Twinkies and Resentment

Once upon a time there was a high school history teacher named Fred Gable. Fred loved Twinkies. He loved them so much that he kept a stock of them in his closet. The bottom shelf held tape, staples and paper clips. The top shelf held paper. And the middle shelf was jam packed full of Twinkies. That shelf was consistently full and rarely had any space, let alone any other tasty treats.

One day Fred died. His death came unexpectedly. However, it was quick, peaceful and was completely unrelated to Twinkies. His funeral was a few days after his passing. There were all sorts of people there: his wife Mildred, family, friends, colleagues, and a man that attended Twinkie conventions with Fred. But more importantly there was Donald, Fred's apprentice; with whom he spent most of his time.


INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

Every seat in the place is being used. Donald is standing at the front of the room comforting Fred's wife. He hugs her then makes his way to the casket. The inside of the casket is full of pictures, Fred's prized possessions, and a few boxes of Twinkies. Donald kneels down in front of the casket.

DONALD (WHISPERING)

Hi Fred. Wow. I don't know where to start. I mean you taught me so much and so much about myself. I just want to thank you for your friendship and your guidance. It truly has been an honor.

Donald glances at the Twinkies.

DONALD

And...You know what, I guess now would be a good time to tell you how I really feel. It wasn't all rainbows and puppy dogs. And I love puppy dogs. (Pause) Two years Fred. Two very long years and you never shared a single Twinkie. Not once. But now it looks like you're going to share. Aren't you?

Donald opens a box of Twinkies, takes one and puts it in his pocket without anyone seeing him.

DONALD

Aww. Thanks Fred. That's very nice of you. It means so much to me.

Donald kisses Fred on his forehead and walks to the back of the room. The Priest, Father Lupton walks up to the podium. The room gets quiet.

FATHER LUPTON

I'd like to start out by saying thank you to everyone for being here. Fred was a loved man. And that is clear to see. I'd like to ask Fred's wife Mildred to come up and say a few words before I proceed with the service.

MILDRED

Actually Father, I was going to ask Donald to come up and say a few words first. He spent the most time with Fred. So...Donald, could you...?

Donald looks baffled.

DONALD

Yes. Of course.

Donald starts walking up to the front of the room. SOUND OF PLASTIC WRAPPER RUBBING AGAINST DONALD'S PANTS.

PEOPLE COLLECTIVELY WHISPERING

What's that sound?

Donald pauses for a moment, then proceeds walking while trying not to make any noise. Mildred hears the noise and immediately looks at the casket. She notices the open box of Twinkies and looks at Donald.

MILDRED

No. Donald...

DONALD

What?

MILDRED

Say it ain't so.

DONALD

It ain't so.

MILDRED

Why would you steal Fred's Twinkies?

SOUND OF EVERYONE GASPING.

DONALD

I don't know what you're talking about.

MILDRED

Then what's in your pocket making all that racket?

DONALD

That noise isn't coming from me.

MILDRED

Oh yeah? Then keep walking.

Everyone is staring at Donald. He stands there then starts to mosey on over toward the casket. SOUND OF CRINKLING PLASTIC.

MILDRED

It is you!

DONALD

You're right! Fine! I did it! Big whoop!

MILDRED

Who steals a Twinkie from a casket!?

DONALD

I do! Fred never shared his Twinkies. Never!

MILDRED

What is wrong with you!? Put the Twinkie back!

DONALD

No. It's mine now!

Mildred charges at Donald and tries to get the Twinkie out of Donald's pocket.

DONALD

Ahh! What are you doing? That tickles! Stop! You're smushing it!

FATHER LUPTON

Pardon me Mildred, but that's quite inappropriate.

MILDRED

I'm sorry Father, but you've never seen inappropriate.

Mildred pulls out the Twinkie but it explodes all over Donald's pants.

DONALD

And now you have Father.

MAN THAT ATTENDED TWINKIE CONVENTIONS WITH FRED

It happens.

DONALD

Umm...

FADE OUT:



- Ryan