitely not Jacobean.

Another bidder chimes in.

GUY 2
He's right. That strapwork screams Elizabethan. It has to be worth at least $300,000. 

Snoop Dogg chimes in.

SNOOP DOGG
(astonished)
What the fizzle? It's time to biddzle. We're gonna stizzle the bidizzle at three hundred thousand dizzles.

GUY 1
Um...that's way too high.

SNOOP DOGG
High? You haven't seen high motherf***er. I mean, fizzler.

GUY 2
Five hundred dizzles! Right over here Mr. Dogg.

Snoop Dogg walks over to GUY 2 and back hands him across the face.

SNOOP DOGG
We got five hundred dizzles. "S" "N" double "O" "P"  "D" "O" we have six hundred? Double "G".

GUY 3
Six hundred.

GUY 1
Oh dear God! That man just splooged all over the chair!

GUY 2
Now it's worth nothing.

GUY 3
There's no refurbishing that.

GUY 1
I'm out of here.

GUY 3
Yeah. Me too. This unit is awful.

SNOOP DOGG
No one is leaving until I get my six hundred dizzles!

Snoop Dogg pulls out a gun (an old rifle).

GUY 3
No! Please don't shoot us Mr. Dogg...with that Civil War era rifle.

GUY 1
Actually that's an imitation from the 1950s.

They walk up to Snoop Dogg.

GUY 1
Notice the oak wood. Rifles back then were made primarily from mahogany.

GUY 2
It's true. You'd probably only get like fifty bucks out of this.

SNOOP DOGG
Word? That's enough for me to get high four times. Hey, do you guys want to get fizzled up?

GUY 1
Sure. I always wanted to grind up on a real girl.

GUY 2
Word. I think I spot a pair of Apple Bottom jeans with my crotch on it...$35.00 on ebay.

Snoop Dogg back hands Guy 2 across the face, then they proceed to party.



- Ryan

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