Friday, September 16, 2011

Assuming

Don't you just love it when computer programs try to read your mind? Take Microsoft Word for instance. It likes to assume things. Now, humans know the baggage that comes with assuming; asses fly, everywhere. People think they're so clever. "Well you know what they say (talking like a corny nerd)" Response: "About what, assuming? Yes, yes I do. Thanks for the reminder. And I hate "they" say, by the way. Next time please don't beat around the bush. Just call me an ass." And, "beating around the bush?". Who the hell came up with that saying? Probably some type of ass. One can only assume. Anyway, where was I? (ponder) Ahh yes, unfortunately computer programs aren't smart enough to know when they're wrong for assuming. The computer program assumes that you want to jump down a line and tab over twice to continue a "Things to do" list. Why yes I do want to go on an excursion to try and find the closest Jack in the Box restaurant which is 3000 miles away. But I'd prefer if the first thing to do was up a line and two tabs back that way. Ass. And yes I did call my computer an ass. I know how to choose my battles; battles I can definitely win. Unless my computer starts pulling stuff like this everyday, then I lose. But, say I rough it up a little bit. Technically, physically I win the fight. But mentally, psychologically the computer wins because I am without a functioning computer; as it lies there broken, hard drive bleeding out, laughing at me like the Predator laughed at Arnold Schwarzenegger in the film Predator.

Most cases that involve assuming are really just acts of kindness. But somewhere it gets flip flopped and misconstrued. For instance you get invited to a birthday party for your wife's friend's husband whom you've never met before, whom you believe to be Mexican because you've seen a picture of him. It's the summertime. On your way to the party you stop by the liquor store and pick up a sixer of Corona; a refreshing, summertime, Mexican beer. You get to the party and find the birthday boy alone in the kitchen. You figure this is your chance to get aquainted. You introduce yourself and surprise him with the Corona. He says "Thanks but..." You jump in and say, "You're welcome. One sip of this stuff and I'm sure it'll bring you right back to your homeland. Mexico (throw in a little spanish accent to impress)". He responds with, "I was going to say thanks but I'm a recovering alcoholic. Plus, I'm Guatamalan you ignorant son of a...." He begins beating your face in. You scream, "I shouldn't have assumed! Next time I'll put my foot in my mouth!" But that was a bad idea because it enticed him to stick his foot in your mouth De Niro style. Terrible. Tragic. But atleast we can look back and laugh. And by we, I mean me, the Guatamalan in the story. DUN DUN DUN! Just kidding. That story is loosely based on a fictional event. Plus, I'm not Guatamalan. I'm basically a mixture. Sort of like a mutt. Better yet, a melting pot. I am the melting pot. A mutting pot. A...Where was I?

Assuming. From now on I'm going to replace the word assume with the words educated guess. I think you can avoid a lot of aggrevation and pain if you use "educated guess" instead of assume. This is how the birthday party story could have went. You don't pick up the Corona. You drive right pass the liquor store; providing that the liquor store is on the same route as the party, otherwise don't drive by it at all. Remember, you're not assuming he's Mexican, you're taking an educated guess; which means you could be guessing wrong but it won't matter because educated guess sounds better than assume. If you were assuming then you're already an ass.  So...You get to the party and find the birthday boy alone in the kitchen..baking cupcakes. You walk up to him, introduce yourself and say, "I'm gonna take an educated guess here. I could be wrong. But, you're Mexican right?" He responds, "No, I'm actually Guatamalan." You say, "Damn! I'm sorry." He says, "It's okay. You were just taking an educated guess." The end. I just love happy endings. Though, I'm sure it wouldn't have ended there. You probably would have found a way to insult someone. And by you I mean you, the one and only person that's reading this right now.

Where was I? Oh yeah, educated guessing. You can use the word belief too if you want. It is my belief...No one would dare mess with that. Assume is just too easy to tamper with. But, belief is way too serious. It is my belief that God doesn't appreciate it when people use the phrase "God awful". I'm sure he doesn't want to be associated with awfulness or anything of the like. So there we have it. Using the word belief is kind of like religion. It's kind of like heroin too; you just don't mess with it. Kids! Believe me.

- Ryan

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