INT. MANSION - NIGHT
VINCENT, a very important man, walks into a mansion in the midst of a swanky social event. Vincent looks at his watch as his assistant JACK comes scurrying up.
VINCENT
I expect you to be on time Jack. I'm a very important man. I need you by my side so people can say, "Oh look. Vincent has an assistant. He's a very important man."
JACK
I'm so sorry Vincent. That's my bad.
VINCENT
Now take off that bowtie. You can’t look swankier than I. We don't want people to think that I'm your assistant now do we?
JACK
(Sarcastic)
(Sarcastic)
No. That's not at all what I was trying to do.
Jack takes off his bowtie.
VINCENT
I hope your productivity far exceeds your punctuality.
JACK
Don't worry. I got the scoop on this whole family. Every little dirty detail. Let's do a walk through. Quick, quick, to your left. Do you see that cougar with the plump rump as round as that punch bowl? And the huge rack. If I were Elmer Fudd I'd hang my gun on it then pull Bugs Bunny out of her cleavage. You know what I'm saying? Haha.
Don't worry. I got the scoop on this whole family. Every little dirty detail. Let's do a walk through. Quick, quick, to your left. Do you see that cougar with the plump rump as round as that punch bowl? And the huge rack. If I were Elmer Fudd I'd hang my gun on it then pull Bugs Bunny out of her cleavage. You know what I'm saying? Haha.
VINCENT
Jack. That's...
JACK
That's Denise. She's a heartlesss money moocher. Not to mention a tramp. She's having an affair with that guy over there. His name is Ned.
SHOT OF A NERDY GUY NED.
JACK
He's a well endowed genius. Lucky bastard.
VINCENT
Jack. Listen to me...
JACK (excited)
Eww! Check out this guy. He's Denise's husband, Bill. He's probably going to die of a heart attack. I’m just guessing though.
SHOT OF BILL WITH BUGGED OUT BLOOD SHOT EYES AND WHITE POWDER ON HIS NOSE.
VINCENT
Jack, listen to me. These people....
JACK
And here we are! The sleaziest, filthiest, mangiest of them all. The old bag & heir to the family throne, Agnes. Let's get you aquainted!
VINCENT
Wait, wait, wait.
JACK
Ms. Agnes, my name is Jack. I'd like you to meet...
AGNES
Vincent. I'm so glad you could make it.
JACK
Wait. You know her?
VINCENT
Yes...She's my grandmother.
Denise, Bill, and Ned walk up. Vincent turns to Denise with a look of disgust.
VINCENT
How could you, mother? How could you screw Ned...your son...my brother.
SOUND: DUN! DUN! DUN!
JACK
Wait. Ned's your brother? And Denise is...Oh dear God.
BILL
It's okay Vincent. I knew all about it. I also have been unfaithful. I screwed Agnes...my mother...your GamGam.
SOUND: DUN! DUN! DUN!
JACK
Why!?
NED
I too screwed GamGam Aggy.
SOUND: DUN!
JACK
What is wrong with you people? Is this what it takes to get the family jewels?
VINCENT
Yes Jack. That's exactly what it takes. That's why I screwed everyone in this room including my father Bill, my brother Ned and the butler.
JACK
Who's the butler?
SOUND: DUN! DUN! DUN!
SHOT OF THE BUTLER. HE HAS LONG HAIR, A MUSTACHE AND BIG BOOBS.
VINCENT
Jose...or Josephine. It really depends on the day. But he..she..it was adopted.
JACK
Well, it looks like your family secret is out.
VINCENT
Yes. And that’s why we have to kill you.
JACK
I’m afraid you can’t do that.
VINCENT
Well, why in the hell not?
JACK
Because you don’t kill family members Vincent…
Jack pulls off a mask and is now a woman.
JACK
You screw them.
BILL
My long lost daughter Jacqueline.
SOUND: DUN! DUN! DUN!
Bill falls to the ground and has a heart attack. Everyone gasps, but very unsympathetically.
JACK/JACQUELINE
I told you.
DENISE
Oh thank God!
NED
That’s one less person we have to screw.
VINCENT
This is cause for a celebration.
DENISE
Where’s the champagne?
AGNES
Yeah. Who do you have to screw to get a drink around this place?
A bartender pops up from behind the bar.
BARTENDER
Me. You have to screw me.
They all fight over who gets the first drink.
BARTENDER
Everyone relax. There are plenty of screwdrivers to go around.
FADE OUT:
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