Split this

What's up with splitting the bill? Who thought that was a good idea? Probably some loser moocher who empties the whole mint bowl into his pocket including the bowl. "Umm, is that a bowl of mints in your pocket...or do you have a bowl shaped penis?" Anywho, why should I have to split the bill with someone who got steak & lobster when I only got chicken quesadillas and a water (which is free mind you)?

I'm not made of money. Hell, if I was made of money I would take care of the entire bill. Although, if I was made of money I'd have to use a piece of myself to pay for the bill; like an arm and a leg. Like literally, I'd have to use my arm and my leg. "Well John,  I hope you enjoyed that surf and turf because it cost me my limbs. You son of a bitch." Screw that, I don't want to be made of money.

However, it wouldn't be so bad to be clothed in money. Then again, I'd probably get robbed all of the time. "This just in. New Jersey man gets shot. Witnesses say the victim was wearing a jacket made of one hundred dollar bills...What an idiot. This just in, M. Night Shyamalan just got inspired and started writing a film called Blood Money Jacket. It's going to star Steven Seagal and Pauli Shore as detectives out of Boston. Get ready for it to start raining down tears. Not because it's a sentimental movie, but because it'll be so terrible you'll cry like that guy who just got shot. Remember when that happened? Speaking of rain. Sue, what's the weather looking like for this week?"

I'd have senior citizens robbing me too. Take for instance, I'm walking down the street and some old lady steals a $100 bill that is covering my crotch and I say, "Don't get fresh with me lady! Put that back!" She puts the money back and we both walk away in opposite directions. Then suddenly I feel a nice cool breeze on my ass and realize that she stole my butt flap. Unfortunately for her, the butt flap was only made out of $1 bills. Laughter ensues. But, ut oh. She's coming back and looks angry because she just realized that she only got $8 out of me.

I don't want to be made of money or dressed in money. I just want people to stop splitting bills and take responsibility for their own crab cakes.


- Ryan