More Thought & Concerns

The Amish & Their Marshmallows:
A co-worker of mine confessed his desire for a Lucky Charms cereal that consists of just the marshmallow charms. Fortunately enough, you can find a bag full of marshmallow charms at your local Amish market. So, I shared my wealth of marshmallow charm knowledge with my co-worker and he nearly jumped over a rainbow with excitement. Then I thought to myself, “What process do the Amish use to fill such big bags with marshmallow charms?” I mean, are there Amish children in the back tearing into boxes of Lucky Charms, separating the marshmallows from the toasted oat-based pieces? I’m going to take a wild guess and say the answer is yes, or “yay”, as our Amish friends would say. Also, are the marshmallow pickers in cahoots with the Amish children in the barn who are milking cows? Do they meet up at the end day and eat marshmallow charm cereal together? Are they like, “I’ll score some marshmallow charms. You score some milk. And we’ll meet up later behind the school house. Look Ezekiel, I don’t care how dry the cows are. Just get me my milk. Milk something, anything.” It’s no wonder they can work all day long and stay awake. It’s because they’re all hopped up on marshmallow treats. I wonder if they have their own Amish version of rock-paper-scissors, like, limestone-papyrus-sickle.

Selfish Sneezers:
Years ago it seemed as though people would sneeze once and you’d say, “God bless you” or “Bless you”. It was more than just a social formality; it was how we exemplified proper etiquette. It was part of our belief system. But, lately I’ve noticed that people are sneezing more than one time. It’s more like two times, three times, four times and sometimes more…times. My feeling on the topic is that I can’t go around blessing people all day. It becomes a bit redundant to the point where my blessings are simply insipid words. Take some medication if you have allergies. The fact that you’re sneezing all over the place knowing damn well that you have allergies and aren’t taking medication makes you look like a selfish sneezer. Well, I can be selfish too. You can listen for a “Bless you” after you sneeze five times. But it won’t be coming from me. The only thing coming from me will be a glare followed by a sad expression. And you will know that at that very moment, not only will I be mad, but I will be very, very disappointed.

Breakfast Club Conversation:
So I says to a co-worker “Yeah, so I told my wife to go fix me a turkey pot pie.” Then he said, “Oh really? And did she pull the frozen pot pie out of the freezer and chuck it at your head.” Realizing that it is in fact the year 2012 and you can’t talk to women like that anymore, I concurred and went about my day.

Bloodsport:
This has to be the most played movie on television. Hell, I must have seen it about one thousand times. At least I know when all else fails and there isn’t anything else to watch on the television, Bloodsport will be there waiting for me; sometimes on more than one station.

Late Fees:
Some companies like to give you a good deal initially. Then they’ll hit you up with outrageous late fees. It’s interesting to think about. These companies must be saying something like, “Well, we’ll give them a good deal. However, they are lazy Americans. Therefore, we can just rape them with late fees because they sure as hell aren’t going to return the goods on time.” That’s sad. They have to rely on our laziness to make a buck, until one day we’ll be too lazy to leave our houses to pick up a movie. Then they’ll go out of business. I guess that’s what happened to Block Buster and Hollywood Video. Someone named Netflix came up with a more convenient and efficient way for us rent movies; which requires minimal movement or muscle function. I mean, there is some mobility required. You do in fact have to walk to get your mail. However, there are a lot of things you can watch right in your Instant Queue. In that case, you can just lay there, place a pillow on your stomach, place the remote on the pillow and control your cinematic experience with the greatest of ease; with hardly any movement.

Rod Stewart vs. Fred from Right Said Fred:
Who’s sexier? Who’s too sexy? One could make the argument that neither is. Just saying.
The Fake Kind of Cool:
Sometimes people can convey a sense of awkwardness by using one word, and that word is “cool”. You could be having a conversation with someone and they’ll say, “I went naked scuba diving this weekend.” Depending on how you feel about naked scuba diving, your response could be “Cool” or “Kewl (pronounced Kee-ool, like mule, but with a “k”).” If you really thought it was cool you’d say, “That’s cool” or “That’s really cool.” But if you didn’t think it was cool but felt compelled to say cool, then you would have said, “Kewl” or “That’s kewl (Almost dragging it out with some sort of accent).” This is how you can tell if someone really thinks that something is “cool”.

You da man:
I love the fact that people still say, “You da man.” It used to be a serious compliment like, “Chaz, great punt return. You da man.” And I bet Chaz even felt like he was in fact “da man”. But, today it’s something that middle aged people say because they think it’s cool…or kewl. It’s also something the younger generation might say. However, they use it in a condescending tone. So look out for that, middle aged peeps.

Dumping A Deuce: There are always new ways of expressing what you’re feeling. When people have to take a crap they say, “I have to drop a deuce” or “I have to take a dump” (among other fine expressions). Well, I decided to change it up a little bit. From now on I’m going to say, “I have to dump a deuce.” However, it can be used in other instances. For example if I was someone’s boss and I had to fire them I would say, “I hate to be the bearer of bad deuces. But I have no choice but to dump this deuce on you. You’re fired” or “There’s nothing I would want to do less than dump a deuce like this on you. But…you’re fired” or “Listen. I’m dumping a deuce…and it’s on you. You’re fired.” Who knows, it could be the next reality TV show. Bosses go around firing insubordinate employees and proclaim, “You just got Deuce Dumped!”


- Ryan