Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Bigger eyy

The BIGGER ain't the better. Hear me out ladies. I'm 5'7 and 3/4ths inches. I'm talking about my height. Perverts. Let's not get carried away here. If someone asks me how tall I am, I'm going to round up. I'm going with the 5'8". No doubt about it. Because who wants to say 5'7 and 3/4ths inches? It's too much to say. Plus people would be like, "Wow this guy cares way too much about his height if he has to be that specific about it." But I don't care..that much. I went to my doctor's office the other day and the nurse asked me if she could measure me. I'm talking about my height. Perverts. They don't measure that sort of thing at the doctor's office. Well, not at my doctor's office anyway. So the nurse tries to measure my height.

Umm, that's okay. I'm 5'8".

She looked me up and down.

Yeah alright. You're like 5'7 & 3/4 inches tops.

Damnit!!! How did she know? Well, this is what she does all day. She better be good at her job.

Well played Miss...

I looked at her name tag.

Miss Nurse.

I stepped onto the scale and she proceeded to weigh me.

I might be a few pounds over because I have something heavy attached to me that I can't take off. If you know what I mean.

She gave me a gross ass look. Then I pointed at my right ankle.

I'm talking about this tracking device attached to my ankle.

Apparently that turned her on and she asked me out on a date. And by date I mean sex in the storage room three minutes later. Boom.

When I was just a child, my mother brought me to the shoe store. She didn't realize it at the time but she left the tissue paper inside of the right shoe. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why my left foot fit perfectly and my right foot didn't fit at all. I put my feet together and examined them.

"I don't understand. My feet are the same size," I said.
"Oh don't worry honey. It's probably just one of God's grand illusions," replied my mother.

I didn't argue, because who am I to question something that God created? Years later I found out that my mom was using an experimental drug at that time coincidentally called God's Grand Illusion. It's a good thing that she didn't use an experimental drug like GGI when I was in the womb. Fortunately, she used an approved drug like LSD.

I used to wear a size 11 on my left foot and a size 13 on my right foot which made me walk with a limp. Last week I got my feet properly measured and it turns out that I'm a size 10.5 wide...ladies. But, I'm still trying to get rid of this limp.

(When I wrote this, Bette Midler's From a Distance was playing in the background. The chorus is "God is watching us. God is watching us from a distance." I'm sorry God.)

Super Soaker
When I was a kid, Super Soakers were the tits. You always knew who had a new Super Soaker because it would be the talk of the town or you'd be taking some serious tap water to the face and realize, "Hey that's the new Super Soaker 10,000." That's right. Those were the days when we didn't purify our water. Times were tough and we played hard. However, there came a point when Super Soakers couldn't get any bigger and you couldn't one up your friends anymore. One day little Benny showed up with two huge Super Soakers and a tank full of water attached to his back; the biggest we've ever seen. Sure, everyone was envious. But when it came time to pick teams, little Benny was always the last to be picked. You might ask why. Well, it's because all of that cool equipment weighed him down. It just wasn't practical out on the battlefield.

"Quit dragging your ass Benny! You're getting sniped by Kevin!  And he's using one of those hair dresser water bottles! You're pathetic!...What!? Tell me you're not crying! That better be the mist from Kevin's water bottle on your face!"

In the second grade we had to bring in a toy dinosaur for show and tell. I brought in a Triceratops (stocky dinosaur with the bull-like horns). It was the size of an action figure. Everyone brought in something similar. But little Benny brought in a four foot tall Brachiosaurus (one of the species of dinosaur that have long necks). I remember thinking, "Really Benny? Really? What are you trying to prove?" Of course everyone in the class admired Benny and his big dinosaur. Even our teacher Mrs. Collins was impressed. I have to admit, at first I was jealous. But when school ended, I noticed something. Everyone went about their way with the greatest of ease. However, little Benny was trailing behind, lugging his four foot tall Brachiosaurus. And I remember thinking, "What an idiot. He looks ridiculous. Look at him just dragging his huge dinosaur around. I bet all of the third graders think he's a stupid idiot." I walked off, smiled, and gladly fit my Triceratops into my pant pocket.

I saw Benny the other day. He pulled up next to me at a red light. He was driving a huge pick up truck with monster truck wheels. I could barely make out his face because he was still little, little Benny. I honked and waved. Then he flipped me the bird and took off, peeling wheels and all. I waited for the dust to clear and shouted, "What are you trying to prove douchebag!?" And I'm still waiting for that dust to clear.

- Ryan

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