Friday, January 20, 2012

Golf

I'd like to start off by saying that whoever invented golf and the terminology of said golf is a huge pervert. Through this brief lesson you should get a better understanding of what I'm talking about. These are actual golf terms mind you.

Golf Terminology

Bump & Run: As the name suggests a bump and run describes a ball which is hit into the air flies towards the target and then 'bumps' into the ground and 'rolls' the rest of the way towards its target (Sounds kind of painful but that's how it is sometimes when you hit it and quit it).
Caddie: Caddies are individuals who are paid to carry your golf clubs around the course for you and who are also able offer advice on how to play the course (Sounds like a fancy name for prostitute to me).
Cavity Back Iron: A cavity back iron is a particular type of iron which has the majority of the club head's weight distributed around its perimeter (Enough said).
Coming Over The Top: Coming over the top is a phrase used to describe the movement of the club as it travels through the downswing and into a right-to-left pathway across the ball (for right handed golfers). Another term sometimes for this movement is the out-to-in blow.
Compression: Compression refers to the squeezing in of a ball when it is impacted by the head of a golf club.
Crossed Over: Crossed over is the term which describes the shaft of a golf club when it is at the top of the backswing and facing towards the right of the target (for right handed golfers).
Cupped Lead Wrist: A cupped lead wrist refers to a backward bend in your lead hand when you strike the ball. The lead hand is the hand which is nearest to the hole once you are set up for your swing.
Duff: To duff is simply to miss or totally mess up a shot.
Explosion Shot (Seems a bit excessive): An explosion shot is a bunker shot which sends an 'explosion' of sand flying through the air (This is what happens when you bone on the beach).
Flex: Flex refers to the amount of bend within the shaft of a golf club.
Forecaddie: A forecaddie is an individual employed by the Committee to indicate the position of balls to players during play and is an outside agency (Sounds like the caddie's pimp).
Front Nine: The first half, or first 9 nines holes, of an 18-hole course (Sounds like a long day of filling holes).
Grip: The grip refers to either the manner in which you hold your club or the rubber covering on the shaft of a club where you place your hands (I think I learned this in high school).
Holed Out: A player is said to 'hole out' when his ball enters the hole
Impediment: An impediment is loose debris around the ball which is obstructing your shot and which can be moved away from your ball.
Laid Off: This occurs when the club shaft is pointing to the left of the target at the top of the backswing (for right-handed golfers).
Lateral Water Hazard: A lateral water hazard is a water hazard or that portion of a water hazard which is situated so that it is impossible, or impracticable, to drop a ball behind the water hazard. All of the ground and water within the margin of a lateral water hazard are considered to be part of the lateral water hazard (Yeah...).
Lay Up: This term refers to a shot which is deliberately intended to fall short of the green in order to avoid getting into trouble (I think this has something to do with a form of contraception).
Lip Out: A lip out occurs when the golf ball travel right up to the hole and teeters on the edge of the cup but, instead of dropping into the hole, rolls back from the hole.
Loose Impediments: Loose impediments are natural objects including leaves, twigs, branches, stones, dung, worms and insects (and the casts and heaps made by them) which are not growing or fixed, solidly embedded or ahering to the ball (I can proudly say that I've never had this problem).
Lost Ball: (It's pretty much what it sounds like).
Nuked Shot: A nuked shot is a shot which is hit far harder and longer than you would normally hit the ball with a particular club.
Nearest Point Of Relief: The nearest point of relief is the reference point used for taking relief without a penalty from interference by an immovable obstruction, an abnormal ground condition or a wrong putting green (It's hard to decipher this description, but I think it has something to do with premature ejaculation).
Provisional Ball: A provisional ball is a ball played for a ball which may be lost outside a water hazard or which may be out of bounds.


Forms of Match Play:
  • Single. A match where one player plays against another player (Boring).
  • Threesome. A match where one player plays against two other players and where each side plays one ball (Alright. We're getting there).
  • Foursome. A match where two players play against two other players and where each side plays one ball (Boom! Now we're talkin').
Penalty Stroke: When playing in a threesome or foursome, penalty strokes do not affect the order of play.


Forms of Stroke Play (Notice how it goes right from individual to a foursome):
  • Individual. A competition where every competitor plays as an individual.
  • Foursome. A competition where two competitors play as partners and play one ball.


Conclusion:
I'd like to conclude this lesson by saying that I have a little sympathy for Tiger Woods. I mean, the guy spent his whole life being forced to stroke his Strong 1 Wood. When you live your life with the mind-set, get it in the hole, how do you think you would turn out?


- Ryan

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