Wednesday, September 7, 2011

No Room for Resting

I never understood why we call restrooms "restrooms". I mean, it's not like I'm out for a jog and say to myself, "Man I'm tired. Where's the closest public restroom? I need to rest. Now!" When I think of rest I think of the word lounge and I can't see myself lounging in a restroom. I sure as hell don't want to lounge in a place that smells of shit and is hot and steamy for some God awful reason. Gross.

With that said, I do have to thank restrooms for having everything sensored and for making me lazier than I already am. Thanks. Sure it is a convenience and I'm sure it prevents people from touching things thus making it more sanitory. But, there is still a lazy factor in there somewhere. Next thing we know, there will be mechanical arms coming out of the walls trying to wipe our asses. "Umm, excuse me Mr. restaurant proprietor. I just got fondled by your restroom. Yeah, your restroom walls to be specific. The lights dimmed for some reason and I got fondled. Then I felt a yodel in my ding-dong and I went "yoo hoo!" and now here I stand hunched over. Restrooms? Restrooms my ass. Like literally. My ass won't be resting at all tonight."

Soon we'll see this in Presidential campaigns. They'll be handing out free rolls of toilet paper with the candidates faces on them. Example: Bob Whataliar says, "The people are drowning in a poor economy. We can't clean that up right away. But we can atleast wipe their asses. They deserve that much." Then there would be some kind of scandel. "This just in. Bob Whataliar was caught in a shit storm after not being able to hold up his end of the bargain." Headline says, "Bob Whataliar drops huge deuce on America: Who's going to wipe his ass?"

Sometimes I forget that not all restrooms have sensored sinks. So, I'll be drying my hands and realize that I left the tap running. I wonder what would happen if I left one running and didn't remember to shut it off. "This just in. A Cheese E. Cheese was found floating up shits creek this morning. Apparently, last night some idiot left the sink running on full blast which then flooded the entire facility. However, it is said to be a blessing in disguise because it brought some horrifying ball pit artifects to the surface. These artifects include multiple syringes, a crack pipe, and worst of all a stuffed animal of a cat wearing a Discovery Zone t-shirt. Take that Chuck. And thank you, idiot that left the sink running."

I'm telling you, this is how the world will end. Not by natural disasters, not by nuclear warfare, not by distructive meteorites, but by the hands of defiant robots that we've engineered. And it'll all start in the restroom. Probably at an IHOP.

- Ryan

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